i MMMUsiwiit*^»s»UMtw^ 



PORTFOLIO OF 

DIXSON PLAYS 



Property of 




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SPECIAL NOTICE 

These are ROYALTY PLAYS, protected according to law by 

U.S. Copyright with all Rights Reserved to NA TIONAL 

DRAMA COMPANY, Memphis, Tennessee, from 

whom a Copyright Privilege License must be 

secured for each and every presentation. 



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Oixon-Paul ptg. Co.. Memphis 



PLAYS 

B-g HARRY L. DIXSON 



THE PROFESSOR'S MUMMY 



MR. MERCHANT of VENICE 
THE BUG HUNTER 



;$* 



Copyrighted, 1921 h$ 
Oliver Perr$ Parker 



All Rights Reserved to 

THE NATIONAL DRAMA CO. 

MEMPHIS, TENN. 



m<&* 



FOREWORD^ 



We consider ourselves very fortunate in- 
deed to be able to present to our custom- 
ers these three plays by Harry L. Dixson, 
an experienced school superintendent, 
professional playwright and actor; and we 
unhesitatingly put the sign of "The Heart 
and Arrow' on them and recommend 
them to all who take the trouble to find a 
play worth while. 

Our price for Copyright Privilege License 
for one presentation of our plays is $5.00, 
and we furnish FREE with each License a 
complete set of parts for each character, 
a Coach copy and an exclusive reservation 
on your point. We also agree to refund 
the full amount paid us if the play is pro- 
duced and found unsatisfactory. 

Sincerely yours, 

THE NATIONAL DRAMA COMPANY, 

» , • Memphis, Tennessee 

• » 

f « » 

(See Order Form in Back of Book.) 

MAR -5 192! 

©CI.0 57181 



/"V 



THE PROFESSOR'S MUMMY 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 
By Harry L. Dixson. (Copyrighted) 



CAST. 



Professor iHezekiali Green, a dreamer. 

Richard Green, his son. 

Dennis McRaferty, the busy one. 

Cicero de Rhodes, a thespian. 

Buffalo Pete, from Arizona. 

James Mack, heavyweight expressman. 

Jack Larkins, lightweight expressman. 

Mrs. Hezekiah Green, Professor's better half. 

Marie Green, daughter of Prof, and Mrs. Green. 

Gertrude Green, daughter of Prof, and Mrs. Green. 

Gladys Green, daughter of Prof, and Mrs. Green. 

Jane, the Greens' maid. 

Matilda Hawkins, with prospects. 

Maggie O'Reilly, dont like babies. 

Madaline Spotleight, or Mrs. de Rhodes. 

NOTE: — The original cast is for 7 males and 8 females. To produce 
the play with 4 males and 6 females note these changes. Buffalo doubles 
James. Cut out Jack and let Prof, help bring in the (box. Richard doubles 
Cicero. Cut Cicero out of last ACT giving consistent lines to Madaline. 
Matilda, Maggie, Madaline can be doubled by Gladys and Gertrude. Cut 
Gladys and Gertrude out of last ACT. Intermediate casts can be easily 
arranged. Prepare the wardrobe carefully so these doubles can be made 
quickly. 

SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I.— The Elixir of Life gets a start. 

ACT II — It keeps going. 

ACT III.-^The grand finish. 

SCENE: Professor Green's study. TIME: Most any time. 

PROPERTIES. 

ACT I. — Desk. Revolving office chair. Book case. Settee with cush- 
ions. 2 chairs. Screen. Hatrack. Stand. Desk phone. Waste paper 
basket. Several bundles of letters. Several bottles, one filled with a dark 
liquid. Large graduate. Glass funnel. 5 newspapers. Receipt book. Pen- 
cil. Mummy. Mummy box. Dust cloth. Small pail. Pen, ink, check book. 
Padlock and key. Several store bundles. 

ACT II. — Same furniture as ACT I. Baby. Mummy and box. Large 
revolver and holster. Paper money. Sandwich. Note. Big wallet. 

ACT III.— Same furniture as ACT I. Baby. 

COSTUMES 

These are given for each character as they first appear in the script. Can 
get good ideas for wardrobe and make-up from the pictures in the comic 
papers. 

3 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The actor is supposed to be on stage facing the audience. R means right. 
L. is left. C is center. R. C. Tight of center. L. C. left of center. D. or 
down is toward front of stage. U. or up is toward rear of stage D. R. is 
down right. D. L. is down left. R. U. is up right. L. U. is up left. X 
means to cross. 

R. R.C. C. L.C. L. 

SPECIAL NOTES. 

THE MUMMY BOX should "be about six feet long and two feet wide and 
high inside measure. Sides and bottom may be of light material, well 
braced, but the top must be strong. Lid is hinged and has padlock and 
hasp. Can paint the box a dingy color and then decorate in bright colors 
to look Egytian. 

THE MUMMY. Take a (board about a foot wide and the length of a 
man's body. To one end of this nail two narrow boards about three feet 
long. Put trousers on these and stuff with straw or excelsior to make the 
legs. Put coat on upper part and stuff in the same way. A bundle about 
the size of a man's head is fastened to the upper end and on each of the 
leg boards are fastened old shoes or rubbers to make the feet. Cover the 
whole with burlap, sewing it down tight and making the mummy lo'ok like 
a human figure. To make the real mummy effect, wrap this dummy in 
strips of cloth that have been cut about four inches wide. These strips of 
cloth are given the yellow, aged effect by dipping them in coffee and let- 
ting them dry before wrapping the mummy. The mummy must be made 
strong enough to handle. 

INDIAN WAR BONNET. Get large turkey feathers and wrap afbout two 
inches of the quill with bright red flannel and sew fast to the quill. Cut 
crown from old felt hat for crown of bonnet and about the edge sew the 
feathers, alternating a long and short one. The short feathers help to 
keep the large ones upright. Put a bright band about an inch wide on the 
outside of where the feathers are sewed to the hat and the bonnet is com- 
plete. A cheap feather duster will yield all the feathers necessary. 

THE BABY. If it is possible, use a live baby in the play. It can be 
brought on stage all wrapped up. When the Prof, lifts it up out of box, the 
wraps are left in the box, leaving it dressed in its little shirt and stork pants. 
It will make the hit of the performance. 



■fl-cr x- 




(As the curtain rises, the phone on stand up C. is ringing.) 
JANE. — (Enter R. 1. with dust cloth. Wears black dress, short skirt, maid's 
cap and apron. Goes to phone in provoked manner, takes phone) Hello, 

4 



(Listen) No' ma'am, hes not in yet. (Listen) I really dont know. (Lis- 
ten) Yes, he left the house quite awhile ago. (Listen) No, Ma'am. 
(Listen) all right. (Listen) Yes, I'll tell him just as soon as he arrives. 
(Listen) Good bye. (Hanks up and starts to exit L. 1. Phone rings. She 
stops a moment) Kinging off I suppose. (Turns to go, phone rings. X to 
it) Hello. (Listen) I can't say. (Listen) Good bye. (Hangs up and 
starts L. 1. Phone rings. She stops. It rings again) Oh, fudge! (X to 
phone) Hello. (Jumps a little and holds phone from ear) Please dont 
speak so loud. (Listen) No, hes not in. (Listen) Yes sir, I'll tell him to 
call you. What number? (Listen and then repeat) Black 6-4-3-2. (Listen) 
Yes, sir, I'll tell him it's important. (Listen) Yes, sir. (Hang up) Hope 
that is all for this time. I have answered that old phone more times in the 
one day I have been here than in a whole year in my last place. If I stay 
here, Professor Green will have to get an extra girl. (Turn to go). 

MRS. GREEN. — (Enter R. 1. Pause in door. She is about fifty or fifty- 
five and dresses accordingly. Hair tinged with gray.) Jane, was that the 
phone I heard ringing just now! 

JANE. — Yes ma'am, it has been ringing all morning. 

MRS. — Yes, I know it has. (XL to desk) No one wanted me, I sup- 
pose? ('Carelessly looking over papers on desk and arranging them). 

JANE. — No ma'am, all the calls have been for Professor Green. (Start 
to dust quietly). 

MRS. — (Partly aside) I cannot understand this increase we have had in 
phone calls the last few hours. Why even before Professor gave up the 
school work, he never was called so often as now. 

JANE. — It seems to be that Elixir of Life business that — 

MRS. — Oh nonsense! Hes got that hobby just now but ouside of our own 
family few people know of it. Why, in twenty-four hours he has been 
called on the phone at least a hundred times. 

JANE. — Yes ma'am, I should say that many at least. 

GLADYS.— (Calls) Mother, oh mother! 

MRS. — Here I am, Gladys. 

GLAD. — (Enter L. 1 hurriedly. Has newspaper in hand. She is about 
twenty and wears plain but neat house dress) Mother, have you seen the 
paper? 

MRS. — No, my dear, I havent. 

GLAD. — (Holds paper up for Mrs. to read. Points to place) Read that! 

MRS. — (Glances at it) You read it, my dear, I haven't my glasses. 

JANE. — (Dusting settee, stops to listen). 

GLAD. — (Reads) "Personal: — To all persons, be it known that Professor 
Hezekiah Green, late of Darmont College, after years of study and research 
has discovered an Elixir of Life. Patients desiring a new lease of life will 
be treated free during the next two weeks. Address 232 N. Superior St., 
City. Phone Red 2-4-3-6." 

MRS. — Merciful Heavens! (Sink into office chair). 

GLAD.— Its worse than that! (X.'C.) 

MRS. — Is that this morning's paper? 

GLAD. — (Looking at date) No, its last night's. (Looking at ad again) 
It says: "Paid ten days". That means more phone calls. 

JANE. — Starts to go, aside) More calls! I will quit this place! (Exit 
R. 1.) (With long strides). 

MRS. — And poor papa has gone so far as to advertise his crazy hobby in 
the paper? Gladys this is something awful! 

GLAD. — Don't you suppose I know it? 

MRS. — Poor, poor papa! So his hobby has at last got the better of him. 



GLAD. — I should say it had! (Suddenly) Say, you don't think papa has 
gone insane? 

MRS. — It looks very much like it, my dear. (Phone rings, she jumps) 
My! There goes that awful phone again! 

JANE.— (Enter R. 1. Start for phone). 

MRS. — (More composed and determined) Never mind, Jane, I'll anwser 
it this time. (X to phone). 

JANE.— (Pleased) Yes, ma'am. (Exit R. 1.) 

MRS. — (At phone) Hello. (Listen) No, this is MRS. Green. (Listen) 
Oh yes, very fine. (Listen) Why yes, of course. (Putting down receiver) 
They want you, Gladys. (X.R.) 

GLAD. — (Crossing to phone) Want me? Why, who is it? 

MRS. — Sounds like Frank. (Sits on settee and listens to Glad). 

GLAD. — (Takes phone) Hello. (Listen) Sure — Frank. (Listen) Yes, 
I'd be delighted to go. (Listen)- Yes, of course. (Listen) Wait a minute. 
(To Mrs.) Mamma, Frank wants to know if you would let us three girls 
go to a theatre party tomorrow night. And he wants you to chaperone the 
crowd. 

MRS. — (Hesitating a moment) Why — yes — if he will take good care of us. 

GLAD. — CPhone) Hello, Frank. (Listen) Yes, we can go. (Listen) 
Oh, sure! Thank you for the invite. (Listen) Uh-huh. (Listen) Whats 
that? (Listen) Well! (Angry) Now Frank if you want to start some- 
thing just keep on talking like that! (Listen) No, we're worried enough 
about it as it is. (Listen) Yes, seven-thirty. Good bye. (Hangs up. To 
Mrs.) There, even Frank is talking about papa and his ad in the paper. 
Before long we will be ashamed to show our faces. Of course everyone in 
town will see that old ad! 

MRS. — We must bear it as best we can. In the meantime we will see 
what can be done for poor papa and his hobby. 

MARIE-GERTRUDE.— (Off stage L. 1, cry softly then louder) Qh-h! 
Oh-h! (Ad lib) 

MRS. — (Pause) Good gracious whats that? 

GLAD. — (Looking L. 1) It sure sounds like the girls. 

MAR-GERT. — (Enter L. 1 crying loudly. They are fifteen and seventeen 
and are dressed in plain, neat school dresses) Oh-h! Oh-h! (Ad lib. They 
X to Mrs. and kneel, one on each side of her, still crying). 

MRS. — (Looking from one to the other) Girls! Girls! Whats the mean- 
ing of this? 

MAR-GERT.— Oh-h! Oh-h! (Ad lib.) Its terrible! Terrible! 

MRS. — Well, what in the world is the matter? 

MAR-GERT.— Oh-h! Oh-h! (Ad lib). 

MRS. — Well, why dont you speak? 

GERT. — (Wiping her eyes but still crying) Oh, it's awful, just awful. It's 
an insult to us all. 

MAR-GERT.— (Burst out crying again) Oh-h! Oh-h! (Ad lib). 

MRS. — Come! Come! (Pause, girls keep crying, sternly) Stop it! I 
say. Tell me whats the matter. 

MAR. — (Wiping her eyes but still sobbing) We are — the — Elixir Girls — 
now. The whole school calls us that today. I dont care what you say or 
papa or anyone says, I won't go back to that old school. — I won't! So there! 

GERT. — And I wont go either — I cant stand it — thats all. 

MRS. — If you will stop your sniffing and crying and talk sense for 
awhile, may be I can find out what ails you. 

MAR. — (Drying her eyes) Yesterday papa put an awful ad in the papers 
about his new discovery — the Elixir of Life. Everybody in town seems to 
have read it. 






GERT. — And this morning we were met with grins and laughs by the 
folks at school and some one said: "Hello', here comes the Elixir Girls." 
Everybody laughed at that and they havent called us by our right names 
since. 

MES. — It isnt ten o'clock yet. Am I to understand you have left school 
without permission? 

MAR-GERT — (Nod) Yes, mamma. 

MRS.— My dears, as a rule, I should say you should be punished for such 
a ibreach of discipline but under the present circumstances, you can stay at 
home for today. 

MAR-GERT^ — (Delighted) Can we? (Clapping hands) Goody! Goody! 

MRS. — Yes, we will see how this great scheme of papa's all comes out. 
By tomorrow you may feel more like meeting your school fellows again. 

GLAD. — (By stand C) Papa has been brooding over this discovery of 
his for so long that I am sure we cannot get him out of it in one day. When 
a man has gone far enough in a, foolish belief to advertise in a city paper 
why hes in pretty deep thats all. 

MRS. — Strange things have come about in a very short space of time and 
the next twenty-four hours may bring great changes to papa, and his hobby. 
(Phone rings) Another patient, I suspect. (Rise, X to phone) Well! 
(Listen) No, hes not in. (Slam up receiver) If this keeps up much longer, 
I'll have the phone taken out. Its bad enough any time but with a new 
girl on my hands we cant be pestered answering the phone every few min- 
utes. I must go right now and see that she does the rest of her work as it 
should be done. (X. R. C.) 

GLAD. — We'll wait and see papa, if you don't mind. 

MRS. — (Turning to them with decision) Of course I dont mind and you 
may call ME when he comes. (Turns to door R. 1. and meets Richard). 

RICHARD. — (Enters R. 1. hurriedly. He is about twenty-three and wears a 
nobby business suit. Pause a moment, out of breath. Pockets full of news- 
papers) Well, here you all are — suspect you have heard the latest. 

GIRLS — (Nod) We think we have. 

MRS. — I am sure we have. 

GLAD. — We couldnt very well help hearing it. 

RICH. — It was a surprise to me all right, all right. One of the boys in 
the office showed me an ad in this morning's paper that father had put in 
regarding that confounded Elixir <of Life. 

GLAD. — We found one just like it in last night's paper. 

RICH. — I suspected you folks would have seen it by this time for every- 
one seems to have seen it. Well, I went out and got all the city papers and 
what do you think, in every one was that abominable ad! (Takes papers 
from pockets) There the Herald, The Star, The Press, The Globe. It's 
in everyone of them. Ordinary ads wouldnt do for him either for all are in 
black faced type. Where's father? 

MRS. — He went out early this morning and hasnt returned yet. The 
phone has been ringing all the morning and — (Phone rings) There it goes 
again! You answer it, Richard. 

RICH.— You bet I will! (X to phone) Hello! (Listen) This is Mr. 
Green, yes. (Listen) No — no — not Professor Green. (Listen) No, hes 
not in. (Listen) I dont know anything about it. Good bye! (Hang up. 
Throw up hands) More Elixir! 

MRS. — (Disgustedly to Rich.) That phone has been ringing all the morn- 
ing — and it's nothing but Elixir, Elixir all the time. Why the very air 
seems to be filled with the awful words. Marie and Gertrude came home 
from school just now because they couldnt stand the jibes and jokes of their 
school fellows. 



MARIE. — Its no fun to be called the Elixir Girls. 

GERT. — And be Laughed at all the time by the whole school. 

GLAD. — You can see, Richard, that the whole thing is all over town. 

RICH. — I should say that it is over town! Three people stopped me on 
my way home and joshed me about it. But I've the day off and we will 
see what can be done to stop things before theres too much of a scandal. 

PROF. — (Off stage R) Jane, have there been any phone calls for me 
this morning? 

ALL. — (Aside) Papa! 

JANE. — (Off stage R) Yes sir, several. 

PROF. — I am glad to hear that. 

MRS.— The idea! 

RICH. — Wait till he hears from us! 

PROF. — See if there is any mail in the box. 

JANE.— Yes, sir. 

PROF. — (Enter R. C. Stops and looks about in surprise. He is sixty and 
looks care-worn. Wears long black coat and white vest and light colored 
trousers. His black hat and clothes look the worse for wear. Wears glasses) 
Why — whats this? A family reunion? (Hangs up hat and starts to remove 
overcoat). 

MRS. — (Snapping him up) No, this is an indignation meeting. 

RICH. — Thats what I And we are all present. 

PROF. — (Hangs up coat) Yes. I notice no' absentees. (Phone rings. X 
quickly to it smiling) This is Professor Green talking. (Listen) Yes. 
(Listen) Yes, will ibe glad to treat you free. (Listen) Well, yes, call at — 
say — (Look at watch) One o'clock. (Listen) All right. (Hangs up). 

MRS. — Who's that? Another patient? 

PROF. — No, my dear. (X to desk) A man has a business proposition to 
offer me. (Sit). 

RICH. — Then for Heaven's sake take it up and cut out this Elixir of Life 
hobby! 

PROF.— (Turn to Rich) Why, Richard, my boy! Holbby! You don't 
mean hobby? 

RICH. — Yes, hobby. What else can you call it? 

PROF. — You may call it such if you wish, Richard, but it is one of the 
greatest, if not the greatest, discoveries of any age. The benefits to the hu- 
man family are almost too great to be enumerated. 

MRS. — How about the benefits to OUR family? 

MAR-GERT— Yes— how about that? 

PROF. — (Wheels about in surprise) Our family? 

GLAD. — (Indignantly and with spirit) Yes — we are all suffering for it — 
eyery fool in the city has either phoned us or will do so in the next day or 
two. It makes one feel like an "It" to answer foolish questions about that 
old Elixir of Life — if you are going into that business, you had better stay 
at home or else hire someone to tend phone. 

MRS. — (Chidingly) Gladys! Be more respectful. 

GLAD. — (Almost weeping) I don't care, it makes me so mad I could al- 
most cry. 

MAR. — (Taking it up) And Gertie and I are ashamed to go back to 
school. 

GERT. — No one wants to be called the "Elixir Girls." I don't care if I 
never go to school again! 

RICH. — And you've gone and run ads in all these papers! (Holds up 
papers) One paper would have spread the foolish business far enough I 
should think. 

PROF. — (With emotion) To be thus called down by one's own family — 



that's pretty hard, my dear ones, especially just at the moment of my great- 
est triumph. (Bracing up) And believe me, it is a triumph! The day* is 
not far distant when the world, aye, even you will all be proud of me, your 
father, Professor Hezekiah Green. 

KICH.-nHuh! 

MRS— Oh, fudge! 

PROF. — But it was ever thus — all great geniuses, discoverers, scientists, 
and the like, have had to combat the objections and sneers of the world and 
even their dear ones at home. So I am not discouraged by your remon- 
strances — nothing can discourage me — I shall — 

JANE. — (Enters R. C. Staggers with arms full of mail) Here's the mail, 
sir. 

MRS. — (Throws up hands) Merciful Heavens! 

GIRLS.— Oh! Oh! Oh! 

RICH. — (Disgusted) You need a dray. 

PROF. — (Stands rubbing hands and smiling) Ah, the results are coming 
in! 

RICH. — It looks very much like it. 

PROF. — (Looks admiringly at mail and then at Rich) My great discov- 
ery seems to be appreciated, eh? 

RICH. — Huh! (Turns away) By a lot of crazy fo'ols, yes. 

JANE. — Where shall I put the letters, sir? 

PROF. — Oh, I beg your pardon, (Looks about) Just pile them on the 
desk. (Helps Jane). 

JANE. — (As they are piling letters on desk) They want you on the phone. 
Call Black 6-4-3-2. 

PROF.— Thank you. 

JANE. — Yes, sir. (Exit R. C. rubbing arms). 

MRS.-RIOH-GRILS. — (At R very much disgusted. Look at each other 
and then at Prof. Then they whisper in pantomime while Prof, reads letter). 

PROF. — (Sits at desk, adjusts glasses and in great anticipation, starts to 
open letters. Reads the first one) Ah, here is a man who says nes nearly 
in the grave and a fortune awaits me if I can give him a new lease of life. 
(Turns to Mrs.) I suppose you wouldn't object to a fo'rtune, would you, 
Mary. 

MRS. — No, I wouldn't, but I would want to see first. 

RICH. — You had better make him deposit the money before the treatment. 
Then if you are successful — 

PROF. — If I am successful? My boy, there is no doulbt of my success. 

RICH. — Then why not charge a regular fee for each and every treatment ? 
That would bring you a sure and steady income. 

MARIE.— That wouldnt be so bad. 

GERT. — If we had a lot of money, no one would call us names. 

PROF. — Great medical discoverers never charge a fee or announce their 
discoveries to the world until they have been proved by experiments on 
many patients. While there is no doubt of the greatness of my discovery, 
yet it must be proved by many successful clinics. 

RICH.— Oh, bosh! (Turns away). 

PROF. — (Looks over another opened letter) Here is a woman who has 
suffered for years. 

RICH.— That is not our fault. 

PROF. — I should hope not — but I am now able to relieve such poor and 
miserable creatures. 

GLAD.— Free? 

MRS. — Oh, of course. 

MAR.— And WE suffer for it! 

9 



GERT — Yes, all of us. 

PROF. — My dears, listen to me — you dont understand — some day we will 
get our just returns. You must have patience, all of you. (Very short ring 
on phone. Hesitates albout answering it). 

MRS. — That was the phone ringing. Why dont you answer it? 

PROF. — I will, my dear, if it rings again. 

MRS. — You will keep on answering that phone, too, and also the door 
for Jane has all she can do without extra duties added to what she has now. 

PROF. — (Meekly) Very well, my dear. 

MRS. — (Starts R. 1) Come, children. 

RICH. — "We'll talk to you again at luncheon. 

MRS.-RICH-GIRLS.— (Exuent R. 1.) 

PROF. — (After they exuent) You all scold me now and laugh at the 
Elixir of Life, but some day you will proudly declare that your father dis- 
covered the great life giving fluid. (Phone rings loudly) I suppose I dare 
answer it now. (X to phone) Hello. (Listen). 

DENNIS. — (Appears at door R. C, hat in hand. Wears an ordinary suit 
of clothes the worse for wear and not a good fit. Answers) Hello! 

PROF. — (At phone) Yes, this is Professor Green. (Listen at phone). 

DEN. — I'm glad to know ye. 

PROF. — You need my help, eh? 

DEN.— That I olo. 

PROF. — Its free. It wont cost you anything. (Listen). 

DEN.— Thats good. Whin do I begin? 

PROF. — Yes, oh any time will do. 

DEN. — I'm moighty glad to hear that. 

PROF. — All right. (Listen) Yes, dont stop to knock, come "right in. 
(Hang up). 

DEN.— Oilroight, (Come down C.) 

PROF.— (Turn and see Den, startled). 

DEN.— Well, here I am. 

PROF. — Ah, you came for treatment? 

DEN. — No sor, not me. 

PROF. — Then why came you here? 

DEN. — Ye asked me in, sor. 

PROF.— I asked you in? 

DEN. — Yis sor, ye sure did that, sor. 

PROF. — How could I do that? I never saw you before in all my life. 

DEN. — I've lived in this town a long time so thats not my fault. 

PROF.— Possibly not. 

DEN.- — Ye gave me a job and told me to come in. 

PROF. — (Aghast) Preposterous! Impossible! I dont know you I tell you. 
I never saw you before. 

DEN. — And for the sicond toime I say its not my fault! They told me at 
the door to come here and when I did you said: "Hello." I said, "Hello/' 
and thin ye gave me a job and told me to come in and here I am. 

PROF. — (Beginning to comprehend, looks at Den and at phone) Ah, I 
see it all now. You heard me talking at the phone and thought I was talk- 
ing to you. 

DEN. — And so that was the way of it? 

PROF. — Yes, it must have been. Its the only way I can account for it. . 

DEN. — (Disappointed) Thin it's all a mistake and I don't git no job? 
PROF. — How can I give you work when I have none to offer? 

DEN. — (Sighs) I suppose ye cant. (Starts to leave). 

PROF. — (Suddenly) Hold on! I do need an assistant just now to answer 

10 



the phone, answer the door (bell, usher in the guests, I should say patients, 
and help attend to my correspondence. Do you think you could do that! 

DEN.— All to onet? 

PEOF. — Well, as the occasion demands. 

DEN.^Sure I can do that! What do I get? 

PEOF. — (Turning to desk) Fifteen Dollars a week, the same as we give 
our teachers. If you could do janitor work, I would give you more. (Be- 
ginning to look over mail). 

DEN. — Oilroight, sor, I'll take it. (Aside) I'd tackle anything fer fifteen 
a wake. (Hangs hat E. C) 

PEOF.— Whats that? 

DEN. — I say, I think I'll like the place and I'll do anything ye want. 

PEOF. — Thats very kind indeed. (Phone rings) There goes the phone! 
Answer it — ah — whats your name? 

DEN.— r Dinnis — Dinnis McEaferty. 

PEOF. — Answer it, Dennis. 

DEN. — Tis, sor. (Hesitates). 

PEOF. — (Emphatic) Answer the phone: (Turn to desk). 

DEN. — Yis, sor. (X to phone, looks it over, speaks loudly in phone) 
Hel-lo! (Listen) I dont know — hold on — wait a minute. (To Prof) Say, 
mister, phwats yer name? 

PEOF. — Green — Professor Green. 

DEN. — (Phone) Hel-lo! (Listen) Yis sor, hes here. (Listen) I dont 
know. I'll find. out. (To Prof) Have you any liquor lift? 

PEOF. — (Shocked, turn to Den) Any what? 

DEN. — Liquor. Stuff phwat ye drink. 

PEOF. — (Indignant) No, of course not! 

DEN. — (Phones) Hel-lo! (Listen) No, of course not! (Listen) 
Phwats that? (Listen) Dont stand so clost? I'm not standin, I'm setting 
down. (Listen) Oh, my face? (Listen and then in very mild voice) Sure! 
In the poipers? I dont know. I'll find out. (To Prof) He says ye have 
advertised some in the poipers. 

•PEOF. — Why, of course! How stupid of me! Why he means Elixir — 
Elixir of Life. 

DEN. — And phwats that? 

PEOF. — My newly discovered fluid that will renew life — make you young 
again. 

DEN. — Thats sure foine! Does it cost much to take? 

PEOF. — No, its free. Hang up the receiver if you are through. 

DEN. — (Eecollecting) I dont know whether I am or not. (Phone) 
Hel-lo! (Listen, then louder) Hel-lo!! (Listen, much louder) Hel-lo! !! 

PEOF. — (Jumps, turns and looks at Den). 

DEN. — (Hangs up) Nothing doin! (Door bell rings off R.) 

PEOF. — You may answer the bell. 

DEN.— Now? 

PEOF.— Yes, didn't you hear it' ring? 

DEN.— Sure, I did that. 

PEOF.— Then answer it. 

DEN. — Oilroight, I will. (Aside as X E C). My, but this is a 'busy place. 

MES. — (Enter E. 1., just in time to' see Den exit) Who is that? A pa- 
tient? 

PEOF. — No, my dear, that is our new servant. 

MES. — New servant ? < % 

PEQF.— -(Nod) Yes servant, or rather private secretary. 

MES. — Servant or private secretary? How do you think we are to meet 
this added expense? 

11 



PBGF.— My dear, the Elixir of Life— 

MES. — (Breaking in) Elixir fiddlestocks! We can hardly afford one 
servant now and with winter coming on and the girls needing so many new 
things, I should like to know how you expect to pay another servant. 

PROF.— My dear— 

MRS. — I suppose hes a married man at that. You know how unreliable 
married servants are. 

PROF. — I don't know whether he is or not. I never thought to ask. 

MRS. — You know it is my rule never to have a married servant. 

PROF. — (Somewhat provoked) That is a ridiculous idea. What differ- 
ence can it make? 

MRS. — There must be an end to all this foolishness. I and the children 
have decided on that. At luncheon we are going to talk it all over with 
you very thoroughly. May be then you will see the errors of your ways 
and reform. Luncheon will be ready in ten minutes. (Exit R. 1. angry) 

PROF. — (Calls after Mrs.) I dont think I want any luncheon, my dear. 

Sink into chair and groans) Oh, this is something I had not anticipated. 
All my great work come to naught by the stubbornness and interference 
of my own family. 

DEN. — (Enter R. C.) Here comes some men carryin a big box. 

PROF.— For met 

DEN. — Sure it is. May be they are bringing ye a prisint or somethin. 

PROF.— (Laughing, X to door R. C.) Hardly that. (Looks out R. C. 
Joyfully) Ah, it has come! (Exit R. C. hurriedly). 

DEN. — (Looking out R. C.) Its not coming very fast the way they are 
staggerin down the hall. 

JAMES- JACK-PROF.— (Heavy footfalls heard off R. C. for a moment). 

PROF.— (Off R. C.) You may bring it in here. 

JAMES-JACK-PROF.— (Heavy footfalls until they get to the door. They 
enter R. C, Prof leading the way very much pleased. James and Jack fol- 
low with mummy box. Jack is on front end. Both wear overalls and 
jumpers and have caps pulled down over faces in tough manner. In their 
hip pockets they have receipt (books and papers. On front of box is a plac- 
and, "Handle with Care." They are about to throw box down. 

PROF.— (Quickly) Be careful! Dont drop it! 

JACK. — (In thin, piping voice) We'll have to drop it pretty soon. 

JAMES. — (Heavy, coarse voice) It weighs a ton. 

PROF. — (Takes time looking about for a place). 

JAMES- JACK— (Stagger under load). 

PROF. — (Smiling, points down 0) You may place it there — carefully 
please. 

JAMES-JACK. — (Drop box with a thud down C. In exhausted breath) 
Thanks! 

DEN. — (Aside) Yer welcome. 

JAMES. — (Taking out receipt book and pencil) This is 232 N. Superior 
>St., isnt it? 

PROF.— Yes, certainly. 

JAMES. — (Holds out book and pencil) Then sign the book for this 
parcel. (Indicates box). 

JACK. — (Looking over Prof's shoulder) -Second line from the bottom. 

PROF.— (Signs book). 

JAMES. — {Jerks book from Prof and puts it in hip pocket) When you 
order more junk from Sears-Roebuck 'better have it come in smaller pack- 
ages. 

PROF. — I do not deal with mail order houses but I will follow out your 
suggestions, if possible. 

12 



JAMES. — It would take a truck horse to deliver packages like that all 
day. 

JACK. — Next time we charge extra for it. 

PROF. — Very well, have your own way. 

JAMES. — Sure we will. We are real expressmen, we are. Come on, Jack. 

JACK. — I'm with you, pal. 

JAMES-JACK— (Exuent R. C.) 

PROF. — (Looking at box with smile of satisfaction) Ah, the mummy! 

DEN. — (Looking box over) Phwats that? 

PROF. — (As though breaking important news) In that box, Dennis, is a 
mummy. 

DEN. — A bummy? Sure and phwats that? 

PROF. — Its the dead body of a man. 

DEN. — Wow! I'm going! (Starts toward door R. C.) 

PROF.— (Holds up hand) Stop! Wait! 

DEN.— (Stops). 

PROF. — Dont run away. He cant hurt you. 

DEN. — I dont know about that. 

PROF. — How can he harm you? He's been dead five thousand years. 

DEN. — Thats sure dead oilroight, oilroight. 

PROF. — I am going to give him some of my Elixir of Life and bring him 
to life again. 

DEN. — Thats foine. But may be he'd rather be dead. 

PROF. — I hardly think so, for no man really wants to die. He will be 
more than grateful to me that I brought him back to life. 

DEN. — My, my, but he will have a hard toime a finding any of his friends. 

PROF. — I may be able to bring his friends back to life, too. 

DEN. — Ye are sure a foine man! But I hope ye wont bring his friends 
back to loife in this town. Its hard enough to find work now as it is, sor. 

CICERO.— (Rings bell off R.) 

PROF. — (Crossing to desk) There goes the bell. 

DEN.— I know it. I'm not deef. 

PROF. — Then answer it. 

DEN.— Who? me? 

PROF.^Certainly, you. 

DEN.— Oh, oilroight. (Exit R. C.) 

PROF. — (Looking after Den) I guess Mary is right. I dont need a 
servant — at leasti not one like Dennis. 

DEN. — (Enter R. C, bowing and scraping) Come roight in, sor. 

CIC. — (Enter R. C. Dressed in long frock coat, which he keeps buttoned. 
Black trousers. Shablby high silk hat. Long black wig. The entire make-up 
is very much "Bum Legit". Has hat on left arm and carries a large cane. 
Walks with long, tragic strides and speaks in a very deep voice. Strides to 
Prof, and shakes hands warmly) My dear Professor, I am deelighted to 
meet with you again. (Looks at box) Ah, I see that King Pharoah has 
preceded me. (Raps box with cane) Have you gazed upon him yet? 

PROF. — No, the mummy just came, besides I havent the key to the box. 

CIC. — How stupid of me — of course not. I had forgotten that little detail. 

PROF. — That doesnt matter. I believe in you and will take your word 
regarding him. 

CIC. — This morning I did not have time, Professor, to tell you all about 
King Pharoah as I should have done. (Indicating Den) Can I speak before 
this gentleman? 

PROF.— (Nod) Certainly. 

DEN. — Sure. I wasnt going to talk anyway. 

PROF. — Dennis is my private secretary. 

13 



CIC— Oh, I see. Well, the tale is soon told. I belong to a syndicate for 
the promotion of the Higher Drama and we were exploiting that greatest 
modern play, "A Daughter of Egypt". We required something appropriate 
to call distinctive attention to the most majestic of all modern tragedies and 
I suggested that we acquire an Egyptian mummy as being pertinent for the 
project. I went to that wonderful country of the Nile and after many hard- 
ships, privations and strange adventures, I found in a newly discovered 
Pyramid just below the First Cataract, this mummy, the mummy of the 
most ancient and respected of the Early Egyptians— this mummy which now 
reposes before you — the mummy of King Pharoah. 

PROF. — Ah yes, but which one? There are many Pharoahs. 

CIC— (Somewhat disconcerted) Why— why— ^Pharoah— the first Pharoah 
(With confidence) Yes, PHAROAH THE FIRST! 

PROF.— (Appears doubtful) That seems almost impossible. 

CIC— Take not my word for it. Bring him to life and he can vouch the 
truth. 

PROF.— (Smiling) Why, of course — thats a good idea. But now— 
CIC— Professor Green, it almost breaks the heart to part with this friend 
of so long ago but need demands, as I told you this morning, that I get the 
wherewithal to keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. "A Daughter of 
Egypt" did not appeal to the common mind. Not even King Pharoah could 
interest the populace. Then it was that Fate decreed that we disband and 
I was presented with Pharoah. My wife — you have never seen her? 

PROF. — I have never had that pleasure. Didnt even know that you had 
a wife. 

CIC — Ah, she is a most wonderful person! My wife advised me to sell 
King Pharaoh. I could not think of his falling into vulgar hands and then 
I saw your advertisement. Here, I said, is a man of profound learning- 
one who will give my old friend the care he deserves— one who can use 
him for the advancement of science. It lifted a great load from off my 
mind when you agreed to take King Pharoah under your protecting win?, 
as it were. ©■ e» 

PROF.— I promise you he shall have the very best of care even during my 
experiments. One thousand Dollars was the price, was it not? 

CIC— You have stated the amount exactly. (Takes out key and starts 
to UDlock box). 

PROF —(Going to desk) Then I will make out the check at once. (At 
desk signing check) Let us hope that my experiment will have a success- 
ful outcome. 

CIC— I feel certain that it will be successful. (Smiles to Himself) 

PJtOF.— (Rises with check in hand) Dennis, you may go down to the 
clothiers and get a complete outfit for the mummv 

DEN— (Starts R. C) Yis, sor. 

PROF.— Tell them to charge the bill to me. 

DEN.— Yis, sor. (Starts again, then stops) Phwat size sor? 

^ 0F -— Wh y—ah— ah— (To Cic ) How ^11 is King Pharoah? 

CIC- (Busy at lock, pause) Eh? Oh, King Pharoah? Well, about five 
feet ten or there abouts. 

55^~ ( S etting fri S ntened ) Are ye really going to dress him up? 
PROF.— Not until he comes to life. (Looks at check and fumbles it ab- 
sent mmdedly). 

S^ -0 ^ ^^', <^; side ) Tli at ould man is sure nutty! (Exit R. C) 

* *? ?*~ (T .° ' Cl H . Why ' * almost for 2 ot F° u ** thinking of the great past 
of the Egyptians. I beg your pardon, sir. -; 

CIC— Not at all. 

14 



PROF. — Here is the check for One Thousand Dollars and I thank you for 
■teing the means — 

JANE. — (Enter E. 1.) Mrs. Green says to tell you that luncheon is 
served. 

PROF. — Kindly tell Mrs. Green I do not wish any luncheon. My time is 
far too precious to even think of eating. 

JANE.— Yes, sir. (Exit R. 1.) 

PROF. — As I was saying when the servant interrupted, I am thankful to 
you for being the means by which I may advance my great discovery still 
further. 

CIC. — Dont mention it. Here is the key to the present abode of King 
Pharaoh. (Hands key to' Prof. Stands at L end of box and raises lid) The 
door is now open. (Takes check). 

PROF. — (Stands enraptured back of box looking at mummy) The real 
mummy of King Pharoah, the First! I can hardly believe it is true. 

MRS.-RICH-GIRLS— (Appear at door R. 1). 

MRS.— Well! 

CIC. — (Drops lid with a bang) 

MRS. — Hezekiah, what on earth does this mean? 

PROF. — (Smiling) It means, my dear, that I have purchased — just pur- 
chased — the mummy of a Pharoah from this gentleman, Mr. Cicero — 

CIC. — '(Bowing and smiling) Cicero de Rhodes, Madame. 

MRS.-RICH-GiRLS— (Ignore Cic.) 

PROF. — Yes, I have just purchased this mummy for one thousand dollars. 

MRS. — Merciful heavens! What next? (X to Prof, angrily) 

PROF.-CIC— (Back away) 

MRS. — Hezekiah Green, are you stark mad? One thousand dollars for 
an old mummy and our home not paid for! (Back of box) You want to 
use this old thing in your experiment, I suppose? 

PROF.— (C.) Yea, my dear— 

MRS. — (More enraged) I won't have it! (X to desk) You know better! 
I and the children have some rights. Haven't we, children? 

GIRLS— (Nod) Yes, we have! 

RICH— We CERTAINLY have! 

PROF.— (Stands meekly up C.) 

CIC. — (Up R. C. coming forward) Madame, I would explain that — 

MRS. — Explain? You! You! You explain? It's all your fault! 

PROF. — (Reproachfully) Mary, my dear — 

MRS. — And yours, too! (Throws handful of letters at Prof.) I'll teach 
you about Elixir of Life! (Throws again) 

CIC. — But Madame — 

MRS. — And I'll teach you, too! (Throws letters at Cic.) Get out! 
(Throw again) 

CIC. — (Backin & away from Mrs., pulls hat down on head, turns up coat 
collar and makes a dash for door R. C.) 

DL~N. — (Appears at door R. C, loaded down with store bundles) 

CIC. — '(Bumps into Den., scattering the bundles and boxes over stage) 

MRS.— (To Den.) You get out, too! (Throws letters at Den.) 

DEN. — (Dodging) Hold on! Hold on! I ain't done nothing! 

MRS. — Yes, you have, too! (Throws again) 

PROF. — (Stoops to pick up letters) 

MRS. — Don't you dare touch them! Don't you even dare answer them! 
(Throws) Nor any of these! (Throws) I'll teach you how I can run this 
house! Get these bundles out of here! (Kicks bundles about) And this 
servant ! Get him out with the rest ! ( Runs at Den. and throws box at him ) 

ALL — (General hub-bub, Rich and the Girls frightened as well as the 

15 



others. All are running about trying to get out of the way and in so doing 
overturn furniture, etc. In the midst of it all, Mrs. throws herself into of- 
fice chair by desk, beating the floor with her heels and screaming hysterically. 
This scene if worked out carefully will make one of the hits of the play. 
It will also make the opening of the next ACT much stronger.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

ACT II. 

(Same setting as ACT I., only the entire stage is topsy-turvy. The screen 
is lying on stage in front of stand and all the furniture is upset. The bigger 
the wreck looks the better for the laugh that will follow) 

DEN. — (Short pause, enter R. C. cautiously) I wonder if I dare come 
in? (Look about for a moment) My, my, phwat an awful looking place! 
(Begins to right things, talks as he works) It's the worst I ever seen. I 
was in a Kansas cyclone onct, but that was nothing like this. That ould 
woman is a corker. I'll bet the ould man won't give her any of that dope of 
his. If sne belonged to me, I would want her to die to wanst. Thank the 
Lord she's aslape now after the doctor gave her thim powders. He said 
it was a bad case of nerves. I guess he's right. She has nerve oilright, oil- 
right ' The poor girls have been crying and carrying on something dreadful 
ever since she threw that fit. It's sure an awful place! Looks as though 
they were all luny. Maybe I kin stand it fer wan wake and maybe I can't. 
(By box, look at it) You ould cuss, you're the cause of it all. (Shake fist 
at box) Why couldn't ye stay in the ould country where ye belong? (Turn 
up stage) I niver did have much use for kings anyway. They are always 
making trouble in the world. (Lifts screen and starts back in surprise) 

PROF. — (Very much disheveled, is huddled up under screen. Sits up be- 
wildered. Speaks in discouraged voice ) Has the meeting broken up ? 

DEN. — Yis sor, I guess it broke up most everything. (Put screen in place) 

PROF. — I think it did. Oh, it was awful! Simply awful! (Holds head 
in hands collecting thoughts) Where is Mary — Mrs. Green? 

DEN. — The doctor came and gave her some powders and now she's aslape. 
He said, everything considered, he thought she had some bad nerves. 

PROF. — He is quite right, she has. And the children — Richard and the 
girls — are they safe ? 

DEN. — Yis sor. But the girls have been cryin something awful. 

PROF. — One can't blame them for that. 

DEN.— No, sor. 

PROF. — Where did Mr. de Rhodes go? Where is he? 

DEN. — He lift early, sor, very fast. I didn't think actors could run like 
that. 

PROF. — (Getting up stiffly) Thank heaven, there were no fatalities. 

DEN. — (Assisting Prof, to his feet) I haven't found any, sor. 

PROF. — I am going to my room and re-arrange my clothes. If anyone 
calls for me, tell them I won't be at home for an hour. ( Slowly X. D. L. 1 ) 

DEN. — 'Yis, sor, I will sure do that. 

PROF. — (Turn at door) Clean up the rest of the room, Dennis; make it 
as respectable as you can. 

DEN.— Yis, sor. 

PROF.— Exit L. 1) 
DEN. — (Busy about room) He sure got off lucky. But maybe he's used 
to thim fits by now. I know I couldn't git used to thim in a thousand years. 

JANE — (Enter R. 1. Sees Den., stops in surprise) Dennis McRaferty! 

DEN. — (Startled, quickly) Yis, ma'am! (Turn and sees Jane. Short 
pause then a grin spreads over his face and he runs to her and takes her in 
his arms) Me own darlint! 

16 



JANE — What in the world are you doing here? 

DEN. — fnwat am I doin here? Why, workin, to be sure! 

JANE — You working here? 

DEN. — Sure! An fer fifteen a week. Phwat do ye think of that? 

JANE — I'm afraid you won't stay long. 

DEN.- — i (Throwing out chest) Oh, I don't know — I've got a good stand-in 
wid the boss. 

JANE — Huh! That won't do you much good. He ain't the boss anyway. 
It's the Missus, and it's her I'm thinking about. 

DEN. — I guess yer roight. 

JANE — And she don't like married servants. She thinks I am single. 

DEN. — (Laugh) That's a good joke! She don't know ye have me fer 
a husband and that we have a swate little baby? God bless it! 

JANE — Sh! (Look about cautiously) Not so loud, they might hear you. 
Of course she doesn't know or I wouldn't be here now. Where is our little 
darling ? 

DEN. — I got that fixed up foine. Mrs. O'Reilly is going to look after 
baby until we can foind a good place for her. 

JANE — And didn't you know better than to come right here and hire out 
after I told you in the note not to come near or I would lose my place? 

DEN. — I niver thought of this bein the place. Was that in the note? 
(Fumble in pocket, get note and reads) "Dear Dennis: I am engaged at 23S 
N. Superior St., but don't come to see me. (Look about sheepishly, reads) 
Whin I kin git off, I will come to ye and explain. Take good care of baby. 
Your darling wife, Jane." (Pause) That's roight. I niver thought of the 
number whin I called for me job. (Pause) Well, I suppose I'll have to quit. 

JANE — No, I'll tell you what we'll do; we'll act just as though we never 
knew each other. 

DEN.— That's tough! 

JANE — We will find a place for baby near here, then all will be lovely. 

DEN. — It's a good head ye have an we'll do it that way. With both of us 
workin, we kin soon pay fer the little cottage. 

JANE — (Sees mummy box, is surprised) Where did the big box come 
from? 

DEN. — Some men jist brought it. 

JANE — (Looking box over) How funny it looks. What's in it? 

DEN. — (Holding up finger) Sh! (Close to her, " mysteriously ) It's a 
dead man! 

JANE — (Frightened) A dead man in the house! Oh! I surely won't 
stay here now! 

DEN. — (Grabs her) Don't git scart-ed. He can't hurt ye. Why, he's 
been dead five thousand years! 

JANE — Five thousand years? 

DEN. — Yis, he's phwat they call a bummy and he's a rale gintleman — a 
foreign king. 

JANE— A king? 

DEN.— Yis, sor. 

JANE— That isn't so bad. 

DEN. — I thought you'd like him. (Door 'bell rings) Whist! You must 
git out of here quick! Some one's at the door an I must answer the bell. 

JANE — i ( Crossing R. 1 ) Remember, we are not married. 

DEN— Perfect strangers. (Exit R. C.) 

JANE— (Exit R. 1) 

PROF. — r( Enter L. 1, looking sorrowful, hair and clothes arranged. X to 
desk, sits thoughtfully) I wonder if I had better give up? With a certain 
success witnin my grasp even these recent occurrences are enough to dis« 
courage one. I'm weary, dead weary of it all. (Happens to look at box) 

17 



Ah, the mummy! No, I won't surrender until I have experimented on him. 
(X to box, lift lid. Look at mummy admiringly for a moment) I'm glad 
that you escaped annihilation, old chap. 

MRS. — (Appears at door R. 1, speaks sharply) Hezekiah! 

PROF.— ( Startled, meekly) Yes, my dear, I— I — hope you are feeling 
better. 

MRS. — Feeling better? Nothing of the sort! When you get through 
with that old mummy, I want to see you! (Exit R. 1) 

PROF. — (Drops lid and turns away discouraged) Oh, what's the use! 
(Sit at desk witn head bowed) There is no hope for my experiment, no 
hope ! 

DEN.— (Enter R. C) 

PROF.— Did the bell ring? 

DEN. — Only the poiper boy, sor. 

PROF. — Dennis, I have made up my mind to one thing. . 

DEN. — x nwat's that, sor ? 

PROF. — From now on I shall take all the money I can get for my Elixir 
of Life. 

DEN. — Sure! That's a moighty good idea. 

PROF. — It's money that counts after all, Dennis. It's nothing but money. 

DEN. — Yer roight there, sor. I found that out a long time ago. 

PROF. — There will be no objection to the Elixir of Life when it makes a 
fortune. 

DEN. — Yer roight again, sor. A man can do anything if he has money. 

PROF. — Your remarks, though brief, give me hope and confidence. (Rising) 
I will persevere in my life's greatest work. And the mummy shall aid me, 
for I will experiment on him at once. (Turns to desk) We shall yet prove 
our great theory of the rejuvenation of life. (Takes large bottle from desk) 

DEN. — Oil roight. (Indicates bundles up L. C.) And here are his new 
clothes all ready. (Aside) I hope they fit. 

PROF. — (Takes large graduate from desk. Speaks to himself) It takes 
one drop for eacn year — five thousand drops — five thousand years — fourteen 
ounces. (Pours contents of bottle into graduate) There, it just takes it 
all. (Aloud) And now, Dennis — 

BUFFALO— ( Rings bell off R. C.) 

PROF. — That bell again? That's unfortunate — but we can wait. (Put 
graduate on desk) 

DEN. — Yis, sor. Tha bummy will kape. (Exit R. C.) 

PROF. — Tomorrow the world will be startled by seeing a Pharoah upon 
the streets of this city, and my name will be on every tongue. Perhaps then, 
Mary and the children — 

DEN. — Enters R. C. and stands by door) Buffalo Pete, sor. 

BUF. — (Enters R. C. Wears cowboy outfit and make-up. Removes hat 
ai d speaks in loud voice ) Howdy ! ( Shakes hands with Prof, roughly ) 
Glad to see yeh! 

PROF. — (Somewhat alarmed, mildly) How do you do, sir? 

BUF. — (Looking about) Nice shack you have here, pardner. 

PROF.— (Taken back) Yes— ' 

BUF. — Mighty swell, all right. Ain't no saloon in Tombstone can beat it. 

PROF.— (Gasps) What— 

BUF. — Kind of surprised yeh, eh? Well, it's right whether you believe 
it or not. 

PROF.— I trust it is. 

BUF. — I reckon you are the perfesser. 

PROF. — Professor Green, yes. 

BUF. — Well, you ain't a bad looking chap. 

18 



PROF— (Gasps) 

BUF. — I thought at first this fellow here (points to Den.) was it. 

DEN.— (Aside) Phwat do ye think of that? 

BUF. — But I guesj he's a kind of hired man of yours, eh? 

PROF. — My private secretary. 

DEN. — (Aside, proudly) That's me. 

BUF. — (Slowly looking Den. over) Oh, that's it. (Coming forward) 
There ain't no use heating about the bush any longer, pardner. (Short 
pause as he fumbles his hat) I came in from Arizona ter git married. 

PROF.— Indeed! 

BUF. — Yep! Saw yer ad in the paper and thought I'd see you first. 

PROF. — (Smiling) Ah, I see. You want to be a young looking bride- 
groom, so you came to me. 

BUF. — Not zactly. (Fumble hat) I'm pretty tolerably fair lookin, I 
take it, jest as I am. A little brown perhaps, but tough as sage brush and 
there ain't no co.vpuncher in Arizona can rope and throw a steer quicker'n 
I kin. 

PROF. — You look hardy, that's certain. 

BUF. — (More confused) It's my new side kick I'm thinking about, pard- 
ner. You see she's jest a leetle out o' date — see the point? 

PROF. — Oh, it's for her you wish treatment? 

BUF. — You git the idee zactly. You see, pardner, I landed her through 
oi.e of them matrimony bureaus and when I got here and looked her over, 
why, sne's not quite up to snuff as to looks. 

PROF.— (Nod) I see. 

BUF. — It would never do to tote her back a lookin that way. The boys 
wouldn't stand fer it— so I thought that you — 

PROF. — A good idea indeed, but will she consent? 

BUF. — Don't worry none about that, pardner. She's neard about you and 
she's coming liere today — told me so herself. 

MATILDA— (Rings bell off R. C.) 

DEN.— (Exit R. C.) 

PROF.— Well? 

BUF. — (Coming closer to Prof, and speaking confidentially) I wanted to 
suggest, pardner, that you wouldn't stint the dose. 

PROF.-^( Laughs) I see. Well, I'll do the best I can. 

BUF. — (Takes out big wallet and takes out bills) No man kin do more. 
Here's one hundred dollars (gives money to Prof.) jest to show good faith. 

PROF. — Takes it smiling, glances at Buf) Thank you. 

BUF. — You git her corralled all right and there's four hundred more 
simoleons coming to you. Will that square things? 

PROF.— Oh, perfectly. 

MAT. — (Off R. C, high shrill voice) Thank you. Oh, I'm so glad he's in! 

BUF. — (Proudly) That's her. I'll git out o' sight till she's gone. (Puts 
on hat and hides behind screen. Watches her devotedly during the scene, 
but is careful she doesn't see him) 

DEN.— (Enter R. C.) Miss Matilda Hawkins. (Behind hand to Prof.) 
She's a good one. 

MAT. — (Enters R. C. fussily. Wears old maid comedy dress and make-up) 

PROF. — (Extending hand) Miss Hawkins, how do you do? 

MAT. — (Shakes hands, giggles) Oh, quite well, sir. You are Professor 
Green ? 

PROF. — I have that honor. (Brings chair L. C.) Pray be seated. 

BUF. — i (Looks over screen) 

DEN.— (Surprised to see Buf. Aside) Hel-lo! 

BUF. — (Motions Den. to keep quiet) 

19 



MAT. — (Sits L. C. and fussily arranges skirt, hair, etc.) I wanted to be 
sure you were Professor Green before I spoke my errand. (Giggles) I — I — 
wanted to be treated — (giggles) — my youth restored, you know. You can 
do that, can't you? 

PROF. — Of course, yes. (Sit at desk) 

MAT. — (Giggles) It's important it be done at once. 

PROF.— Well, I— 

MAT. — >( Giggles) I have prospects at last, good prospects, and you can 
assure me a satisfactory outcome. Would it be asking too much for you to 
restore my youth of twenty years ago? 

PROF. — Not at all — easiest thing in the world. 

MAT. — (Clasping hands together) Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! If you 
will do that, I will be your debtor forever and forever. 

PROF. — There is no chance of failure. 

MAT. — (Takes purse out of hand bag and takes out bills) That's good! 
Here is a hundred dollars (rise and offer bills to Prof.) and more is yours 
if I am — 

PROF. — (Holds up hand in objection) No, no, I can't take it. 

MAT. — But why? I am more than willing to pay. 

PROF. — (Quickly) It's already paid for. (Hand to lips, looks at screen) 

BUF.— (Motions wildly, "No") 

PROF. — (Confused) I mean — no charges will be made. 

MAT. — (Replacing money) Oh, thank you! (Giggles) And you will 
really make me young? 

PROF.— (Nod) I surely will. 

MAT. — (Throws arms about Prof's, neck) Oh, you darling old man! 

DEN.— (Aside) Fer the love of Mike! 

BUF. — (Angry, draws gun on Prof.) 

PROF. — (Does not see Buf., slowly puts Mat. off) My dear madame, 
I can well understand your great joy and I overlook your unbecoming be- 
havior. (Looking at watch) I have another patient waiting now. 

DEN. — (Point to box. Aside) Yes, and he's older. 

PROF. — Come back, say in one-half hour, and your case will be taken 
care of. 

MAT. — (Giggles) Thank you, Professor, thank you! That one-half hour 
will seem as a life time. (At door, turn and wave hand) Au revoir, till 
we meet again! 

PROF.— Good day. 

MAT.— (Exit R. C) 

DEN. — (Watcher her out of door, aside) Oh, you old kiddo! 

BUF. — (Comes from behind screen) What do you think of her? Some 
gal, eh? 

PROF. — (Arranging tie, hesitates) Ah — er — a little impetuous, it seems 
to me. 

BUF. — Well, rather! Hope you didn't git mad at me fer buttin in, pard- 
ner, but you was gittin most too clost to facts. 

PROF.— Oh, that's all right. 

BUF. — Say, this deal will jest fix me out. She's got the dust — tons of it, 
and I can buy that ranch at Painted Post I have had my eye on. She wants 
me and I want the ranch. Everybody will be satisfied — good deal, eh? 
PROF. — If you look at it that way. 

BUF. — Tnat's the ONLY way, pardner. Can't you see that it is? 
PROF. — I suppose so. (Looks about not heeding Buf.) You can hardly 
leave now without Miss Hawkins seeing you. Better step into my room and 
wait. (Indicate L. 1) 

BUF. — Good idee. (X. L. 1, turn at door and wink knowingly at Prof.) 
Got any Tangle-Foot in there? 

20 



PROF. — (Looking at Buf over his glasses) Any what? 

BUF. — Tangle-Foot. (Pause, then sees Prof, don't understand) Ked-Eye! 

PROF. — I fail to get your meaning. 

BUF. — I mean milk of the wild cow. 

PROF. — (Shakes head) I have none of those you mention — nothing but 
Elixir of Life. 

BUF.— Good Lord, man! You're worse than a Prohibitionist! (Exit L. 1) 

PROF. — (Laughs) I see it now! (Laughs) He wanted a drink. For 
once ne won't get it. (Turn to desk and take graduate and glass funnel) 
Now, Dennis, for our great experiment. (Comes down L. end of box) 

DEN. — *(Come3 down R. end of box) Yis, sor. I hope we do it this time. 

PROF. — 'Then hurry up and raise the lid. 

DEN.— You bet I'll hurry! (Lifts lid and holds it) 

PROF. — Tomorrow, Mr. Mummy, you will be a neiw man or rather your 
old self again. (Prepares to administer Elixir) 

GLAD. — (Appears at door R. 1) Papa! 

DEN. — (Startled, drops lid with a slam) Wow! 

PROF. — (Quickly conceals graduate and funnel behind him) Well, 
Gl-tdys, what is it? 

GLAD. — Mamma wants to know when she can see you. 

PROF. — In just a moment, my dear. 

GLAD.— Huh! (Exit R. 1) 

PROF. — Quick now, Dennis! 

RICH. — (Appears at door R. C. and watches the scene) 

DEN.— (Lifts lid) 

PROF. — 1( Quickly pours contents of graduate through funnel into small 
pail concealed in box) There! It is done at last! 

DEN. — My, but he was dry! (Reflecting) Five thousand years without 
a drink — no wonder! 

PROF. — In the next few hours we shall see results. 

DEN. — (Shuts lid) Yis, sor. I hope so, sor. 

RICH.— (Exit R. C. quickly) 

PROF. — I'm going in now and entertain Mr. Pete until Miss Hawkins 
returns. You may call me, if any one comes. 

DEN.— Yis, sor. 

PROF.— (Exit L. 1) 

DEN. — If anyone comes ? Sure, they do nothing but come. It's so busy 
here all th». toime wan don't git a chanct to ate. I think I'll jist step out 
and git a bite if I git fired fer it. (Takes hat. Exit R. C.) 

RICH. — (Enters R. 1 cautiously, goes about room to see that no one 
is in. X back to door R. 1, speaks softly) Come in, quick! 

GLAD.— (Enter R. 1, cautiously) Well, what is it? 

RICH. — (Speaks hurriedly) Now listen to what I say, for we have no 
time to lose. 

GLAD.— (Expectant) Yes— 

RICH. — Father has gone crazy on that Elixir of Life. 

GLAD.— Oh, Dick, don't say that. 

RICH.— Well, then, daft, if that sounds any better to you. Why, he is so 
daft he believes he can bring that old mummy back to life. I saw him give 
it the Elixir dope just a moment ago. 

GLAD.— (Laughing) Honest? 

RICH.— Yes, and that's what I call pretty nutty. But I'll bet he won't 
see tne resurrection. (Opens lid clear back) Come, help lift him out. 

GLAD.— (Shivers) Ough! No, it's dead! I can't touch it— I just can't! 

RICH— It can't hurt you and it may cure father if we can get it out of 
tne way. 

GLAD. — I can't see how. 

21 



RICH. — ((Provoked at delay) If I must explain, I intend to take the 
mummy away, then come back dressed as an Indian and pretend that I am 
the mummy re-animated, see? 

GLAD.— (Nod) Yes. 

RICH. — Maybe I can scare father into his senses again. 

GLAD. — Well, if it will save poor papa, I will help. 

RICH. — Save him? Of course it will. Give me a hand there quick — you 
take his feet. 

GLAD. — (Squeamishly takes hold) My, how light he is! 

RICH. — He's well reasoned all right. (Leave box open) 

GLAD. — (As they X towards door R. 1) Where shall we put him? 

RICH. — We'll put him where he'll do no more harm. We'll (as they 
exuent) burn him in the furnace. 

RICH.-GLAD.— (Exuent R. 1) 

DEN. — (Enter R. C. eating sandwich, hangs up hat) Thought I'd better 
hurry back and be on me job. (Looks aghast at open box, runs to it) May 
the Lord have mercy on me! (Drops sandwich) I was off duty and let the 
bummy escape! 

MAGGIE— <( Rings bell off R. C.) 

DEN. — Whist! Maybe that's him a comin back. (Looks frightened, runs 
to door R. C.) Come in, if ye want to. . (Pause) Come in! 

MAG. — (Enters R. C. with baby in arms. She looks tough and dresses 
accordingly in loud out of date finery, etc.) Hello, Denny! 

DEN. — Maggie O'Reilly! Phwat in the world are ye a doin here? 

MAG. — (Tough voice) I come to bring ye yer kid. Mother says she 
can't take care for it no more. 

DEN.— Can't? She must! 

MAG. — She's got a job now and has gone away to work. 

DEN. — An couldn't ye take care of the baby? 

MAG. — (Shakes head) I should say not! 

DEN. — Jist fer a little while. I'll fioid a place for it this very night. 

MAG. — An rats! I don't know how to tend babies. 

DEN. — Ye don't have to know much to care for a baby jist wan day. 

MAG. — (Shake head) Not me! 

DEN. — Ah, come on, couldn't ye git along fer jist wan day? 

MAG. — (Shake head) Ugh-ugh! I'm no kindergarten. 

DEN. — 1 suppose ye want to be gaddin the strates — 

MAG. — Say, Dennis, what's yer tryin ter do. Lecture me? Come on now 
and take yer kid. I'm tired of holding it. (Hold baby out to Den.) 

DEN. — (Backs away) I won't take it! Ye must care fer it until tonight. 

MAG. — Ah, what are ye talking this rag time fer? It's your kid ain't it? 

DEN.— Sure, I'm its father. 

MAG. — (Holding out baby) Then take it. 

DE1N. — I won't, I tell you, for I'd lose me place. 

MAG. — That ain't nothing to me. Lose yer place! (Places baby on settee) 

DEN. — Ye've got lots of sass, Maggie O'Reilly. 

MAG. — That's all right, Denny. (Point to settee) Well, there's yer kid. 
You can be nurse girl now. I'll fly fer me home. Good luck to you, papa! 
(Laughs, waves hand, exit R. C.) 

DEN. — (X to door R. C. and call after Mag.) Ye good fer nothin spal- 
peen! (Aside) If I ever raise a girl like that, may the good Lord strike 
me dead! (X to settee) Ye little rascal! Ye've got yer ould daddy in a 
nice scrape now, haven't ye? 

MRS.— (Calls off R. 1) Hezekiah? Hezekiah! 

DEN. — (Alarmed, grabs baby up) Oh, Lord, the ould woman! 

MRS.— Hezekiah ! 

22 



DEN. — (Runs about bewildered) She'll throw another fit if she finds the 
baby. 

MRS. — Hezekiah! Are you coming or shall I bring you? 

DEN. — (Almost collapses) Now we're caught sure and me job is gone! 
No, I'll hide the baby — (looks about) — in the bummy box. (Putting baby 
in box) She won't dare look in there. Now kape still, ye little rascal. 
(Shut lid. I'll be roight back. Exit R. C.) 

PROF.— 7 (Enter L. 1) No one here! Strange! I thought 1 heard some 
one call. Was sure I heard my name. (Absent mindedly makes way to 
box and lifts lid — almost overcome with surprise — highly elated, falls on 
knees by box) It worked! It really worked! And he's only a baby! 
(Lifts baby, leaving wraps in box and showing baby in its little shirt and 
stork "pants) How do you do, Prince Pharoah — well — well! (Looks at baby 
a moment) Strange, but somehow you remind me of Dennis. (Puts baby 
back in box) Ah, what will Mary and the children say now? They can no 
longer be unbelievers. (Start R. 1) I'll bring them in and show them my 
great triumph. (Exit R. 1, greatly elated) 

DEN.- JANE— (Enter R. C. cautiously) 

JANE — Wnat did you let her leave the baby for? 

DEN. — Sure, an I couldn't help meself. 

JANE — You ought to know better than let her do that. 

DEN. — I do know better, but I guess you don't know Maggie O'Reilly. 

JANE — Now we'll both lose our places — then what will we do? 

DEN. — Come now, don't give up. Maybe we kin git baby away before 
they come in and thin it will be oil roight. 

JANE — Where is the little darling? 

DEN. — Now don't git scarfed whin I tell ye I put her in the big box. 

JANE — (Gasps) In with the dead king? (Hands over eyes) Oh, how 
could you? 

DEN. — I had to do it, darlint. I heard the ould woman comin and I 
had to hide our darlint quick an safe. Come an git her. (X to box) 

JANE — (Crying) Oh, I daresn't look. I know it killed her. 

DEN. — (X to Jane and console her) There, there, don't cry. She's oil 
roight — she has the whole box to herself. The bummy has waked up and 
gone. (Lifts lid. To baby) Come here, ye swate wan! (Hands baby to 
Jane) There she is, safe an sound. 

JANE — (Seizes baby joyfully) Our own precious darling! (Kisses baby) 

DEN. — (Haj left box open) We must git her out of here moighty quick. 

JANE — I know what we'll do. I'll take her to my room and then make 
some excuse to go home for the night. Then when no one is looking, I'll 
take baby away and we can soon find a place for her. 

DEN. — It's roight smart ye are! But hurry now, some wan may be 
coming. 

JANE — i (Exit R. C. hugging and kissing baby) Mama's precious darling! 
Just too sweet for anything! (Etc. Etc.) 

BUF. — (Enter L. 1) Say, pardner, where did the Perfesser go? 

DEN. — I don't know, sor. 

BUF. — It's kind of slow a hanging around here. I wanted to know if 
there wasn't some back way fer a feller to get out Without bein seen. 

DEN. — I don't know that ather, sor. (Aside) I wish I did. 

RICH.— (Gives Indian yell off R. C.) 

BUF. — (Down L. grabs gun from holster) Injuns, by thunder! (Stand 
ready to shoot) 

RICH.— (Yells again) 

DEN. — (Alarmed, aside) Maybe it's the bummy a comin back. 

RICH. — (Appears at door R. C. with arms folded. Wears Indian war 

23 






bonnet and has bright colored blanket wrapped around him. Has tomahawk 
in R hand) How! 

DEN. — (Teeth chattering with fright) Hel-lo! (Pause) How are ye! 

RICH. — Me Indian Chief. Once live in Egypt. Me come to life. Very 

happy. Me do war dance. (Dances in circle about stage, Indian fashion) 

Hi-yi! Hi-yi! (Ad lib., suddenly at L. U. before Den. draws tomahawk 

from under blanket) 

DEN.-^( Falls on knees) 

RICH. — (Raises tomahawk over Den's head) Me kill! Ugh! 
DEN. — Plaze don't sor. Think of me woife and baby. 

BUF. — (Aside) I'd shoot the cuss if it wasn't for spoiling the carpet. 
Me to cover! (Hides in box) 

RICH. — (Swings tomahawk over Den's head) Me kill all! (Dances 
about stage then exits R. C. Gives Indian yell off R. C.) 

DEN. — (When all is quiet, staggers to his feet) If I wait till he comes 
back, I'll never live to git out of here, that's sure. (Starts R. C. but stops 
when he hears others speaking) 

BUF. — (Raises lid to get out. Hears the voices and listens intently) 

PROF.-MRS.-GIRLS— (Off R. 1), talking ad lib.) 

MRS. — Impossible, Hezekiah, impossible! 

PROF. — ]Slo, my dear, it is true. 

MRS. — There is some mistake. 

PROF. — There can be no mistake. 

GIRLS — (Ad lib) Show it to us. Let us see it. It must be cute. (Etc., 
all talking at once) 

PROF.— (Ente. R. 1) Then I will show you the proof. 

MRS. — (Enter R. 1, talking among themselves and expressing their 
doubts) 

BUF. — More injuns! Good night! (Drops lid). 

DEN. — (Hesitatingly comes forward) Mister Green, yer bummy has come 
to loife. 

PROF. — (Smiling as he X to box) I'm aware of the fact, Dennis. Our 
great experiment was successful! (X. to L. end of box) Now, Mary — chil- 
dren — come up close and I will show you the proof of my Elixir of Life. 

MRS.-GIRLS— (Very doubtful and disgusted, X to box) 

MRS.— (At L. end of box with Prof.) 

MAR.-GERT — (At R. end of box) 

GLAD. — (Stands down R. smiling knowingly) 

PROF. — (Very pompously) In this box one hour ago lay the body of 
a man — a man who had been dead for five thousand years — he was a king— 
a Pharoah of Egypt. 

MRS. — (Impatiently) Come to the point! We've heard all that before! 

PROF.— I gave him the Elixir of Life— 

RICH.— (Gives Indian yell off R. C.) 

MAR.-GERT.— (Seize one another in fright) What's that? 

PROF. — (Alarmed) I really don't know. 

GLAD. — (Aside) He'll soon find out. 

MRS. — (Sarcastically) Probably another patient and a crazy one at that! 

DEN. — (Takes sneaking look out door R. C.) Look out! Look out! It's 
the bimmy! (Hides behind screen and looks out) He got away and now 
he's a coming back! 

PROF.— (Absent mindedly) It can't be! He can't walk! Why, he's 
only a child — a mere babe (Stoops to open box) 

RICH. — (Enter R. C. with a rush and does his war dance around box) 

PROF.-MRS. — (Crowd up against desk in terror) 

MRS. — Merciful heavens! 

MAR.-GERT.— (Hide back of settee) 

24 



GLAD. — (Slyly pretends to be frightened) 

RIOH. — (After dancing around box a couple of times, keeping up his hi- 
yi! Hi-yi! Etc., jumps on top of box) Me no Pharoah. Me Indian Chief. 
Come to life. White man's dope make trouble. Wake bad Indian. Me kill 
him! Me kill (Does war dance on box) Ugh! Me on warpath! (Jumps 
from box and dances to door E. C.) Me come back. Me kill! Ugh! (Exit 
R. C, gives Indian yell off R. C.) 

PROF. — (After pause, relieved) That was not the mummy. Don't be 
deceived. It was only a poor demented Indian, probably escaped from some 
vaudeville theatre. The baby Pharoah is still in his case. (Opens box) 
And here he is! 

BUF. — (Rises to knees and grins sheepishly) Howdy! 

PROF. — (Collapses in Mrs. arms) 

MAT.— (Enter R. C, stand at door) 

DEN. — (Comes from behind screen and sees Buf.) Fer the love of Mike! 

MAR.-GERT.— A cowboy! 

MAT. — (Rushes forward and throws arms about Buf's. neck) My hero 
from Arizona! (Giggles) Oh, you darling man! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 
ACT in. 

Same scene as ACT I., with mummy box removed. 

PROF. — (Discovered at desk looking grouchy) 

BUF. — (Discovered at door R. C. just going out, turns to Prof.) There 
ain't no use feeling sore about it, pardner. I meant no harm. I didn't 
want to shoot up the place and so got away from that crazy redskin the 
easiest way by hiding in the box. Injuns don't like us cowpunchers nohow, 
and that was the best way of saving trouble. 

PROF. — That's all very well and good, but what became of the infant 
Pharoah I left in the mummy box? What became of him? 

BUF. — I can't tell you, pardner. All I do know is that he want in there 
when I jumped in. I'd swear to that. 

PROF. — It's a good thing he wasn't in there. But it's all very strange. 
I can't bear to think of him in the hands of strangers'' or perhaps in a 
foundlings' home. Think of a Pharoah in a foundlings' home! (With hand 
to forehead) Oh, it's too terrible! 

BUF. — I spect that would be tough. But, pardner, I'm not to blame, so 
just go ahead and fix up my side kick and later on I'll add another hun- 
dred to them other four I promised you. (X to Prof.) Shake, pardner, 
fergive and fergit. (Extends hand) 

PROF. — (Rises and reluctantly shakes hands) It's all right, Mr. Pete, 
but as a special favor to me, would you mind keeping an eye open for any 
suspicious looking babies you may meet? 

BUF.— (Crossing to door R. C.) I'll do that sure! Ain't nothing I 
wouldn't do for you. 

PROF. — You are very kind. And if you see Miss Hawkins, you can tell 
her to call in about an hour. (Sit at desk) 

BUF. — (Smiling) Dee-lighted to! Guess I'll go out now and see if I can 
find a little Tangle-Foot. So long! (Wave hand to Prof.) 

PROF.— Good day. 

BUF.— (Exit R. C.) 

PROF. — Why is it that troubles never come singly but in legions? First 
my family object to everything connected with the Elixir of Life, then when 
I really bring Pharoah to life — why — why — he disappears and Mary and 
the children think I am Having delusions. Oh, it's almost too much for 
mortal man to bear! (Bows head on desk) 

MRS.-RICH. -GIRLS— (Enter R. 1 and stand down R) 

25 



MRS. — (Aside to them) There he is — asleep! 

RICH. — (Aside to Glad.) My Indian escapade hasn't frightened him 
much. 

GLAD. — '(To Rich.) No, he'll never give up the Elixir, no matter what 
happens. 

MRS.— (Sharply) Hezekiah! 

PROF. — (Pays no attention) 

MRS.— ( Louder ) Hezekiah ! ! 

PROF. — (Without raising head) Yes, Mary. 

MRS. — We have come for a final answer. 

PROF. — (Slowly raising head) On what, my dear? 

RICH.— (Quickly) On this confounded Elixir of Life! 

MRS. — (Sternly) How much longer is this ridiculous experimenting to 
go on? 

RICH.— TOM-FOOLERY, you mean. 

ME3— Tnat IS the better word. 

GLAD. — You have done nothing but disgrace us the past twenty-four 
hours. (Almost in tears) I don't see how you could do it. 

MAR.-GERT— It's simply awful! 

PROF.— (Protesting) But' my dears— 

MRS. — Not a word! You will now have to choose between your beloved 
Elixir of Life and your family. Which do you prefer to keep? 

PROF. — (With grieved surprise, partly rises) You don't mean that — 

RICH. — Yes, we do mean it! You won't listen to reason and WE won't 
stand for this foolishness. 

PROF. — (Pathetically) Richard — Mary — (Sinks back, burying head in 
hands) Oh, this is too much! Too much! (Shakes with weeping) 

MAR. — (Hesitates a moment, then suddenly X to Prof.) There, papa, 
don't feel so badly. (Pet him) I can't bear to see you cry. May be we 
ARE mistaken after all. 

MRS.-RICH.-GLAD.— Marie ! 

MAR. — No matter what comes, papa, I'll stand by you. 

GERT. — (X to Prof.) And me, too! (Almost crying) I -just can't 
stand to see you abused this way. 

MRS. — (Aside to Rich, and Glad.) Did you ever? 

RICH.— (Aside) That fixes things fine! 

GLAD. — ( Aside) We can't do anything now! 

DEN. — (Enter R. C, hesitates) Mister Green. 

PROF.— (Looking up) Well, Dennis? 

MRS.— (To Den.) You back again! 

DEN. — (Pays no attention to Mrs.) That actor feller is downstairs a 
talkin to Mr. Buffalo. 

PROF. — Tell him to come up at once. I have some wonderful news for 
him. 

MRS. — (Aside) Humph! He's the one who caused all the trouble. 

DEN. — (Looking out door R. C.) He's coming now, sor, an a high step- 
pin loidy with him. 

CIC.-MAD ALINE — (Enter R. C. Madaline is flashily dressed, large pic- 
ture nat, parasol, etc. Extremely majestic in all her actions) 

CIC. — (Quickly X to Prof.) Ah, my dear Professor! (Shakes hands, 
looks about) I beg pardon. Do we intrude? 

DEN.— (Exit R. C.) 

PROF. — Not at all, not at all. Glad to see you! 

CIC. — Professor Green, my wife, Miss Spotleight. (Profound bow) 

MRS. — (Aside) Miss Spotleight! And his wife! Humph! 

MAD. — (Majestically X to Prof, with hand aloft. In affected voice) Ah, 
Professor Green. So charmed to meet you! 

$6 



PROF. — (Reaches up and shakes her hand) Pleased to meet you, Misa 
Spotleight. (Introducing her) Miss Spotleight, Mrs. Green. 

MAD. — (Bowing) I have heard my husband speak of you, Mrs. Green. 
So very pleased to meet you. 

MRS.— (Bows, coldly) MRS. DE RHODES. 

PROF.— And this is my son, Richard, and my. three daughters. 

ALL — (Acknowledge introduction) 

PROF. — Mr. de Rhodes, my daughters and son. 

ALL— (Bow) 

PROF.— And Mrs. Green, Mr. de Rhodes. 

CIC. — (Bows very low) Mrs. Green. 

MRS.— <( Barely nods) 

CIC. — (Looks as though afraid and would like to run) 

PROF. — I believe you have met Mrs. Green before. 

CIC. — (Half aside) Methinks I have. (Pause) Professor Green, we are 
come to endeavor a repurchase of my old friend Pharoah. 

PROF. — (Starts) I am very sorry, but I cannot sell him just now. 

CIC. — But we have need of him, sir. Aye, we must have him. 

PROF.— (Shakes head sadly) 

MAD. — (Speaks rapidly) Yes, Professor Green, once more Dame For- 
tune has smiled upon us. We have a gentleman friend who is deeply in- 
terested in the Higher Drama and wishes to elevate the public taste by 
financing our great dramatic achievement, "A Daughter of Egypt," and 
poor Pharoah is so very essential, you know. 

PROF. — (Absent mindedly) I suppose so. 

MAD. — (Not heeding Prof.) Our new friend had money to burn, so to 
speak, and will stop at no expense to make our attraction a wonderful 
success. 

CIC. — Miss Spotleight has stated the facts with exactness. We offer you 
one thousand dollars for Pharoah and good usury on the money you in- 
vested. 

PROF. — (Sadly shakes head) I am very, very sorry — 

CIC. — We will make it fifteen hundred! 

PROF.— (Shake head) No. 

CIC. — Two thousand dollars! 

PROF. — I cannot take it, sir. 

CIC— Three thousand! 

RICH.— (Groans) Worse yet! 

GLAD. — (Gasps and covers face fith hands) Oh! 

MRS. — (Aside) That will pay off the mortgage! (Aloud) Sell, Heze- 
kiah, sell! 

MAR.-GERT.— Yes, papa, sell! 

PROF.— (In despair) But I can't sell! 

MAD. — Can't? Not even for five thousand? 

RICH. — (Aside) Wow! (Groans aside) Get the axe! 

PROF. — It's no use to deceive you longer. The mummy has come to life! 

CIC. — (Surprised, raises eyebrows and whistles) Is't so? 

PROF. — (Jubilantly) Yes, my great experiment was successful. 

MAD. — Impossible! Impossible! 

PROF.— I swear it is the truth!, 

MAD. — Then we are lost! Lost (Cover face with hands and weeps on 
Cic's. shoulder) 

CIC. — (Soothing her) There, there, fair one, weep not. (Suddenly) A 
j mummy come to life! Ah, that will be the greatest vaudeville act of the 
age! A great headliner! Filthy lucre is as nothing when compared with 
art. Ten thousand is yours for a thirty weeks' engagement! 

RICH. — (Aside) And we burned him in the furnace! (Collapses) 

27 



PROF. — Not if you offered me a million! He's gone — lost — strayed or 
stolen! The infant Pharoah mysteriously disappeared soon after I saw 
him. (Sadly) Perhaps we shall never find him again. 

MAD. — (Excitedly) But we must find him! It means a fortune to us 
all! 

CIC. — And the loss to dramatic art would be immeasurable! Aye! We 
must find him even if we have to go to the eternal depths of — 

BUF. — (Appears R. C. out of breath, carrying baby") Pardner, is this the 
kid Pharoah? 

PROF. — (Rushes to Buf., takes baby and comes C;, looking at it) It is! 
It is! Oh, how thankful I am! 

ALL — (Interested in baby) 

JANE— (Cries loudly off R. C.) 

BUF. — That sounds like the gal I took the kid from. (X towards R. C.) 
She sure made some fight. (Looks out R. C.) 

PROF. — Sne had no right to steal Pharoah. I'm glad you got him away 
from her and brought him back. 

BUF. — Here she comes! (Dodges behind" screen ) 

DEN.-JANE — (Enter R. C. Jane is weeping and Den is comforting her) 

DEN. — There, now, darlint, don't cry. Sure it must all be a mistake. 
I'll get her back again, see if I don't (Leaves Jane R. C. and X to Prof.) 
Mister Green, plaze kin we have our baby back? 

PROF.— (In great surprise) YOUR baby? 

JANE — (Tearfully) Yes, sir, our baby. 

MRS. — Are you married? 

JANE — (Nods, hangs head) Yes, ma'am. 

MRS.— Ti Dennis? 

JANE — (Nods without looking up) Yes, ma'am. 

DEN. — Sure! An we're not ashamed of it nather. 

MRS. — jAnd this is your baby? 

DEN. — Faith, and don't it look like me? 

MRS. — Then you are both discharged! 

DEN. — Oil roight. I don't like me job anyway. 

JAiNiE — I'll be glad to go, ma'am, when I get baby back. 

PROF. — But this is NOT your baby. It's a Pharoah come to life. 

DEN. — I think I kin explain. I came back here and found the mummy 
gone an jist thin Maggie O'Reilly brought our little baby here, but we 
didn't want ye to know we was married, so whin I heard the missus comin, 
I hid our little darlint in the big box. Thin we got her out and tried to 
git her away without bein seen. Jist when we got to the strate, Mr. Buf- 
falo comes along and kidnaps the baby and brings it here again. Please 
won't ye give her to us, Mistre Green? 

PROF. — I see it quite plainly now. I came in and found the baby before 
you got it away. 

DEN. — That must have been the way, sor. 

PROF.— (Looking at baby) I thought when I first saw it that I saw a 
resemblance to you. Are you sure the baby is yours? 

DEN. — Of course I am. 

PROF. — Is there anything you can identify it by? 

DEN. — Nothing but its face, sor. Ain't that enough? 

PROF. — (Looking at baby) Yes, I can see plainly now that its features 
are Irish and not Egyptian. ( Gives baby to Den. ) Take it and welcome. 

DEN. — Thank ye, sor. (Takes baby and gives it to Jane) 

JANE — (X up C with Den., kissing baby) Our own darling! Mother 
will never leave you again! (Etc.) 

MAR.-GERT.— ( Admire baby ) 

28 






PROF. — (With puzzled look) I cannot understand yet what became of 
Pharoah. 

RICH. — (Disgusted with himself) Oh, I may as well fess up. I — I— 
burned him in the furnace. 

PROF. — Richard! It can't be true! Say it isn't true! 

MRS. — (Surprised) Oh, how could you! Worth ten thousand dollars! 

PROF. — All our great experiment come to naught! (Sink into chair) 

MAD. — All our hopes shattered! (Weeps on Cic's shoulder) Oh, this is 
worse and worse! 

CIC. — Horrible! My fair one, most horrible! 

RICH. — Yes, I burned the mummy and then made a fool of myself here 
as an Indian come to life. Thought I could cure father of his hobby. It's 
all gone dead wrong! Do what you will with me, I deserve it. All I can 
do is to say I'm sorry. 

PROF. — Not as sorry as I am, Richard. (Shakes head) 

MAT. — (Bustles in R. C. Giggles) Here I am, Perfesser, for my treat- 
ment. (See others and stops in confusion) 

PROF. — (i/rops head in hands) There will be no more treatments today. 

MAT. — (Very much surprised) What? 

MRS.— Really! 

GLAD.— I'm glad to' hear it! 

MAT. — (Sadly) Then my prospects are ruined, all ruined. ' 

BUF. — (Comes from behind screen and X to Mat.) No, they ain't, little 
one. 

MAT. — (Giggles) You really want me just as I am? 

BUF. — You bet I do, gal! I'll take you back to Arizona jest as you are. 

MAT. — (Giggles and throws herself into his arms) Oh, Buffie! 

JNOTE — (All lights out for a few moments. All but Prof, gets off stage. 
Wnen lights come on, Prof, is discovered asleep in his chair. If this light 
effect cannot be used, it will be necessary to have this last ACT in two 
scenes. In that case be sure to announce on programs that there will be no 
wait between these two scenes.) 

PROF. — (Snores several times) 

JANE — (Appears at door R. C.) Professor! 

PROF. — (Snores on, paying no attention) 

JANE — Professor! (Pause, then X to Prof, and shakes him gently) 
Professor! (Pause, then stoop close and shout) Professor! 

PROF. — (Wakes with a start) Did you call me Jane? 

JANE — Yes, sir. Mrs. Green said to tell you it was time for your class 
at tne college. 

PROF. — (Quickly looks at watch) Why, so it is! Get me my hat 
(Gather up papers from desk) 

JANE — Yes, sir. (Gets his hat) 

PROF. — (Rises and meets Jane) It's fortunate you called me in time.' 

JANE— (Hands hat to Prof. 

PROF.— -(Takes hat) Thank you. (Putting on hat and adjusting 
glasses) I am to deliver an important lecture on "Egyptian Mummies" 
today. (Crosses to door R. C-, turns to Jane) I wouldn't miss giving that 
lecture for worlds. Anyway, I am glad you had to call me for I was hav- 
ing a frightful dream. (Holds up warning finger) Jane, if you value your 
peace of mind, either sleeping or waking, never indulge in one of those 
dreadful Welsh Rarebits. 

JANF4—N0, sir; I won't. 

PROF.— (Exit R. C.) 

JANE — (Pause a moment) I wonder what he could have dreamed? 

QUICK CURTAIN. 
(End of the Play). 



MR. MERCHANT OF VENICE 

By Harry L. Dixson. (Copyrighted) 



CAST 



Silas Merchant or ''Slyfox," a store keeper in Venice. 

Will Jones, who has earned the name of, "Brassy". 

Tom Edgerton, almost a kidnapper. 

Harry Ketchem, always ready. 

Dick Hartly, belongs to the push. 

Cholly Edgemond, has no heart. 

Paul Pertly, young but wise. 

George Washington Jackson, Foxina's champion. 

Count de Chumpy, a Frenchman — perhaps. 

Earl of Deadhroke, just English, thats all. 

Justice White, runs the law. 

Policeman O'Kouke, one of the bravest. 

Lawyer Snyder, anything for money. 

Portia Pertly, hates Shakespeare. 

Foxina Merchant, she would elope. 

Okissa Sweetser, Portia's friend. 

Mrs. Pertly, Portia's mother. 

Minnie Pertly, young but wise. 

Flossy Koseton, just the dearest girl. 

Barbara Truesdale, belongs to the push. 

Pearlina Diamond, a jewel. 

Fratina Gay, always in society. 

Jane Walters, just one of the girls. 

Bridget O'Dowd, always busy. 

Prof. Ex. Bay, very learned. 

SYNOPSIS. 

ACT 1 — Woods near Venice. Friday afternoon. The picnic. 

ACT II — Street in Venice. Early evening a few days later. The elopement. 

ACT III — Boom in the Pertly mansion. Same evening. A double engage- 
ment. 

ACT IV — A court room. One week later. They all get what they deserve. 
Place; Venice, somewhere in the U. S. Time: Any time. 
NOTE — The above cast numbers 13 boys and 12 girls. Play Paul as 

Paulina and change a few lines and the cast will be 12 boys and 13 girls. 
For a east of 7 boys and 6 girls — cut Fratina, Flossy and Jane entirely 

and give their lines to others. Pearlina doubles Bridget and Prof. Ex. Kay. 

Barbara doubles Mrs. Pertly. Flossy and Pearlina are cut out of last ACT. 

Give the Justice a few lines to open scene. Bridget's lines in the last ACT 

will have to 'be cut. Tom doubles the Count. Dick doubles Earl and lawyer — 

give his lines in last Act to one of the girls. Harry is cut out entirely— 

give his lines to others. Will doubles the Justice. George doubles Police — 

being cut out of last ACT. 

For 6" boys and 6 girls, play Paul as Paulina and change lines. Play 

other characters as above. 

Any intermediate easts can be used. May be well to use a few pupils 

from the school to make the last ACT more realistic. 



PKOPEETIES. 

ACT I — Two stumps — Two white tableclothes or one long one — Lunch 
baskets with lunch — Bottle of olives — Knives, forks, dishes, etc. — 
Large law book. 

ACT II — Two benches — Hammocks, tennis outfits, etc. — Old lantern — Sev- 
eral small stones or gravel — Step ladder — Large number of bundles and 
'boxes — Small dog — Long rope — Auto horn — Large, red gasoline can — 
String. 

ACT III — Hall tree — Two couches — Two tables — Eocking chair — Three 
fancy chairs — Easel with large draped picture — Door bell — Tap bell — 
Guitar — Sewing materials — Photograph album — The three caskets. 

ACT IV — 'Platform — Three tables — Several common chairs — Several big law 
books — Legal papers — Broom — Old maps, etc. — X Bay camera — Two 
large sheets of white paper or card board, two red hearts painted, on one. 

COSTUMES. 

Silas Merchant — Old black suit and hat, long wig and, beard, hooked nose. 

Carries cane. Is stooped shouldered. 
Paul — Dressed as a small boy. 

George — Negro make up, very dilapidated in last ACT. 
Count — Dapper, little Frenchman, dark coat, light trousers, silk hat, black 

moustache and goatee. 
Earl — Loud English walking suit, carries cane. 
Justice — Bube farmer make up. 
Police — Uniform, red wig and whiskers. 
Lawyer — Business suit. 
Boys — 'School clothes according to scene. 
Portia — Up to date wardrobe. 

Mrs. Pertly — Bichly dressed but in bad taste. (Stout.) 
Minnie — Dressed as small girl. 

Bridget — Work dress, hair in hard knot. Loud dress and hat in Last ACT. 
Prof. — Mannish dress. 
Foxina — Neat school dress. Big hat, auto veil, somewhat the worse for wear 

in last ACT. 
Girls — School dresses according to scene. 









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Scene: — Woods near the Venice High School. 

(Laughter and chatter in the distance — louder as they enter B. U., 
Flossy, Pearlina, Fratina, Jane and Tom in first group. Then Barbara, Dick 



and Harry. Cholly straggles in last and lies down E. The boys carry 
lunch baskets. Lights full up. Time: Afternoon. 

FLOS. — (Looking about) Oh, this is a nice place! Isn't the shade lovely? 
(Sit). 

FRAT. — I thought we were going down by the river to eat our lunch. Its 
nicer down there. 

TOM.— Oh, lets camp here. 

PEAK — Ditto, say I — its plenty good enough for me. 

HAR. — (Has two big baskets) Yes. I charge extra for draying outside of 
the city limits. (Have all the dishes in Harry's basket). 
BAR. — Why, for pity sakes are you carrying two baskets? 
HAR. — I can positively answer in the affirmative. (Sets baskets down 
and wipes forehead) Here's where I stick. 

FRAT. — Oh, well, don't suppose it makes any difference, anyway, so fly 
round everybody and get things ready. 

JANE. — I've got the table cloths in my basket. (Takes them from basket 
Harry was carrying). 

TOM. — What do you folks want to do with so much style? Cant a fellow 
eat out of his mitt? 

FLOS. — Can, if you want to, I suppose. 
ALL. — (Busy except Cholly.) 

JANE. — (After pause) Did anyone bring any knives? 
BAR. — I have some — not enough to go round though. 
DICK. — I'll share with some one. 
PEAR. — All right, Dick, we'll share up. 

TOM. — (Eating piece of cake) Dont mind me when fixins is scarce. 
FRAT.— Oh, Tom. 

HAR. — 'Here, Cholly, get busy. Dont shirk your duty, old man. 
CHOL. — I dont feel like a picnic today. 
FRAT.— Dont you feel well? 
JANE.— Whats the matter? 

ICHOL. — (Turning away) Got the blues, thats all. Feel as though I was 
indigo clear through. 

TOM.— Sort of a living "Wiggle-stick," eh? 
CHOL. — Just about that. 

TOM. — Cast your glims on this "Feed" and forget. 
CHOL. — Its no use. 

DICK. — (Comes down to Choi.) Well, what in time makes you so blue? 
CHOL. — I'm dead broke and in debt again to old Slyfox, confound his 
Sheenv hide! 

HAR.— Is that all? 

CHOL. — Isnt that enough? Somehow I just cant keep out of his clutches. 
DICK. — We're all in the same boat. Dont worry. 
HAR. — Yes, we are all up against it, so whats the use. 
CHOL. — It worries me, though. 

BAR. — For pity sakes, boys, forget all about this money and hard times 
and lets get at the lunch. 
JANE.— Yes, lets eat. 

PEAR. — Dont spoil a good thing by thinking about our troubles, come to 
lunch. 

HAR. — Say, we got things ready in a hurry, didnt we? Everybody fall to! 

BAR.— Dont fall too hard. 

DICK. — Not enough to go round, eh? 

JANE. — Just wait and see. 

FLOS. — It isn't polite to be in a hurry when you eat, you know. 

FRAT. — But where is Portia? She was coming, Wasn't she? 



PEAE. — She told me to stop for her. But when I called, her mother said 
she hadnt been home since dinner. 

BAB. — Oh, I suspect she is iat that afternoon class in Astronomy. 

JANE. — Or off walking with some of the boys. 

DICK. — Well, if she is, its Brassy Jones. 

FLOS.- — I admire the way Portia alternates business with pleasure. 

JANE. — No one can beat her when it comes to that. 

TOM. — Ah, come on and lets feed our faces. We'll leave enough for 
Portia. 

'OHOL. — (Looks at watch) I cant wait much longer, got some work to do 
at the Lab. 

BAR. — Then lets begin. 

ALL. — (Sit around spread). 

PEAR. — (Listening) Hush! 

TOM.— Fas ist? 

PORTIA.— (Calls from distance) Girls! Girls! Pearlina! 

PEAR. — I knew I heard someone. It must be Portia. (Rises, calls off R) 
Here we are! (Exits quickly R. U.) 

JANE. — I'm sure its Portia — sounded just like her voice. 

HAR.— (Calls loudly off R) Hello! Ship ahoy! 

FEAT. — (Calls) Portia, here we are! 

FLOS. — 'Wonder how she found us so quickly? 

BAR. — Made a good look for us, I suppose. 

POETIA-PEAE.— (Enter E. U. Portia carries large law book) 

TOM.— Hello, Portia! 

ALL. — Hello! Just in time! Glad you found us! Etc., ad lib. 

POE. — Howdy, everybody! (Stands looking at the spread) 

PEAE. — 'Portia has been looking for us for an hour. 

FEAT. — She has? I didn't think we were so hard to find as all that. 

FLOS. — {Seated up stage) Sit down here by me. 

JANE. — You must ibe all tired out. 

DICK. — Better sit by me. I'll feed you if you are tired. 

HAE. — Fall to and eat the grub — its good. 

BAE. — You better hurry or the boys will have it all eaten up. 

FLOS. — Come sit down. 

POE. — (Sits by Flossy. Sighs as she drops book beside her) Oh, folkses, 
I'm so blue, I'm all most tempted to drink a glass of city water and end 
it all 

TOM. — Better make it two and give Cholly one. 

PEAE. — '(Seated by Portia, to her) Why, what's the matter, dearie? 

FLOS. — -(Offers olive) Have an olive, do. 

POE.— (Shake head). 

JANE.— (Offers pickle) Nor a pickle? 

POE.— (Shakes head). 

FLOS. — She wont even have an olive nor a pickle! 

DICK. — Oh, mercy! It must be something terribly dreadful! 

FEAT. — 'Perhaps she has flunked in History Class. 

BAE. — Please have some lunch, Portia. 

POE.— (Shakes head). 

FLOS. — (Puts arm around Portia) Tell us all about it, Honey. 

ALL. — Yes, indeed! Spiel her out! Etc., Etc. 

POE. — I think I can trust you folks so I'll confide in you. You know that 
poor, dear Pa patented a kind of automobile called the "Sneeze Cart" and 
made a million. 

ALL. — (Eagerly) Yes! 

4 



POR. — One day when poor Pa was speeding around the city square, the 
"Sneeze Cart" swerved and he was dashed to the ground. The machine ran 
around and around the square and it ran over poor Pa fifteen times before 
he was rescued. They carried him into the drug store and an officer was 
sent for to arrest him for driving faster than the speed limit set Iby the city 
ordinance. Fortunately before the officer arrived poor Pa died. We still 
have the medal given Pa, post-mortem, by the Auto Club, for violating the 
"Speed ordinance" without arrest. The doctor said that Pa had suffered 
with wheels on, his brain for a long time and that's why the Sneeze Cart 
killed him so easily. (Weeps). 

TOM.— Gee, that's tough! 

FLOS. — Poor dear! Cry on me. (Draws Por. to her) 

POR. — Then we knew why Pa was such a crank on Shakespeare. It was 
he who named me "Portia" and had me take a Correspondence Course in 
Law. I'm really a Bachelor Girl at Law. 

FLOS.— Doesn't that sound lovely? 

DICK.— Does it cost much? 

PEAR. — Wish I could be called that. 

POR. — Yes, I know all about law now. Why, I could even probate, poor, 
dear Pa's will. 

FRAT — Oh, do tell us about that will! 

JANE. — We've only heard rumors so far. 

HAR. — And you know how on the bum some rumors can be. 

BAR. — We are all just dying to hear about it. 

POR. — Well, poor, dear Pa left a generous legacy to have his name en- 
graved on Public Libraries, also one to prove that Shakespeare wrote Shake- 
speare. • He left a large fortune to Mamma and the Twins and the residue 
of his property, a colosal fortune, was left to me. But only on the condi- 
tion (slowly and pronounced) that I marry the suitor who shall choose of 
three caskets, the one poor, dear Pa meant to have him choose. One is gold, 
one is silver, and one is lead. 

HAR. — Your Dad did the Shakespeare act up brown, didn't he? 

BAR. — And you must follow out the scheme inspite of everything? 

POR. — It was poor, dear Pa's wish and it shall ibe fulfilled (Determined- 
ly) even if I have to marry a Prof. 

PEAR. — Of course Prof. wont miss that chance. 

POR.-— (Resignedly) I suppose not. 

DICK.— You bet he wont. 

JANE. — I don't blame him. 

FLOS. — And don't you know which of those caskets is the right one? 

POR. — Oh, yes. So many have chosen and they have always missed the one 
so I know it must be it. 

JANE. — Well then, when the right suitor comes along, just drop a gentle 
hint. 

POR. — I am solemnly bound by the terms of the will not to divulge the 
secret and besides there isn't any right one. That's the whole trouble. 
They all bore me to death. 

FLOS. — I think the Count de Chumpy is swell! 

FRAT. — And so romantic! 

JANE. — He's French, you know. 

TOM. — Nothing but a French dude. 

PEAR. — Father says his title is .good. He's a really Count. 

BAR. — And he dont need money, either — so father says. 

POR. — He has no title to anything but his name and I'm not sure he has 
even that. 

BAR. — But there's the Earl of Deadbroke. Think of a real Earl! 



PEAE. — And so English, too! 
POK.— A real fool! 

PEAT. — But you dont have to look among foreigners. All the swell boys 
in school simply adore you. Dont you boys? 

TOM. — Thats whatever! 

DICK.— Why sure! Dont we, Cholly? 

CHOL.— Ye-es. 

POE. — Simply adore my money. 

JANE. — Nonsense ! 

BAE. — (Teasing) Whats become of Brassy Jones lately? Dont you 
think he's all right? 

POE. — Brassy is a dear ! I thought the world of him but he has given 
me the icy mitt. (Grows pensive). 

PEAE. — He does seem awfully downhearted lately. All the boys are 
because they are in debt to old Slyfox. 

JANE. — Its just awful the way he expects the boys to pay their debts. 

CHOL.— (Exit E. IT.) 

DICK. — He's a hard one all right. 

FLOS. — Isnt he horrid, though! I dont see how he can have such a lovely 
daughter as Foxina is. 

DICK. — Ask Tom about that. 

TOM. — Aw, go on! 

PEAE. — And she doesnt like the way her father does either. Does she, 
Tom? 

TOM.— Never asked her. 
I JANE. — She doesn't say much about it but one can see by the way she 
1 helps the boys out that she doesnt like the old skin-flints ways. 

FEAT. — It must be awful just to have to live in the same house with him. 

JANE. — I wouldnt blame her if she ran away. 

HAE. — And Tom would be the hero and carry her off. (Laughs.) 

FLOiS. — He wouldn't let her come to this picnic, the' old crank! 

BAE. — And he's so hard on the boys who owe him money. He doesnt 
seem to realize that its expensive being a man. Just think of barber's bills, 
and laundry bills, to say nothing of necessities, like tobacco. 

PAUL-MINNIE.— (Enter E. IT., on the run and out of breath.) 

PAUL. — (At C, in gasps) Say, Port — Okissa's — lookin — fer — you. 

MIN. — (In gasps) Shes — a — comin — here. We — knowed — we'd — find you. 

PAUL. — Yes — an — another guy's up — to the house — a talkin to Ma — bout 
i them caskets. 

POE. — (Eeprovingly) Never mind. Never mind. 

MIN. — But he aint no good. Looks just like er feriegner. (Goes to basket 
t i and stirs it up.) 

POE. — Minnie, what are you trying to do? (Takes her away) That isnt 
) your basket. 

MIN. — Looks at spread and whines) I want an olive! 

POE. — Not now, dear, thats a good girl. 

MIN. — (Stamps foot) I want one, I tell you! 

PAUL. — And me, too! 
• FLOS. — {Taking olive botle) Here, I'll give you one. 

PAUL. — (Crowding in) Me first! I'm bigger'n she is! (Grabs bottle) I 
i kin git 'em out quick. (Starts to pour olives out.) 

1 POE. — (Taking bottle from Paul) For pity sakes, Paul, dont you know 
better than that? 

PAUL. — Aw, go on! You're too nice! 

POE, — You talk like that and I wont give you any. 

6 



MEN".— (Crying) I want an olive! I want an olive! (Shouts) I want an 
olive! 

PAUL. — Aw, shut up! You're always cryin and spoilin things. 

POE. — (Thoroughly put out) Oh, you pesky twins, you're always making 
trouble. (Gives each an olive) Take these and keep quiet. 

MIN.— Mine's bigger'n yours, Paul, almost twict as big! (Grins at Paul). 

PAUL. — Taint nuther. (Compares them) Say, Port, youse gave Minnie 
the biggest. Taint fair! She's smaller'n me! (Cries). 

POE.— *(At her wits end) Oh, folks, dont you think the Pertly twins are 
lovely? 

PEAT.— (Aside) Delightful! 

BAE. — Give them another one a piece — a big one to Paul and a small one 
to Minnie. That will make them even. 

TOM.— (Aside) And spank them both. 

POE. — Most anything to stop their awful racket. (Gives each an olive.) 

PAUL. — Bet I kin eat mine quicker'n you kin. 

MIN. — No you cant! 

MIN. -PAUL.— (Put the olives in their mouths.) 

PAUL. — (Chokes and jumps about.) 

MIN.— (Laughs) Oh, Port! Dont Paul look funny? He's tryin to swallow 
'em fboth to onct. 

POE. — (Euns to Paul and thumps him on back. Olives fly out) Are you 
trying to kill yourself? 

PAUL.— (Eegains breath, begins to cry) Now you've spiled 'em — they're 
-all dirt now! 

MIN. — (Jumps about claps hand) Hurrah! Hurrah! I beat! I beat! 

PAUL. — I didnt have a fair chanct. No wonder youse beat. 

MIN. — Yes you did. 

PAUL.— (Shows fight.) 

POE. — There, children do run along. 

PAUL. — I want two more olives! 

HAE. — Give 'em the whole bottle. 

OKISSA.— (Enters E. U.) 

POE.— Why, here's Okissa, now! (Goes to Okissa) The Twins said you 
were coming but they've been having another tantram and I c*ouldnt go to 
meet you. 

PAUL.— I found her first! 

MIN.— No you didnt! I told Port she'd be here. 

PAUL. — Dont make no difference! I got here first! 

MIN.— Yes, but you didn't find her first! 

OK.— (Laughing) Well, you all found me at last, didn't you? 

POE. — (Giving Paul and Min., money) Here, children, is a penny for 
each of you. Eun down town to and get some candy. 

PAUL-MIN.— (Grab the pennies.) 

PAUL.— (Eunning E. U.,) I'll beat down there! 

MIN. — (Eunning E. U.) No you wont! 

PAUL-MIN.— (Exuent E U., on the run). 

PAUL. — (In distance) Taint fair to run across lots! 

POE. — (Sigh of relief) Oh dear, in all this confusion I forgot Okissa. 
Guess you know all the folks. 

OK.— Yes, I think I have met everybody — but forgive me if I dont call 
you all by your right names. 

DICK. — We dont stand much on ceremony. 

TOM. — Pall to and have some lunch. 

OK.— (Sits by Por.) 

POE. — Pardon me for not asking you but those Twins had me all upset. 



FLOS. — Too bad we didnt wait. 

OK. — Oh, thats all right. I'm getting along just fine. 

HAE. — If you dont see what you want, why we havent got it. 

OK. — Trust me — I just dote on picnic like this. 

CHOL.— (Strolls in E. U.) 

POE. — We arrived at last, Cholly. 

OK. — Howdy do, Mr. Edgemond. 

CHOL, — (Awkwardly tips hat) Howdy do! I'm kind of late. Had to 
go over to the Lab. but Prof. Jinks didnt show up so here I am. 

DICK. — Couldnt keep away from the feed — thats the reason. 

CHOL. — No, I'm giving it to you straight. 

OK. — Coming to a feed like this is some inducement I am sure. 

JANE. — iSit down, Cholly. Here, make some room. 

CHOL.— (Sits by Jane.) 

FEAT. — We're about through, Cholly, (but I guess you can make out. 
Help yourself. 

CHOL. — I'll make out allright, you bet. 

FLOS. — Miss Sweetser, wont you have some of this cake? Its awfully 
good. 

OK. — (Takes a piece) Thank you. 

TOM. — (With mouth full) You bet its good! 

BAE. — Where are the hard boiled eggs? 

HAE. — I can tell you where three are. 

POE. — You'll need a doctor before morning. Hadnt I better help you 
make your will? 

HAE. — I have nothing to lea\e but my debts. They can go to charity. 

TOM. — I'm full— clear up. 

DICK. — Thats good. Now the rest of us will get a chance. 

PEAE. — Some one can have my chance. I cant eat another mouthful. 

ALL. — (Prepare to leave spread.) 

CHOL. — Hold on, folks, I'm not done yet! Just started, you know. 

OK. — And neither am I through. We'll eat by ourselves, wont we? 

CHOL. — Why, of course. 

ALL. — (Pick up dishes while Por., Ok. and Choi, are eating. Each takes 
piece of cake as they rise.) 

TOM. — 'My, that was a dandy feed! Why dont we have one every Friday? 

BAE. — Oh, we'd get tired of them if they came too often. 

FEAT. — I know I wouldnt. 

FLOS.— Nor I. 

CHOL. — It braces a fellow up .all right. I'm not a bit blue now. 

BAE. — Feel as though you didnt owe old Slyfox a cent? 

CHOL. — I should say so. 

DICK. — And I feel happy enough to sing. 

JANE.— Oh dont! Please dont! 

OK. — Please do! I just love singing. 

HAE. — You dont know what you are starting. Its something awful. 
OK. — I dont believe it. 

HAE. — You'll know some day perhaps. 

DICK. — (Starts some familiar song or class song. After making fun a 
few moments, all join in as they are packing up. Dim the lights for evening 
effect. Curtain falls as all are leaving the stage.) 

SLOW CUETAIN. 



MT II. 




SCENE.— A street in Venice. 

NOTE — Have street drop at back of stage. Display of hammocks, etc., 
on benches in front of house D. L. The set house E. TJ. is not necessary but 
can be made by lashing two prison wings together. Lights dimmed. Time: 
Evening. 

FOXINA. — (Discovered at rise of curtain, playing with tennis ball in front 
of house D. L.) 

SLYFOX. — (Enters from house D. L., carrying old lantern) Foxina! 

FOX.— Yes, Papa. 

SLY. — I go over town to see Yocobs and I vant you to behave vile I am 
avay gone tonide. 

FOX.— (Meekly) Yes, Papa dear. 

SLY. — I vill haf no flirtings and chokings mid der students. 

FOX.— Oh no, Papa dear. 

SLY. — Dake goot care of de shop. If dat young tif er, Brassy Jones, 
comes round mit any monies, dont let him get avay wit it. Make him pay 
up quick. 

FOX. — Oh yes, Papa dear. 

SLY. — Sharge 'em all up goot for der books and keep open dill halef bast 
den. 

FOX.— Yes, Papa. 

SLY. — I go now. Mind, I say, if I vind you haf flirted and gas mit dat 
odder scamp, Tom, I vip in an inch of your life. Goot py, my daughter. 

FOX.— Good bye. 

SLY. — (Turns) Lock de door mit de bolt on de inside. 

FOX.— All right, Papa. 

SLY.-^Good py. (Exit R. U.) 

FOX. — (Calls after Sly) Good bye, Papa dear. (Watches him out of 
sight and then capers about) Well, I just guess Papa will drop with a dull 
sickening thud when he finds out what his tootsy wootsy girlie's been up to! 

GEOEGE. — (Enters L. XL, and stands listening). 

FOX. — (Not seeing Geo.) I think elopements are so romantic! (Re- 
flectively) I do hate to miss a wedding and the presents and the trous- 
esau, but Til take just a few wedding presents from Papa, dear, and as for 
the trousseau, whats the diff ? (Confidentially) Tommy swears he loves me 
even in my basket ball suit. How nice it will be not to have to go to church 
on Saturdays and miss all the mattinees and things! (Laughs) My, I can 
just imagine Papa dear, when he finds I am gone. He'll roar like— — in 

his — classes and say: "Oh my monies, my pills, my timonds, my 

taughter"! Wont it be rich! (Laughs.) 



GEO. — (Comes forward and falls on knees) Oh, Miss Foxy, please Miss 
Foxy, cant I lope with you? I dont want to stay here* no more when you 
is gone! (Looks up at her sorrowfully). 

FOX. — (iStartled) Why, George, I'd forgotten you! (Lays hand on his 
shoulder) Say, George, you wont tell on Miss Foxy, will you? 

GEO. — (On knees) Pon my soul, Miss Foxy, I'll nebber tell. (Crosses 
himself). 

FOX. — You're all right, George. 

GEO.— (Rises.) 

FOX.— Oh, isnt it fun to elope! 

GEO. — I nevah played dat game, Miss Foxy. 

FOX. — You come and help put the store in shape. It will he hard enough 
on Papa to find me gone without this work to do. 

GEO. — Yaas, Miss Foxy. 

FOX. — When we get everything inside all fixed up nice then you can come 
out and bring in this stuff. Now hurry and get it done and (Joyfully) 
then for the elopement! (Enters house D. L.) 

GEO. — Miss Foxy's the bestest one I know, dats what she is! (Enters 
house D. L.) 

BE ASSY.— (Enters B. XL, goes to house D. L. and is about to enter when a 
whistle is heard B. U. He turns E. U.) 

CHOL. — (After giving the whistle, enters E. U., hurriedly.) 

BE AS— Why hello,. Cholly! 

CHOL. — Hello, Brassy! What are you up to? 

: BEAS. — (Gloomily) Was just going in to' see old Slyfox about my bill. 
(Pause). The old duffer has been dunning me again. 

CHOL. — You cant do anything about it tonight. He's just gone over 
town. I met him on Main Street hobbling along like all get out. 

BEAS. — (Believed) For this relief, much thanks. I can rest easy until 
tomorrow. 

CHOL. — He got me good and strong just before supper. 

BEAS.— Hows that? 

CHOL. — Oh, he struck me for my bill and I promised to pay him in four 
days. 

BEAS. — I dont see anything "Good and strong" about that. 

iCHOL. — Promising to pay in four days was the easy part. Its a funny 
deal though. He wasnt content with my promise to pay but insisted on a 
written agreement that if I didn't pay up he was to have a pound of flesh 
and blood from next my heart. ,•■,;', 

BBAS.WWell, what do you think of that! He must have (been reading 
Shakespeare. 

CHOL. — Guess he has for he said he wanted both "Flesh and folood" for 
the "Flesh" alone was a bad bond. 

BEAS. — Thats a good gag even if it is a little old. But say, old chap, I 
do hate to see you g.o to the hospital. (Laughs). 

OHOL. — (Laughs) It wont come to that. Its only a foolish idea of his 
anyway and I signed just to make him feel good. I expect a check from 
Dad in a day or two and can make the payment all right. 

BEAS. — Well, I should hope so! (Laughs) You'd look awfully lop-sided 
with one side of you slashed up like that. 

CHOL. — But say, Brassy, I've got a favor to ask of you. 

BEAS. — About how much? Dont make it too strong. 

CHOL. — I dont want money this time. 

BEAS. — Once again, for this relief, much thanks. 

CHOL. — (Uneasy) I want you to take me up to the Pertly's to call. 

10 



BRAS — Ah— er— I'm awfully busy now, Cholly. The fact is—Mrs Pertly 
is very particular. J 

OHOL.— I like that! But you cant lose me. I know whats the matter 
with you. You're jealous. 

thS 8 ^ 8 '" -3 ^ 011 * y ° U dare Cal1 mG J ealous! I detest Jealousy above all 

'°J ( J L -— ; You neednt be so grouchy! Miss Pertly is a nice girl and no end 

know ltS a Sweetser X want t0 J 011 ^- ' She ' s staying there, you 

^ RA, ®^ Change of manner). Yes, verily, the fair Okissa is a toothsome 
maid Well, ah— er— I was just going to say when you interrupted me that 
Mrs. Pertly is very particular, but I know she would be delighted to have 
you call on Miss Sweetser, see? 

kn o H ° L '~ YeS ' J See! When ' n we g° ? She wont be there forever, you 

BRAS. — I'm going out there tonight. 
CHOL.— I'm with you. 

BBAS.— But there's one thing I want to impress upon you, Chollv 
(Aside) I'll scare him a little. y 

CHOL.— Whats that? 

BRAS.— You've got to behave out there, if I take you. Miss Sweetser 
is very conventional when anyone calls. 

OHOL .— I didnt know that. 

BRAS.— Yes, you'll have to talk books and classical music to her. She's 
a shark on all that sort of thing. . 

CHOL —Oh thunder! But you can depend on me, I'll wipe my feet on the 
door mat and say, "Yes, ma'am" and -No ma'am" and eat all my bread 
crusts and fold my napkin, etc. Oh, I've trotted in society some myself. 

BRAS. — See that you do things right. 

§??Q'~^ Ut , IVe ? ot t0 ^° ne up a little on b00ks and classical music. 
BEAS.— (Looks at watch). Gee, its getting late! We'd better get into 
our togs and then for the damsels. s 

BRAS-CHOL. — (Exuent hurriedly R. U.) 

n^°<~™ n *f r ? fT T. h ,° USe D - L *' ^ 0es R - U - and l00ks af ter Brassy and 
Cholly) Wondah what dem sports is up to now? (Goes down C) Dey cant 
tmk of a ting but glad rags an de gals. y 

TOM.— (Sounds auto horn). 

m GEa ~ De m kind of dudes makes me mighty tired dats what dey does. 
(Begins to gather up things from the ibenches.) 

n2^-~i EnterS down R) Hello > G eorge! Keeping house? 
mSsFo^ Si 8 ** 1 ' MaSSa ' Slyf0X he d ° ne g ° ne aWaj an rse takin 2 care of 

^Z°5;T° h '- indeed M SUPP0Se y ° U haVent an ^ objections to her taking a 
ride with me in an auto? s 

h ft G ^;7 N °' Sah ' bu \ if a y? ne f ould h urt Miss Poxy, (Becoming excited, 
he bristles up to Tom). I'd just knock all de stuff in clear out of him, sah! 
(Coming to himself, grins) But I spects you likes Miss Foxy bout as much 

H-S X Q06S. 

TOM.— You're a bright boy, George, and that last remark was a conspicu- 
ous example of the sedulous fidelity with which you adhere to that standard 
ol veracity set by your famous namesake. 

GEO. — Is you tryin to call me names? 

n^'~Sh &nghS ? Not exactl y- Bu * tell me, is Miss Poxy within? 

/■r • "T ^ n .° W ' ^ h ' , You mi 2 ht ax her « She 's in de house, sah. 

(Begins to carry things into house D. L.) 

TOM.— (About to enter, when loud snore is heard in house. Steps back). 

11 



She has fallen asleep. (Several snores) I can hear her deep regular breath- 
ing. (Snores continue. Picks up handful of gravel and throws it at second 
story window) Foxina! (Throws) Foxina, wake up! (Snores cease) Foxina! 

FOX.— (In house) Who calls so loud? 

TOM.— Why, its me. (More softly) Its time to elope! 

GEO. — (Carries last armful of things into house D. L.) 

FOX. — (Head out of window) Is that you, Tommy? 

TOM.— iSure thing! 

FOX. — I'm all ready, but you'll have to get the step ladder, love, its in 

the woodshed. 

TOM. — Are you locked in? 
FOX— Why— no— 
TOM. — Then come down the stairs. 
FOX. — That isnt one bit romantic. 
TOM. — But its more sensible and less dangerous. 
GEO. — (Enters from house D. L. and exits E. U., hurriedly). 
FOX. — (Pouting) Guess you dont want to elope with me after all. 
TOM. — Oh, yes I do! Me for that step ladder! (Exit quickly above 
house) 

FOX. — Isnt he a dear boy! I know he'll make an ideal husband! He just 
minds everything I say. I must try and not be hard on him. 

TOM. — (Enters with ladder) Here's the ladder and I'll have it in place 
in a jiffy. 
FOX. — My, but you're spry! I didnt think you could find it so quickly. 
TOM. — (Going up ladder) Oh, I'm a dandy all right! 

FOX. — (Hands Tom a conglomeration of bundles, chattering all the time). 
Take good care of them, Tom. That big one's got my new hat in it. (Hands 
Tom a small box. And this is Papa's wedding present. 

TOM.— What! 

FOX. — Put it in your deep pocket. 

TOM. — (Alarmed) Does — your Papa know about this? 

FOX. — (Laughing) Not yet. But I knew he'd want me to have something 
so I took it. 

TOM. — (Puts box in his pocket) Well, I'll take it along with his good 
wishes or whatever they are. 

FOX. — Oh dear! Wish we had a big trunk, dont you? 

TOM. — It wouldnt go in the auto, you know. 

FOX. — (Gives Tom the last bundle) Why, of course not. How foolish of 
me to suggest it. 

TOM. — (Begins to stagger down the ladder). 

FOX. — Look out or you'll fall! (Follows on ladder). 

TOM. — (As Fox Beaches stage) Say, but you look cute! 

FOX. — (Looking herself over) I'm glad you like them, Tom, for they are 
all the trousseau I've got. But you can buy me everything I want, cant 
you, dear? 

TOM. — (Arranging bundles) What do you take me for? A foot ball 
manager? (Begins to tie ibundles together.) 
FOX. — Have you a real good auto, Tommy? 

12 



TOM. — Guess its all right. Why the question? 

FOX. — It would spoil things awfully if Papa should overtake us. 

TOM. — Yes, I think' it would. 

FOX. — (Clapping hands) Oh, goodness me! 

TOM. — (Startled) Whats the matter now? 

FOX. — Why, I almost forgot Tony! The poor darling! (Buns up ladder 
and enters window.) 

TOM. — (Aside) We've enough now without that confounded dog along! 

FOX. — (At window with dog in arms) Move the ladder, Tommy, I cant 
carry him down. 

TOM. — (At foot of ladder) May be I could carry him. 

FOX. — No, I've got him all fixed. Move the ladder away. 

TOM. — (Takes ladder up stage). 

FOX. — (Lets small dog down with rope). 

TOM. — (Takes dog, replaces ladder, helps Fox descend). And do you ex- 
pect to take him along? v 

FOX. — Its cruel of you to ask. If you are* going to treat me so, (Stamps 
foot) I wont go one step! (Waxes tearful.) 

TOM. — {Finishes tying "bundles) There, there, dont cry. Tony shall go. 
We'll tie him "behind the auto. 

FOX.— He'll be tickled to death to go. 

TOM.— I hope he will like it. 

FOX. — And he will be so much company for me when you are away. 

TOM.— Thanks! Are we all ready? 

GEO. — (Enters E. U., out of breath. Wears auto coat, gloves, goggle in 
one hand and large Ted gasoline can in other.) 

FOX. — Why, George! What are you doing here? 

GEO. — Ise gwine to lope wid you, Miss Foxy. 

TOM. — (Indignantly) What do you mean, you imp of darkness? 

FOX. — Let him explain, Tommy. 

GEO. — I wants to lope wid you an Mister Tom, I does. 

TOM.— (Sarcastically) Oh, I'm in this too, am I? . 

GEO. — Yaas, sah. Please sah, I'll work for you, sah. 

TOM.— Shall we let him go? 

FOX. — Of course! €ome along, Georgie. (To Tom) We can soon lose 
him. 

GEO.— Ise ready, just as soon as I git dese here tings on. (Starts to put on 
coat, etc., but has hard time of it.) 

TOM. — Now, if you are quite sure there is no one else who would like to 
go with us, we'll start. 

TOM-FOX. — (Exuent down B., carrying the bundles and leading the dog). 

GEO. — (Makes final effort and gets his things on as auto horn toots. 
Grabs gasoline can and dashes off D. E.) 

SLY. — (After short pause, enters slowly R. XL, with lantern, in deep 
thought. Notes that all the things are taken in the house. Knocks at door 
of house D. L., waits patiently. Knocks again and looks about in a pre- 
occupied manner. After a moment knocks again and then calls softly) 
Voxinal (Pause, then louder) Voxina! (Waits a moment, knocks at door 
hard. Pause, knocks harder than ever and leans against door. It swings 
open and he half falls inside. Soon a terrible groan is heard and he rushes 
out shouting) Helip! Helip! My timonds! My taughterl Helip, Helip! 
(Buns off E. XL, still shouting). 

QUICK CUETATN. 

13 



Oct rm 



EffSZL 




^trfirtor /9>*«-Y- 



4, m * r> 




^tf 



G. 




SCENE: Eoom in the Pertly mansion. Lights: Full up. Time: Evening. 

POR-MRS. PERTLY. — (Discovered at "rise of curtain. Mrs. is seated in 
rocker, sewing. Por. on couch thrumming a guitar or some stringed instru- 
ment.- Several moments elapse before they speak). 

POR. — (Languidly impatient.) Oh dear, I wonder why Brassy doesnt 
come? 

MBS. — Really, my dear, I cannot say. 

POR. — (Continues to thrum.) 

MRS. — (After a pause). I wish you wpuldnt play that horrid instrument 
longer. (Moves uneasily.) It makes me so nervous. 

POR.— (Pays no attention.) 

EARL — (Rings door bell off L). 

POR. — (Stops playing quickly.) There's the bell! I feel that it is 
Brassy— it sounds just like his ring. (Lay guitar on foot of couch.) 

MRS. — (Making her sewing presentable.) -Hadnt you better call Okissa? 

POR. — (Provoked,) Not until I've seen him myself I guess. 

BRIDGET.— (Enters C coming from L) If ez plase, the Arl of Deadbroke 
wants ter see yez, mum. 

POR. — (Provoked) Oh dear, will this casket business never end? 

MRS. — (Very busy putting things to rights). It is as your poor, dear Pa 
wished, my dear. 

POR. — Oh yes, I know, but its so tiresome. (Languidly) Show his maj- 
esty in, Bridget. 

BRID. — Oilroight! (Exit C, going L. Whenever she exits she takes a 
little jump and turns while her feet are off the floor). 

MRS. — (Pleased that it is the Earl) Now, Portia dear, do your best — he's 
a real live Earl, so the papers say. 

POR.— Earl, nothing! 

MRS. — Why, Portia, his title is guaranteed by the Snide Assurance Oo. 

POR. — Bosh! Oh what a bore he is! I wish this casket business was 
over with. I just know that I will have to marry some stick of a man and 
not the one I really and truly love. 

MRS. — Shame on you to talk so of your Pa's great scheme! 

POR. — Pa's great scheme, nothing! He got the whole thing from Shake- 
speare. 

MRS. — -Great minds always run in the same channels, my dear. 

BRID. — (Enters C, stands at R of door, announces in loud voice) The 
Arl of Deadbroke! 

EARL. — (Saunters in 0.) 

14 



POR. — (Rising and bowing coldly) Good evening, my lord, so delighted 
to see you. 

EARL. — (Uses monocle) Aw, chawmed, I'm suah. And Mrs. Pertly, aw, 
How'd do? 

iMRS. — (iSmiling) A pretty night, isnt it, your majesty? 

EARL. — Chawming! 

MRS. — Pray be seated. 

EARL. — Aw, thanks awfully. (Sits by Portia on couch L. To Por.) 
Chawmed, I'm suah to see you once when that little ass of a Chumpy isnt 
around. 

POR. — (Bent on making him feel ill at ease.) The more the merrier, say I. 

MRS.— (Correcting) Portia! 

EARL. — He's so forward, doncherknow. Like all Frenchmen, blast him! 

POR— Juss my style! 

EARL. — Aw, weally, you dont mean it. You American girls are so hard 
to comprehend, doncherknow. 

POR.— Too (bad about us, isnt it? 

MRS. — Really, Portia, such language. 

POR. — (Paying no attention to Mrs.) I suppose in Merry England you 
dont find girls like us — with money I mean? 

EARL. — Aw, yaas, but they are not chawming, doncherknow. 

POR. — Ah, indeed! I fear you flatter us. 

EARL. — Aw, no I dont, weally. 

BRID. — (Enter C) The Count de Chumpy's at the door, mum. 

POR. — (Quickly) Show the Count right in. 

BRID.— (Exit C). 

POR. — (Teasing Earl) Really, my lord, the Count isnt half bad when you 
come to know him. 

MBS. — (Shows anxiety). 

EARL. — (Looks grouchy) Aw, Miss Pertly, you dont weally mean it, do 
you? (Aside) What a stwange girl! 

BRID. — (Enters C, announces) The Count de Chumpy! 

COUNT.— (Enters C, briskly, coming from L). 

BRID.— (Exit C). 

POR. — (Goes to Count quickly and offers hand) So glad to see you, 
Count! 

COUNT— (With Elaborate bow, kisses Por's hand). 

EARL. — (Turns aside and gnashes his teeth). 

COUNT. — Eet is ze great pleasar to see you — and Madame Pertly also. 

POR. — I believe you have met Lord Deadbroke? 

iCOUNT. — '(Coldly) I haf had ze great pleasar. (Low bow). 

EARL.— (Stiffly) Aw, yes, I know the Count. (Gruffly) Chawmed, 
I'm suah. (Both glare). 

POR. — (Aside) They're as bad as a and a — . Mamma, 

dont you want to show Lord Deadbroke our family album? (Takes album 
from table down R and hands it to Mrs.) 

MRS. — (Not catching the situation) Delighted, my love. Wont you have 
this seat, my lord? (Motions to seat beside her on couch R). 

EARL. — Aw, chawmed, I'm suah! (Takes seat by Mrs. on couch R. Aside) 
Howwahs! 

POR-COUNT. — (On couch L., converse in pantomine). 

MRS. — (Beaming on Earl) You know, my lord, we came from a poor but 
very respectable family and our being rich does not deter us from keeping 
the likenesses of our ancestors who have gone before. 

EARL. — Aw, indeed! Chawmed, I'm suah! 

15 



COUNT. — Mees Pertly, you vill not keep me so vere iong on ze tight rope 
of suspense. Permit zat I take ze small pox tonight — zees vere night. 

POR — (Horror struck) What! The small pox? 

COUNT. — You vill permit, I say zat I shoose one of ze poxes, ze caskets 
what you call — zat I know my fate zees vere night. 

POR. — (Looks downward in pretended embarrassment). 

EARL.— Listens intently to Count and is oblivious to Mrs. who is po- 
litely "Doing" the pictures). 

MRS. — (Loudly and with would-be elegance) Here is a picture of my 
father. He used to be a captain on a canal boat. Isnt he dignified looking? 

EARL. — (Looking at Por and Count. Absently minded ) Aw, aw, chawmed, 
I'm suah. 

POR. — (Sudden change of manner) C'humpy, me boy, I dont care a snap 
for you but I must keep poor, dear Pa's will or lose the mon. 

EARL. — (Catches the remark. Rises quickly and goes to Por.) Aw, Miss 
Pertly, you know what a jolly lot I think of you. Let me try my luck to- 
night, too. 

POR. — Mamma, are you willing for the Count and his lordship to make a 
formal trial for my hand? 

■MRS. — (Sighs) It is as your poor, dear Pa would have wished. 

POR. — (Rises and rings bell on table up L. C.) We'll have it over at once. 

BRID.— (Enters C). 

POR. — The casket, please. 

BRID.— Yis, mum. (Exit C). 

MRS. — (Trying to make the ceremony impressive) And lets unveil poor, 
dear Pa's picture so he can smile on us as he used to do. (Draws draperies 
from picture on easel, up R). 

BRID. — (Enters C, with caskets which she places on table L. U.) Is that 
all, mum. 

POR. — Yes. I'll ring, if I want you again. 

BRID.— Oilroight! (Exit C) 

POR. — (Back to table) Now, gentlemen, look pleasant please for it 
wont take long. 

COUNT. — Ze great pleasar, indeed! 

EARL. — Aw, chawmed, I'm suah! 

MRS. — Of course you know how Portia's Pa came (Wipes her eyes) to 
make this odd provision for her marriage. He was fond of Shakespeare, 
dear man! He got his idea from Macbeth. 

EARL. — Aw, indeed! 

POR. — Well, Count, make your choice. 

COUNT. — (Goes to table andi looks at the caskets). 

MRS. — (With concern) Portia, dear, his lordship was the first to arrive. 
He should have first choice. 

EARL. — (Quickly going to table) Aw, chawmed, I'm suah! 

POR. — (With toss of head) Oh, well, I dont care! 

PAUL.-MIN. — (Hub-bub is heard off L., and they enter C, quarreling). 

PAUL. — Aw, shut up! 

(MIN. — I am bigger'n you! I am! I tell you! 

PAUL. — You aint bigger! I'm lots bigger! 

MIN. — Mamma, aint I fbigger'n Paul? 

MRS. — You naughty children! Freshmen should me seen and not heard. 

POR. — Do go get your books and be quiet. 

PAUL. — Who said youse boss round here? 
MIN. — We dont have to mind you! 

MRS. — Children! Children! That will do! Wont you speak to the gentle- 
men like good little children? 

16 



MIN. — Nope! I wont have nuthin to do with fureignera. 

PAUL. — (Pointing to Count) An he dont count anyway, see! (Tough 
attitude). 

POE. — You naughty children! Please dont mind them, gentlemen. 

EAEL. — Aw, chawmed, I'm suah. 

'COUNT. — Zay need ze stick what you call. 

EAEL. — So forward, doncherknow. 

PAUL. — (Comes to table and poses with one hand on one of the caskets) 
Walk up, gents, and choose yer rifles. Dont be backward about coming 
forward. Eoll up, tumble up, any way to get up. 

MIN. — (Steps up to Paul) And if yer cant get up, throw yer money up. 

MES. — (Very much annoyed but cannot stop them). 

POE. — (Seems to enjoy the situation). 

COUNT-EAEL— (Very much amazed. 

PAUL. — Yer pays yer money an yer takes yer choice. Every time you 
make a hit yer gits a cigar! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! 

MES. — (Finally pushes Paul and Min away) Children, I am actually 
ashamed of you! You act as bad as Juniors at a class party. I'm going to 
spank you and hear you say your horried little prayers and put you to bed! 

PAUL. — (Whining) I haint heard no curfew bell yet. 

MIN. — Cant I kiss the gentlemen good night? 

MES. — Seizes each one by a hand) You come along at once) (Exits C, 
with Paul and Min. 

PAUL-MIN. — (Dig their heels in the carpet and cry bedlam fashion.) 

PAUL. — I wont say my prayers! 

MIN. — I dont want to go! 

PAUL. — I'll run away, thats what I will! 

MIN. — I dont like you! 

PAUL-MIN. — (Noise finally dies away in the distance). 

POE. — And this is but one little incident compared with what we go 
through with them every day, but dont let that discourage you. (Motions 
to caskets). Whats your choice? 

EAEL. — This one reads: "Vote for peace, plenty and prosperity but have 
patience." 

COUNT. — (Soulful glance at Portia and with hand on heart) Mees Pert- 
ly, ze mighty love cannot be patient. Ze silver one say: "Shoose me and 
pay your honest debts." (Aside) Ha! Zat ees vare nice! 

POE. — (With pathos) And this plain lead one — poor, dear Pa always liked 
plain things — says: "Take me and you'll get what you deserve." 

EAEL. — Aw, let me think. 

POE. — (With suggestion) You have my permission. 

EAEL. — (Aside) I wondah what she's means by that? (Takes up silver 
casket) "Pay your honest debts." Aw, thats not half bad. 

COUNT. — (Musing) Eet was ze lover who shoose ze lead casket who got 
ze vere peautiful Portia in Shakespeare. 

POE. — (Coyly encourages Count). 

EAEL. — Aw, I'll take the silver one. 

COUNT. — (With assurance) I vill shoose ze lead. 

EAEL-COUNT. — (Glare at one another and then open the caskets). 

POE. — (Looks on with satisfied smile). 

EAEL.— (Pulls out large- roll of paper from his casket. Eeads aloud) 
"Anybody what will choose silver when something better is lying around 
aint going to get no daughter of mine. Yours respectively, John Pertly." 
(Puts roll back in casket) Aw, what a deuced shame! Awfully sorry for 
you, Miss Pertly. 

17 



POR. — Thanks awfully, Deady, but I think I'll survive. Try (Nearby 
town) they have lots of girls there just as rich as me. 
EAEL. — (Starts to go). 

POR. ; — Wait and see what the Count draws. 
EARL. — Aw, I must go weally, chawmed, I'm suah. 

POR — Really, must you go so soon? I'm awfully sorry for I know 
Mamma wanted to show you the rest of the pictures. 
EARL. — (In disgust) Aw, howwahs! (Exit C). 

COUNT. — (Finally gets lead casket open) Ze gentleman noylike eet. 
(Takes out roll of paper) Vait I show eem ze way to vin ze fair Portia. 
(Bows low. Reads slowly) "Here's annoder guy zat dont know enough to 
take ze best zing in zite. Guess you had better brush py. Yours respect- 
fully, John Pertly." (Angry) I zink you not have a vere nice, polite Papa! 
Ee been dead still ee make ze fun mit ze great Shakespeare. (Turns to go). 

POR. — (Laughs) Yes, and other people. 

COUNT. — {Turning back) Eee might just as veil zay I been one lobster 
salaad. 

POR. — (Laughs) O, Count, you're so funny! 

COUNT. — Your f adder insult me — me a Frenchman! Et good zing ee 
been dead, I fight mit eem — duel — swords — pistols — anyzing. I tell every- 
body vat a bad scheme eet ees! Nopody vin you — I hope nevar! 

POR. — Let me be a sister — 

COUNT. — (Tearing his hair) Spare me zat! I have ten! (Exits C). 

POR. — (Closes caskets and laughs) What a lucky escape! They were 
the worst and the easiest yet. (Suddenly serious) But what if some of 
these suitors really makes the right choice? (Sighs) Then its all -off with 
Brassy. (Rings bell). 

POR. — I just wish poor, dear Pa hadnt invented such a mix up. 

BRID. — (Enters C) Did yez call, mum? 

POR. — (Sighs) Yes, Get some paper, Bridget, and seal these caskets. 

BRID. — Oilroight! (Starts to gather caskets up). 

BRAS.— (Rings door bell off L). 

BRID. — (Drops caskets on table and hurriedly exits C). 

POR. — Bridget! Bridget! Oh dear, why didnt she take these away? 

BRID. — (Enters C) Mister Jones and Mister Edgemond to see yez, mum. 

POR. — Show them in. 

BRID.— Oilroight! (Exit C). 

POR. — And she didnt get those caskets. 

BRAS-CHOL.— (Enter C). 

POR. — (Shakes hands) Hello, Brassy, awfully glad to see you! Good 
evening, Cholly, delighted to see you, too! 

CHOL. — (Bashfully) Pleased to come, I'm sure. 

POR. — Have the rocker, Cholly. 

CHOL.— Thanks. (Sits in rocker). 

BRAS. — (Dropping on couch R) Thought I'd bring me old pal, Cholly, 
up tonight. 

POR. — Awfully glad you did. (Sits). 

CHOL.— Thank you. 

POR. — Hasnt it been dreadfully hot today, though? 

BRAS.— You bet! 

CHOL. — Yes, it has. (Mops neck). 

POR. — Just seemed as though I'd melt up in that old Lab. An hour never 
seemed so long to me in all my life. 

CHOL. — It was pretty warm up there. (Wipes forehead) Its so near the 
roof, you know. 

POR. — May be that is what makes it. 

is 



BRAS. — Where's Miss Sweetser? 

POR. — She'll be down in a few minutes. Isnt she a charming girl? 
CHOL. — (Pretended surprise) Why, is she here yet? 
BRAS.— (Gives Por, the wink). 
POR. — Will be hore a whole week yet. 

CHOL. — (Confused) Guess I knew she was here — but I guess I forgot it. 
BRAS. — (Laughs) You ought to do something for that memory of yours. 
POR. — If you'll excuse me, Fll go and call her. Will be back in just a 
moment. 

CHOL.— (Quickly) Why, certainly. 

POR.— (Exit R. U.) 

CHOL. — (Sighs and mops brow). 

BRAS.— (Smiling) Whats the matter, Cholly? 

CHOL. — The cold chills are running up and down my back as though I 

was going to recite to Miss . 

BRAS. — Face the music like a man. But dont shovel any more hot blasts 
like that last one about not knowing Miss Sweetser was still here. Dont 
you think for a moment that Portia wasnt wise to the bluff. 

CHOL. — Oh thunder! I am so batty I dont know what Fm doing. Say, I 
cant remember a thing about the music and that literary stuff I was going 
to spring on her. (Discouraged) Oh, its all off! 
BRAS. — Cheer up! Dort take it so hard. 

CHOL. — Oh, I cant do it! Fm going home — (Starts to rise). 
BRAS. — Rats! Dont run away like a coward! You know the old saying 
"Faint heart never won fa'r lady." 

CHOL. — (Sinks back in chair) But I'm worse than that. I'm all in! 
POR.— (Enters R. U.) She'll be down in a few moments. (Sits) She 
wanted to know who was here but I wouldnt tell her. 

BRAS. — What did you do that for? You ought to have told her what 
common dubs we were — she wouldnt do so much primping then. 
CHOL.— Ye-es. 

OK. — (Enters R. U. Boys and Por rise) Good evening Mr. Jones. 
BRAS. — Good evening. 
OK. — And Mr. Edgemond. 
CHOL.— (Confused) Howdy-do. 

OK.— Portia wouldnt tell me who was here but I made a good guess. 
(Glances slyly at Cholly). 
CHOL. — '(Embarrassed. Abruptly) Of course! 

OK. — Pray be seated. (All sit) Hasnt it been a warm day, though? 
BRAS.— Fierce! 

CHOL. — (Bashfully; Dont suppose it ever gets as warm as this down in 
your town? 

OK. — Oh, my yes! One day last summer it was a hundred and eight in 
the shade. Why we nearly melted. And Mr. Turner, who keeps the soda 
fountain, took in over a hundred dollars that day alone. 
BRAS.— Gee whiz! 

CHOL. — Somebody must have been going some. 

OK. — Ice cream tastes dreadfully good on a day like that, you know. 
POR. — Most any day for that matter. 

BRAS. — (Seeing the caskets) Hello! Have you been pulling off another 
drawing? 

POR. — Oh yes, but it was a dull affair! I told Bridget to take those 
caskets away but just then you rang the bell and she dropped them for that. 
BRAS. — (Goes up to table and examines the caskets). 
OK. — Portia has so many suitors. 
CHOL.— Why, ye-es. 

19 



OK. — But I havent seen one "Drawing''. 

BEAS. — (Quickly) Say, I would like to give you the chance. 

POE. — Oh Brassy, suppose you shouldnt choose the right one! 

BEAS. — You ought to be used to that "by this time. 

POE. — But it'll break me all up if I dont get you — I mean if you dont get 
me — if we dont get us! Confused). 

BEAS. — Lets have it over with! The suspense is worse than exams. 

POE. — I am so afraid — (Goes to caskets). 

OK-OHOL.-— (Join Bras and Por at table). 

BEAS. — Cant miss it. (Examines lead casket, reads aloud) "Take me 
and you will get what you deserve". That wont do. I want more. 

POE.— (Aside) Wasnt that sweet? 

BEAS. — Lets read the silver one. (Eeads) "Pay your honest debts". By 
Jove! That's an inducement! Wonder if that includes old Slyfox? 

Now for the gold. (Eeads) "Vote for peace, plenty, and prosperity but 
have patience". 

BEAS. — (To Portia) And you cant give a fellow one little hint? 

POE. — I am bound to secrecy by poor Pa's will. 

BEAS. — (After a pause) Oh — I believe I'll take the gold! (Opens casket, 
takes out small card. Eeads) "Here's a young fellow who knows a good 
thing. Take her and welcome. Your perspective father-in-law, John Pertly." 

POE. — (Throws herself in Brassy's arms) I am yours! 

BEAS.— For Life? 

POE.— Yes! Oh, Kissy and Cholly, wasnt Brassy clever? He chose the 
right casket and I didn't tell him a thing! 

BEAS. — I took a long chance on the one the other fellows left. (Laughs). 

POE. — Oh — oh! (Quickly) But its fair though for I never said a word 
that would help and didnt know a thing about it. 

OK. — Dearie. I wish you all the joy in the world! (Embracing Portia). 

CHOL. — (Shakes Brassy's hand) Congratulations. 

BEAS. — Thanks. (To Por) Hadnt we better adjourn to the conserva- 
tory find talk it over. 

POE. — You folkses will excuse us, wont you? 

CHOL.— (Quickly) Of course! 

OK. — And when vou come back, tell us all about it. (Sit E) 

POE-BEAS.— (Exuent L.) 

CHOL. — (After a long awkward silence) Have — have — have you read 
"Uncle Tom's Cabin'.' 

OK. — (Taken back) Ye-es — (Pause) But I dont like books as well as 
real people. 

CHOL. — Why — why — I heard that you did. 

OK. — Indeed? (Laughs) How funny! Mamma is always telling me I 
ought to be more interested in books and music. 

CHOL. — (Gives sigh of relief). 

OK. — (Glances at Cholly) Are you fond of dancing, Mr. Edgemond? 

CHOL.— Well, I should' whistle! I— I— mean I like to. 

OK. — So am I. I'd rather dance than eat. (Pause) Brassy's terribly in 
love with Portia, isnt he? 

CHOL. — (Inspired) Not any more than a fellow I know is in love with a 
certain girl not a thousand miles from here. 

OK. — (Looks down embarrassed, runs hand back and forth over couch). 

CHOL. — (Looks at Okissa a moment, then hurries to her, and awkwardly 
falls on knees) Okissa — Miss Sweetser — I have only known you six days but 
you are the only girl I love! Why — I — I never knew what it was to be in 
love until I saw you! I — I — want you! It will kill me, if you dont. (Grabs 
Okissa's hand). 

20 



FOB— (Laughs off L). 
OHOL.— (Seems unalble to move). 
POR-BEAS.— (Enter L). 

CHOL-OK. — (Cholly and Okissa are both disconcerted). 
CHOL— (Quickly comes to the rescue, tragically exclaims) And he was 
down on his knees, this way, making love to the Princess, when in comes 

the old Duke: . ' . . 

OK — (.Toiuiug in the conceit) That must have been awfully funny! 

CHOL— The funniest thing I have seen for a long time. (Pretends to see 
Por and Bras for the first time, rises) I was just explaining a scene from 
the Dew play, "A King's Minister," to Miss Sweetser. 

POR-BRAS — (Significantly) Oh! 

CHOL.— (Solemnly) The funniest thing I ever saw. 

BRAS — It must have been. Is it coming here? 

CHOL.— (Confused) I— I dont know. I saw it in — . 

POR.— (To Brassy) Hadnt we better tell them? 

BRAS.— Oh, I dont know. _ , 

OK.— (Glad to change the subject) Tell us what it is. 

POR.— Why— why we are engaged for sure. 

OK— Thats nothing— so are we! Arent we— Cholly? (Takes Cholly by 

a CHOL.— (Almost overcome) Why, of course! Yes— of course— we are! 

BRAS.— (Grabs Cholly's hand) Congratulations! 

CHOL.— ^Same here! 

POR-OK — (Embrace) . 

POR. — Oh, I'm so glad! 

OK. — Me, too! ". . __, 

POR.— Isnt it funny that we all got engaged at the same time? When 
are you going to be married? 

CHOL.— (Still confused) We— we dont know. 

OK.— Why not. get married at the same time? 

BRID. — (Enter C to get caskets.) 

BRAS. — Thats the idea! A double wedding! 

POR-OK. — Goody! Goody! A double wedding! 

BRID.— (At C with caskets in arms. Strikes tragic attitude) Yez km 
hev a double wedding if yers want, but I'll not do the tbakin! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



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SCENE: A court room. Lights full up. Time: Morning. 

JUSTICE {Discovered, sweeping the floor. Sweeps dirt to door L, and 

sweeps it out). 

21 



PEAK-FLOS.— (Enter L brushing dirt from clothes) Oh! Oh! Oh! 

PEAR.— My, thats awful! Phew! 

FLOS. — Dreadful! What do you mean, sir? 

JUST. — (Aghast) I — I — beg your pardon, ladies. You see I have court 
this morning and 1 was cleaning up a bit. 

FLOS — Thats good. Only we dont want the dirt on us. When does the 
trial begin? 

JUST. — Wal, bout ten o'clock, I guess. Thats the time I usually has court. 
But its sometimes a leetle late. (Exit R). 

PEAR. — Isnt it just awful to think of poor Cholly on trial for his debts? 
And to that old Slyfox? 

FLOS. — And no money to hire a lawyer either. Its scandalous, thats 
what it is! I am glad we came early so we can get good seats where we can 
root for Cholly. 

PEAR. — Oh, but you cant do that in court, you know. 

FLOS. — May be our presence will cheer him up anyway. Lets sit here. 

FLOS-PEAR.— (Sit R. U.) 

MRS.-TWINS-JANE-FRAT-.BRID-HAR-DICK-BAR.— (Enter L from time 
to time. Chatter of greetings, etc., as they sit. Mrs.-Twins-Jane-Frat, sit 
L. U. The other sit R. U.) 

SLY-LAWYER. — (Enter L after a few moments, both loaded down with 
books and legal papers. Lawyer sits at Talble L and Slyfox just behind 
him.) 

. LAW. — (Looks at watch. Aside) Nine fifty-five. (Looks around at 
crowd). 

JUST. — (Enters R with large books, sits behind table on platorm). 

ALL. — (Quiet down to whispers). 

HAR.— (To Dick) Thats the lawyer for old Slyfox. 

DICK. — Hope he puts in a big bill against the old scamp. 

PAUL. — Say, Ma, why dont the show start? 

MRS. — It aint time yet. 

MIN. — Let me sit by Paul. 

PAUL. — (Crowding close to Mrs.) No, you dont! 

MIN.— (Pulling at Paul) I will, too! Thats what I will. 

MRS. — Now, children, be good. Dont you see the lawyer is looking at 
you? 

PAUL. — I aint afraid of him. 

MIN. — He dont look as bad as a policeman. 

MRS. — Never mind. (Gives a stick of candy to each) Now be good. 

SLY. — (Leans over and whispers to Law). 

ALL. — (Low hisses and groans). 

SLY. — (Turning to them) Vat, you not like me? I vill show you vat it 
means ven you not bay your pills. 

ALL.— Ah-h Ah-h! Down with old Slyfox! Etc., Etc.! (Bedlam of 
yells) . 

SLY. — (Shakes fist at them) I get you all some day. (Sits). 

ALL. — (Yell again). 

POLICE.— (Enter R) Here! Here! Sthop that nize! (Shakes club at 
those L., they stop and those on R keep it up. He turns to those R. They 
stop and those on L take it up again. This is repeated until he is runnning 
back and forth excitedly). 

SLY-LAW. — (Are in close conversation during this time). 

JUST. — (Yells) Say, this aint no football game! 

ALL. — (Yell louder than ever), 

JUST. — (Pounds table with book. Yells) Order! Order! Order in this 
here court room! I'll hev ye all arrested for contempt! 

22 



POLICE. — Yis, an fer foive dollars! 

ALL. — (Low jeers). 

JUST.— Quiet! Quiet! 

ALL. — (Low murmurs.) 

POLICE. — Didnt ye hear the Jest-ice say quiet! 

ALL. — (Come to order). 

jUiST. — Wal, I guess we might as well begin. Bring in the prisoner. 

POLICE.— (Exit E). 

ALL. — (Suppressed excitement). 

POLICE-CHOL — (Enter K. Cholly meekly takes seat C. Police stands 
at door L). 

ALL.— Three cheers for Cholly! Rah! Rah! Rah! Tiger! 

HAR. — Whats the matter with Cholly? 

JUST. — (Pounding on table) 'Order! Order! 

ALL. — (Suddenly quiet). 

PAUL-MIN.— (Loudly) He's all right! 

POLICE. — (Shakes club at Paul and Min.) Now you kids be still or I'll 
run yez in. 

PAUL. — Mamma, dont let him hurt me! 

MIN. — I dont want to be 'rested. 

MRS. — Then be quiet. Dont you see we are in court? 

PAUL. — (Sniffling) I wish we wasnt. 

JUST. — The case today is one Silas Merchant versus one Cholly Edge- 
mond. Are the counsels both present? 

SLY. — I have mine here, your honor. 

JUST. — (Swell up with dignity whenever anyone says: "Your honor") 
And young man, where is yours? 

OHOL. — I have none. I've no money. 

JUST. — I understand your father sends you money, sir. 

CHOL. — I had plenty a week ago, your honor, but Pve paid my class 
dues and my share for the Senior banquet, that took all I had and I couldn't 
pay my debts and I couldnt hire an attorney. 

jtj.st. — Then you will have to plead your own case. 

CHOL, — I have nothing to say. 

DICK. — (Aside to Har.) Gee, I wish I was a lawyer! I wouldnt do a 
thing to that old skinflint! 

JUST. — Let the case proceed. 

LAW. — (Rises) This case, your honor, is one of the most extraordinary 
import. The audacity and nerve of the defendant in assuming a debt that 
he could not and will not pay. 

ALL. — (Low murmurs). 

LAW. — (Continuing) is almost beyond comprehension. We shall prove to 
your satisfaction, your honor, that the defendant did wilfully and malic- 
iously incur a debt with one Silas Merchant when he had not or did not 
know where he was going to get the wherewithal to pay the same Silas 
Merchant what was due him in the eyes of man and the law. Punishment 
in the severest terms, should be meted out to such a culprit, both for the 
sake of law and order and as an awful example to those who contemplate 
following in his foot steps. (Pause.) 
ALL. — (Low groans). 

LAW. — It is with reluctance that we — 

POLICE.— (Holding door L., shut) Yez cant come in — there's no more 

room. 

POR. (Off L) But I tell you we will! By self -appointment, I am at- 
torney to Mr. Edgemond. 

JUST. — (To Lawyer) Just a moment. (To Police) Let her come in. 

23 



POR-OK-BEAS. — (Enter L. Bras has arms full of books and papers which 
he places on table E. Por sits at table E. Ok and Bras near Por). 

ALL. — Hurrah for Portia! Etc. 

POE. — (Short pause, rises) Your honor, I learned but recently that this 
defendant was without counsel because of lack of funds. Will you not 
acknowledge me as his (attorney? 

JUST. — If the prisoner can stand it, I can. 

CHOL. — I am more than willing to stand it. 

ALL.— Eah! Eah! Eah! Portia! 

POLICE.— (Shaking club) Here! Here! 

LAW. — (Aside to Sly) A woman lawyer! (Laughs) The case is ours al- 
ready I 

SLY. — (Eubs hands in satisfaction). 

JUST. — Wal, I guess we might as well go ahead. (To Lawyer) Have you 
got any questions to ask? 

LAW. — We are not proceeding quite in accordance with court custom. 

JUST. — Guess I'm running this court, aint I? Go ahead. 

LAW. — Young man, your name is Cholly Edgemond? 

CHOL.— Ye3, sir. 

LAW. — You admit that you owe Mr. Merchant a hundred and seventy- 
five dollars? 

CHOL.— Yes, sir. 

LAW. — (Eeferring to paper) I note these items against you: Books 
$4.50. Football goods $25.00. Class penants, etc. $10.00. Candy $40.00. 

GIRLS.— (Suppressed) Oh! 

LAW. — Ice cream in various forms, $95.50. 

GIRLS.— (Aloud) O-h-h! (Whisper excitedly). 

LAW. — You admit that these are correct? 

CHOL.— Yes, sir. 

LAW. — One thing more. In this written agreement here — (Takes paper) 
you state that if this bill is not paid when due, you solemnly swear and 
agree to give one Silas Merchant, ,a pound of flesh and blood from next 
your heart. 

ALL. — (Suppressed excitement). 

LAW. — Is that correct? • 

iOHOL. — 1 am sorry to say that it is. 

LAW. — You have fulfilled none of this agreement? 

CHOL,— No, sir. 

LAW. — Then we rest our case. The law must take its course. 

SLY. — '( Aside to Law) Aint it easy! 

JUST. — Wal, Ibut I dont see the idee of that pound of flesh. 

SLY. — Dot vas to make him bay up quick. 

JUST. — Have you no other witnesses? 

LAW. — We need none. We rest <our case. 

JUST. — Whats the tother side got ter say? 

POR. — Your honor, we call Silas Merchant as a witness. 

SLY.— (Takes chair C). 

CHOL.— (Sits near Portia). 

POR. — Your honor, my client has admitted his indebtedness to the plain- 
tiff. Also the agreement that unless the debt was paid within a certain 
time he was to give up a pound of flesh and blood from next his heart, 
to this man Merchant. In view of the unusual circumstances — de vin cillo 
ad valorem — we can only plead mercy. 

SLY. — Not from me! ' 

POR. — Not even if the debt be paid this day? 

SLY.— (Shakes head). ' 

24 



POE.— Within the hour? 

SLY.— No! 

POE. — I can and will bei responsible for his debts. 

SLY. — I dont want the money but my pound. 

POE. — You must have then the pound of flesh and blood 1 

SLY. — Yes. I show them all a few tings — you bet! 

POE. — We plead mercy, mercy for this defenseless young man! 

SLY.— (Shakes head). 

POLICE. — (Aside) Aint he a mean one! 

POE. — Forego your determination. Accept the money offered you. 

SLY — I vant only my pound. I vill have it! 

ALL. — (Low hisses). 

POE. — Your honor, we call Okissa Sweetser as a witness. 

SLY. — (Eeturns to seat). 

OK.— (Takes chair C). 

POE. — You are acquainted with this young man? 

OK. — (Demurely) Yes. 

POE. — Did he ever tell you of his indebtedness? 

OK. — Never. 

POE. — He has continued to give you candyuntil this very hour? 

OK— Yes. 

POE. — Did he ever give you anything else? 

OK. — Yes, a few things. 

POE. — Please enumerate them. 

OK. — (Slowly) He has given me a (book or two, a locket, a class pin and — 
and — something — else. 

POE. — Please name this "Something else." 

OK. — I'm supposed not to tell, but he gave me his — his — heart. (Con- 
fused). 

ALL. — (Show great interest especially the girls). 

POE. — And you now have it? 

OK. — Yes, now and always. 

POE. — The witness is excused. (Ok takes seat near Cholly) Your honor, 
it has just been testified to that the defendant has given his heart to an- 
other. In that case, Mr. Merchant has no redress. 

SLY.— Vat! 

LAW.— (Eises) We object! 

SLY.— Yes. 

LAW. — No man can give away his flesh and blood heart without giving 
up his life with it. The last witness simply means that she has his heart of 
love. 

SLY.— Dots right! Dots it! 

LAW. — We demand substantial proof that the young man's heart has al- 
ready been transferred to another. 

POE. — Under the circumstances such proof is not necessary. 

LAW. — We demand the proof! 

SLY. — (Satisfied) Yes, let dem brove it. 

JUST. — Wal, I guess maybe ye had better prove what ye can for we dont 
want no one goin away feelin they haint had jestice in my court. 

POE. — Officer, call in the X-ray photographer who is waiting outside. 

POLICE. — Oilroight! (Calls out door L) Hey, there, come in — we want 
you. 

ALL. — (Great excitement). 

PEOF. — (Enters L with large camera on tripod) Where's the patient? 

JUST. — The defendant will take the chair. 

CHOL.— (Sits in chair C.) 

25 



jgST. — (To Prof.) We want to know pretty gol durned quick if this 
young man has a heart in him or not. 

PROF. — Very well. (Places camera down C and points it at Cholly). 

JUST. — (Gets out of range behind table). 

ALL. — (Show interest). 

PROF.— (After a moment pulls out a large blank sheet of paper or card 
board and holds it so all can see, including the audience). I find here a 
most remarkable phenomenon. The young gentleman has no heart. 

ALL. — (Applaud) . 

SLY-LAW.— (Overcome). i . 

LAW .—(After a pause) We want proof that the young lady has it. 1 he- 
camera may have played us a trick. m 
JUST.— Guess yer right. (To Prof.) Take the young woman s picture. 
OK.— (Takes chair C). 
PROF.— (Same business as before, pulls out large sheet on which are two 

red hearts). ,•; .■ ■. ■'■ 

JUST. — Wal, I'll be gol durned! (Collapses in chair). 

SLY.— (Is all in). 

ALL. — (Excited, applaud loudly). 

PROF. — You see here a most remarkable thing indeed! A person with 
two hearts and they beat as one. 

SLY.— That beats me! 

POR. (To Prof.) Thank you for your services. Your bill will be paid 

this very day. 

PROF. — Are there any more patients? 

POR.— No. . _ . /T . 

JUST. — Hold on! Dont no one else want their pictures took? (Looks 
about). Wal, I guess not. Ye can go. 

PROF. — (Bows, takes camera and exits L). 

POR. — Your honor, is the evidence substantial enough? 

JUST.— Wal, I guess yes! 

POR. — Then we move that this case be dismissed. 

LAW.— (Rising) We object! This is trumped up evidence. 

SLY. — Dey are drying to sheat me! 

JXJST— Wal, you wouldnt take the money and according to law you cant 
go to butchering that young man in this court. The ease is dismissed. 

SLY. — (Collapses). ' . _■■',, ^ , , 

ALL.— (Excitedly). Rah! Rah! Rah! Portia! Rah! Rah! Rah! 
Cholly! Rah! Rah! Okissa! WV'i 

CHOL— (Shakes Portia's hand) Portia, you're a brick I 

OK. — Isnt she though! We can never repay her. 

POR. — I dont want you to. 

ALL. — (From R, crowd around them). 

SLY. — (To Law) Gif me my monies pack! 

LAW. — For why? 

SLY. — Yo lose the case. You not even earn the money. 

LAW. — I gave you my advice about the law. 

SLY. — You dont know noddings about the law! 

LAW. — And you know nothing about lawyers. 

SLY.— (Attacks Lawyer). 

POL.— (Separates Sly and Law. To Sly.) Now you be good or it 11 be 

$5.00. 

SLY.— (Sinks into chair) I'm mint! (Groans). 

LAW. — (Begins to gather up his books and papers). 

TOM-FOX. — (Enter cautiously L. They look dejected and shabby). 

2fi 



POLICE. — (Runs to Tom and Fox) Phwat do ye want in court! A 
divorce! 

FOX. — (Timidly) Oh, no! We came to see Papa. 

SLY. — (Coming to) Papa? (Sees Tom and Fox, goes to them all excite- 
ment) Vat! You liaf come pack? Both of you? (Threatens to strike Tom 
with cane). 

ALL. — Down with old Siyfox! A-h-h! 

FOX. — (Comes between Tom and Sly) Dont hurt him, Papa. He's awfully 
^ood to me. 
~ ALL.— (Cheer). 

SLY.— Ah! Groot! 

FOX. — Please take me back — me and Tommy. 

SLY. — Never! You rund avay once — you never get anodder shance. 

GEO. — (Enters L., very lame and ragged — uses crutch). 

SLY. — Vat! You come, too — you plack tifel! (Strikes at Geo with cane 
and koocks his crutch, away). 

GEO. — (Falls to floor, then rises and kneels) Please Mr. Siyfox, I neb- 
ber lope again! Deed I wont — not eben wid Miss Foxy, sah! 

SLY. — I haf noddings to do mit all of you! 

ALL. — (Low murmurs and hisses). 

FOX. — But, Papa, I'll work real hard and so will George. 

GEO.— Deed I will. 

FOX. — And Tommy will work for his board, wont you Tom? 

TOM. — (Meekly) Yes, I'll work for anything I can get. 

SLY. — Den go look up a goot ydb — all of you! 

POLICE. — (Aside) Say, aint he a mean one! (Knock is heard L, Exit L) 

FOX. — (Crying) You used to be so good to me. 

SLY. — But now you dont be mine. 

TOM. — Come, Foxina, we will look out for ourselves. 

POLICE. — (Enters L with a telegram) Mr. Merchant, here's a tiligrim 
fer yez. 

SLY. — (Takes telegram and nervously tears it open — puts hand to head 
and drops telegram*. 

FOX. — Picks telegram up and reads it aloud) "Phoenix, Ariz. Your 
bank at this place was robbed last night. Come at once." I wonder how 
much they got? You must go quick, Papa! 

SLY. — (Groans) I cant leave my pusiness! 

TOM. — But we will take care of it, if you say so. 

SLY. — A-h-h! Oh, veil, vat can I do? (Shakes cane at Tom and Fox) 
But mind you must lose noddings! And dont dake any more ponds! (Exit L) 

POLICE. — (Looking after Sly) My, my, but aint he a mean one! (Calls) 
I dont care if you never come back! 

HAR. — (Coming down to Tom and Fox, greets them) There is so much 
excitement here today that the bunch dont seem to pay much attention to 
you folks. We are glad to see you back just the same! 

ALL. — (Loud and long cheers). 

JUST. — An dont ye be as hard on the students as yer old man was. 

FOX. — We'll treat you all to free soda water today and make ten per cent 
discount on all goods sold while Papa is gone, wont we, Tom! 

TOM. — Well, I guess yes! 

ALL— (Cheer). 

BRID. — (Coming down) An I'll be yer first customer. I'll order a few 
little things fer a big double widding that I do the bakin fer on nixt Thurs- 
day afternoon. 

QUICK CURTAIN 
End of Play. 

27 



THE BUG HUNTER 

A New Drama in Three Acts 
By Harry L. Dixson. (Copyrighted) 



CAST: 



LEWIS RUTLEDGE — An escaped criminal. Real name, James Bradley. 
NIOHE HARTLEY— Owner of the Hartley Farm. Roth father and mother 

to Alfie. 
SID BAOTLETT— iChief of Police. "The hull works." 
PERRY .HAiLCOMB— Hartley's hired man. Working to get an education 
SI BAKER — A country youth — not so slow. 
MRS. SQUlIRES^She runs things—also her husband. 
ANASTASIA RACiKUS— Works at Hartley's. "Can't learn nothin". 
ALFIE HARTLEY— Only child of Nobe Hartley. All he lives for 

SYNOPSIS: 

ACT I. — The Hartley Farm, near Oherryville. "Jest afore noon." Early 

summer. The stranger. 
ACT II. — 'Scene 1: The living room in the Hartley home. Evening. 

About three months later. The accusation. 

Scene 2: iSame as Act II., Scene 1. A few moments later. The 
sacrifice. 
ACT III. — Same as Act IT. The next evening. The reward. 

PROPERTIES. 

ACT I. 

Two wooden benches. Rustic fence. Flowers, vines, etc. Kitchen 
chairs. Water barrel. Milk pans, pails and cans. Two pails, one for 
drinking water. Tin dipper. Water. Wash basin. Cake of soap. Two 
towels, one partly soiled. Comb on long string. Three or four sticks of 
stove wood. Stick with small fish on it. Stick and line for fish pole. 
Market basket. Several store bundles. Palm leaf fan. Revolver or gun 
with blank shell. Telegram and envelope. Large black pocket book. 
Two large grips, "Bug House" on one. Coin. Small bottle with cork. 
Large tape 'measure. Small note book. Napkin. 

ACT II. 

Table and cover. Four common chairs. Rocking chair with 
a cushion. Small stand and cover. Hat rack. Window curtains. Old 
lantern, to light. Two lighted lamps. Matches. Carpet slippers. Plate 
or dish filled with apples. Newspaper. Cheap novel. Large tan pocket 
book. Twelve paper bills. 

ACT III. 

Same as Act II, with the following added: Small mirror, fancy candy 
box, some hard, dirty candy, handcuffs, old musket, several large, flat 
pasteboard boxes, knitting and work bag. 

WARDROBE. 

MRS. SQUIRES— ACT I: Common dark colored calico dress, white 
apron, sunbonnet, old-fashioned black mitts, iron gray hair; age, about 

1 



fifty. ACT II: Plain dress of coarse material, cape or heavy shawl; 
bonnet. 

NOBE HARTLEY— ACT I: Old overalls, old colored shirt or jumper, 
large straw hat, boots, blue bandanna handkerchief, steel bowed glasses, 
iron gray hair. Age, about fifty-five. ACT II: Old suit, old shirt, boots, 
old felt hat, wears vest unbuttoned. ACT III: Same as ACT II. 

ALFEE HARTLEY — ACT I: Neat summer house dress, low shoes, 
fancy sunbonnet or straw hat, work apron. Age, eighteen or twenty. 
ACT II: Neat dress, light throw or shawl, long wrapper and slippers. 
ACT III: Plain house dress. 

SID BARTLETT— ACT I: Old-fashioned suit, slouch hat, big tin star 
on coat, boots, chin whiskers. Age, forty-five or fifty. ACT II: Same 
as ACT I. ACT III: Loud colored blanket, Indian war bonnet or fancy 
Indian head band with several feathers stuck in it, star pinned on 
blanket. 

ANASTASTA BACKUS— ACT I: Old calico dress, little straw hat, old 
shoes, hair done up in tight braids. Age, about fifteen. ACT II: Calico 
dress, better than last act, old shoes. ACT III: Comedy dress and hat. 

SI BAKER — ACT I: Old overalls and shirt, small straw hat, boots 
(clothes and hat are too small for him). Age, about seventeen. ACT II: 
Overalls, old shirt, coat, boots, old felt hat. ACT III: Overalls, white 
shirt, high collar, loud bow tie, ill-fitting, loud suit, light colored stiff hat, 

LEWIS RUTLEDGE — Gray business suit, straw hat; can wear mus- 
ta n- Age, about thirty. ACT II: Dark suit, cap. ACT III: Same as 
AC'jl II; wears hat. 

PERRY HALCOMB— ACT I: Neat fitting and clean overalls and shirt, 
work shoes, large straw hat. Age, about twenty. ACT II: Neat suit, 
new hat, etc. ACT III: Same as ACT II. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS: 

The actor is supposed to be on the stage facing the audience. R 
means right. L is left. C is center. RC right of center. DC left of 
center. D or down is toward front of stage. U or up is toward rear 
of stage. DR i3 down right. DL is down left. RU is up right. LU is 
up left. X means to cross. 

R R.C. C. L.C. L. 



>7GT X 



H I I I I Mi l l I. I I I > I 



-~Po*c/f 





BEN<-H 



ftOUf£ 




o 



SCENE: The Hartley Farm. Landscape drop at back of stage. House 
R — , with porch and steps. Wood wings R and L. Fence across stage 

2 



at back with gate or stile in center. Old wooden bench L of gate with 
pans, milk pails and milk cans on it. Another old bench dawn in front 
of house with rain barrel, with some water in it, to R of it. On this 
bench is a wash basin and cake of soap, also a bucket of drinking wa- 
ter with a dipper. A large slop bucket stands by barrel. A partly soiled 
towel hangs on post of porch, also a comb on long string. On the porch 
is a common chair with a palm leaf fan on it. About the yard are flow- 
ers and vines of various kinds. 

If you have no porch with steps for front of house, a very nice rustic 
one can be made to set in front of house. Use small tree trunks for the 
posts and make a rude frame work for the top. Cover all with vines, 
artificial or real, and the effect is fine. At the proper time of year you 
can get small trees a-nd branches and set them in blocks for small 
shrubs, etc., and these can be nailed to the floor. The stage is then 
covered with cut grass. Have the stage plan all laid out and cut your 
foliage, etc., late in the afternoon and it will be quite fresh at night. All 
this will take some time and care, but you will be surprised at the 
pleasing effects you can work out in this manner. 

;MRS. SQUIRES — (Enters LU at rise of curtain and comes through 
gate C. She carries a market basket with store bundles in it. Looks 
about, goes to door of house R and knocks, stands looking albout a mo- 
ment, then knocks again. Goes to edge of porch, pause, comes down 
steps). Don't seem to be nobody to hum. (Sighs) My, I'm all tuckered 
out. (Sets basket on porch, pushes sunbonnet back from face a little). 
Didn't thing it would git so hot when I started out. Thet Alfie's off 
gaddin, I spose, instead of tendin things. Edication does spile some 
people. (Comes C) Bout all they ever do is teach school an git mar- 
ried. (Short pause, looking about) Wonder where thet Tasia is? Galar 
vantin round somewhere, too, I spose. She haint wuth her salt! I 
know cause she worked fer me a hull day onct. (Pans herself with 
her apron). 

NOBE HARTLEY — (Enters RU below house, mopping forehead with 
blue ibandanna handkerchief as if extremely warm. Starts in awkward 
surprise on seeing Mrs. Squires. Bows) Why, howdy do,. iMis Squires. 
Didn't know you was here. Ben waitin long? 

MRS. — Jest got here. Thought I'd stop in an cool off a bit. 

NOBE — Thet's right. Glad you did. Come in the house. (Starts for 
porch) 

MRS. — No, thank you, Mr. Hartley. I'll hev to be goin in a minute. 

NOBE 1 — I'll git you a cheer. (Gets chair and fan from porch) 

MRS. — (Holds up hand in protest) Don't you mind doin nothin of 
the kind. I'll set on the bench. (Starts toward bench below house) 

NOBE— (Places chair a little R of €) There, take thet. You'll find 
it more comfortable like. 

MRS.— (Sits in chair RC) Thank you. 

NOBE — (Hands fan to Mlrs.) 

MRS. — (Takes off sunbonnet and fans herself) Pears ibout the hot- 
test day this summer. I got all fagged out walkin down to town. 

NOBE — It's quite a ways from your place. (Goes R) 

MRS. — Taint so orful fer, hut I guess we're gettin old. 

NOBE — I guess we be. (Sits on bench in front of house and wipes 
forehead) 

MRS. — Wouldnt a gone down town only Joe alius lots on his coffee 
fer dinner an we was plum out. 

NOBE. — Guess we could let you hev some. 

MRS. — (Paying no attention to remark) Had some eggs to take to 



the store any way. They hain't wuth much now, but we figure thet 
year in an year out it pays to keep chickens. 

NOBE — Guess tenet's what the feller thought what stole our'n last 
week. 

MRS. — Hain't you found out nuthin bout 'em? 

NOBE^Not a thing. 

MRS. — Tuk all you hed, too, so I hear. 

NOBE — Left the old Dominick rooster. He want no spring chicken 
an I guess they knowed it. (Laughs a moment) Perry's persuaded me 
to git some full blooded chickens an we're goin to git Rhode Lsland 
Reds. Costs us some to git started, but Perry says it don't cost no 
more to keep 'em an they'll pay better in the long run. 

MRS. — Me an' Joe can't afford no fancy chickens. (Slight pause) But 
we wouldn't mind changin eggs with you. 

NOBE — (Smiles knowingly) Course not. (Wipes face) 

MRS.— You seem all het up. What you ben doin? 

NOBE — Ben trying to mow the yard. You see we got a lawn mower 
now. 

MRS.— (Disgusted) Humph! 

NOBE — Alfie said we could cut the grass more stylish an everyone 
hed one down in Staceyville where she ben goin to school. B'gosh, if 
they all run as hard as our'n, they kin hev all they want an I won't kick. 

MRS. — (Slight pause) Alfie gone visitin? 

NOBE — No, not zactly — she jest run down to see the Stuart girls. 
They're goin to git up some entertainment or somethin fer the church. 
Guess it'll be something new. 

MRS. — The old kind is good nough fer me. Them Stuart girls is 
most too citified yet to be mixin in our affairs. Thought they'd move 
on thet old fan i they paid two prices fer an show us how to run things. 
I wouldn't want no girl o' mine to be running round with 'em. 

NOBE: — Well, they be kind o' lively — but thet hain't no bad sign. 

MRS. — You can't alius trust them lively ones. Never know what 
they'll be doin next. GLandsakes! Almost fergot to tell you ibout the 
excitement down town. 

NOBE— What's up now? 

MfftS. — Sid Bartlett got er telergram. 

NOBEi — Some o* his folks dead er somethin? 

MRS. — No, it seems some feller what stole a heap o' money has got 
out o' jail an they're telegraphin all over the country bout it. 

NOBE— You don't say! 

MRS. — An they're offer'n three hundred dollars fer him' 

NOBE — ( Whistles in surprise) 

MRS. — (Paying no attention to Nobe) 'T would be a good thing fer 
Sid's folks if he could git it. Guess they need it bad nough. 

NOBE — Yes, an I guess they'll keep on needin it. He'd be the last 
man on earth I'd ever spect to see git it. 

MRS. — He might sprise us. 

NOBEi — He couldn't sprise nobody. Why the town board made him 
Chief o' Police cause thet was the easiest way o' taking care of his 
family. 

.MRS. — Yes, so I heerd. Oh, yes, there's nuther bit o' news thet might 
intrest you. 

NOBE— Well? 

MRS. — (Busylbody manner) Maybe it hain't news to you. But they do 
say thet the weddin bells is likely to be ringin her abouts one o' these 
days. 



NOBE— You don't say? Whose be they? 

MRS — I d'know's I'd better say anythin — I hain't used to gossipin — 
you know thet — but I thought it my duty to tell you. 

INOlBIEI — I don't know what you mean. 

MRS. — (Leans over confidentially) Why, I mean bout yer Alfie an 
Perry Halcomb. 

NOBE — (iStarts in surprise) 

MRS. — (Holds up hand) There, I hope you won't think I'm meddlin, 
but it's common talk. 

NiOiBEr— (Rising) What's common talk? 

MRS. — Why, thet he's actin sweet on Alfie, an fer a long time, too. 

NOBE^Humph! 

MRS. — Why, way back in April at Deacon Allen's sociable me an Mis 
Slocum was talkin bout it an — 

NOBE — Tain't nobody's business if they is sweet on each other — an 
1 don't know as they be. 

!M!RS. — You might not see it as tother folks do, seein as yer with 'em 
all the time. But taint thet they're talkin bout so much as it's he's 
your hired man. 

NOBE — ((Hotly) An what's thet got to do with it? Perry's a. man, 
every inch of him. He's ben here two summers, but it didn't take me 
thet long to find thet out. He ain't afraid o' work an he does it honest. 
What's more, he knows more now bout good farmin then some of us 
who have Iben at it all our lives. I don't mind tellin you thet it was him 
thet hed my cows tested an found out thet five of 'em want no good. 
An it was him thet got me to buy them Holsteins to take their place. 
You neighbors all laughed at me, but I got thirty dollars more for milk 
last month than ever before. I figure thet's wuth somethin, an I've got 
Perry to thank fer it. He's earnin money now to go back to the Farm 
School agin this fall. 

MiRS. — (Abruptly) To waste it, you mean. 

NOBE — No he won't. I tell you he hain't no common young feller an 
I wish they was more jest like him. 

MiRS. — (Putting on sunbonnet and preparing to go) I hope I hain't 
offended you any. I wouldn't a said it only I thought you ought to 
know. (Confidentially) I make it a pint never to repeat nuthin. Well, 
guess I'll hev to be goin. (Rises, goes to porch and gets basket) 

NOBE — I don't see no sense in such talk. 

'MRS — Oh, I spose there's nuthin out o' the way — (but people will talk 
you know. (Picks up basket) Well, I must be goin! Landsakes, but 
hain't it hot! There' I most lugged off yer fan. (Lays fan on chair R 
C) Much 'bleeged to you. (In gateway, looks at sky) Looks like it 
might rain agin. (Going R) And we hain't hed rain fer two hull days. 
(EXit RU) 

NOBE' — (Aside) The cantankerous old tattler! (Goes up and stands 
in gate, pause, then speaks aside) Better stay ter hum and mind yer 
own business. (Comes doiwn and sits in chair RC, wipes face, neck, 
etc., furiously) Tain't no wonder Joe Squires don't dast say his soul's 
his own. 

ALFIE HARTLEY— (Enters RU, and comes through gate C) 

NOBCET — A woman like thet 'd tame most any man. 

ALFIE — (Has started toward house R, hears !Nobe and comes to R of 
him) 

NOBE — A durned good thrashing bout three times a week'd do her 
a heap o' good. 

ALFIE^(R of Nobe) Why, daddy- 

NOBE— ('Startled, looks at Alfie) 



ALFIE — Who in the world needs a thrashing? Not me, I hope. 

NOBE — (Smiling) Why, I didn't hear you come. Jest git back? 

ALFIE — Just this minute. My, /but you are all excited over something. 

NOBE — (Decidedly) Yes, I be. Miss Squires has ben here a gos- 
sipin agin. 

ALFIE — Yes, I met her just now out there in the road. What did she 
s~y? 

NOBE— A hull lot o' things. 

ALFIE — It seems to have made you dreadfully angry. 

NOBE — I know I be. Derned old rattlesnake — not satisfied to talk 
bout tother folks, she hed to come an tattle to me bout you an Perry. 

ALFIE— Perry and I? 

NOBE — Folks is talkin, she says. 

ALFIE — (Laughs lightly) Oh, what of that? People will always talk, 
you know. 

NOBE — Thet's jest bout what I told her only I didn't say it so easy 
like. 

ALFIE — (Standing behind Nobe, her arms about his neck) Never 
m nd her, daddy. Perry is a nice boy and I do like him, but there is 
nothing serious between us, so who cares what the gossips say. 

NOBE, — (Patting Alfie's hands) Spose we shouldn't care, but it made 
me dummed mad jest the same. 

ALFIE — (Coming down R of Nobe, kneels by him) Let's forget all 
about it. 

NOBE — iSometimes when they git to criticism thet way I think I 
hain't done right by you. I've hed to be a mother to you ever sence you 
was two year old, an a man's way ain't a woman's way when it comes 
to thet. 

ALFIE — (Looks up into Nobe's face) You dear, old daddy! 

NOBE — (Arm about Alfie's shoulder) Most the last thing afore yer 
mother died she made me promise to keep you an (bring you up, an I 
done the best I could. 

ALFIE — (Rising) You're just the very, very best daddy that ever was. 
(Kisses Nobe) 

NOBE — (Smiles, slight pause, then brightly) Git thet sociable all 
fixed up? 

ALFIE — Oh, it's just talk so far, but it will open everybody's eyes. 

NOBE — I hope you do. 

ALFIE — But there, I must start dinner. Where's Tasia? 

NOBE — iHeven't seen her all morning. She ain't much help to you 
anyway. 

ALFIE — >She hasn't been here long, you know, and at home she never 
learned anything about housework. She won't toe toad help after awhile. 
(Goes to house R) 

NOBE — I hev my doubts. (Rises) 

ALFIE — (Laughs lightly) Well, send her in when she comes. (Enters 
house R) 

iNOBE — (Calls after Alfie) All right. (Goes to toench in front of 
house R and is about to dip wash toasin in barrel). 

SID — (Enters LU, comes through gate C) Howdy do — howdy do. 

NOBE' — (Sets wash basin on bench) Why, howdy do, Sid. 

SID — (Looks about, then casually) Kind er warm fer so early in the 
day. (During the next few speeches appears uneasy and is looking 
about to see that no one but Nobe is present) 

NOBE — Well, yes, tolerable. (Points to chair RC) Hev a cheer. (Sit 
on bench) 



SID — Nope. (Goes up to gate and comes down again) Too busy to 
keep still a minute. (Slight pause) Folks to hum? 

NOBE — Most of us is. Alfie jest went in the house, Perry's over helpin 
Jim Alexander bug his taters, an Tasia, well, she's "broke loose agin an 
we don't know where to find her. 

iSID — Jim's heving quite a time with thet big tater patch. He was 
down to Slocum's store last night an said he was goin to hev the patch 
full o' hands terday and if the Lord was willin an the crick didn't rise, 
there wouldn't be a bug left by night thet didn't know the taste o' 
Paris Green. 

NOBE — Jim's quite a comic. 

SID — Most makes me laugh right out sometimes. 

NOBE — Things purty quiet down town? 

SID' — Jmportantly and in an off-handed manner) Toleraible so. (Al- 
ways accents the "so") 

NOBE — Spose now yer Chief o' Police you'll be hevin more to do. 

SID 1 — Well, I guess so. I jest came down here to see you." (Coming 
down to Nobe) Kind o' wanted to see you when you's alone. 

NOBE — Yer chanct is mighty good jest now. 

GUN— (A gun shot off stage LU) 

'SID — (Startled, hurries up to gate C and looks off L) Wonder what 
they're shootin at? 

IN'OBE — (Going up RC) You seem to be a leetle might gun shy. 
Chuckles) 

SID — (Still looks L) Thought it might be someone carryin con- 
gealed weapons. 

NOBE — (Laughs to self) Guess it's Lem Truman shootin crows. 
(Turns down C) 

SID — (Comes down to L of Nobe and take out large, black pocket 
book) I got er telergram last night. 

NOBE— So I heerd. 

SID— (Surprised) Who tole you? 

NOBE — Mis Squires was here a bit ago an we was talkin bout it. 

SID' — She's alius tattlin — fust thing she knows she'll he interferin with 
the law. (Rubs star with L sleeve) There an old sayin — "Never trust 
yer secrets to no woman" — an I guess it's right. 

NOBE — .(Sits in chair RC) I never hear of anybody gettin telergrams 
but I git skeerd — maybe someone's gone an died er somethin. 

SID — (Takes telegram out of pocket book a.nd looks it over) Thet's 
jest the way I used to feel, (but now I'll be gettin used to it I spose. 
(Hands telegram to Nobe) 

NOBE — (Takes telegram, puts on steel bowed glasses) 

'SID — You see lots' of our business is done by telergrams an I'll soon 
be writin lots on 'em. 

NOBE — (Is looking over telegram) 

SID- — (Slight pause, looking over Nobe's shoulder) Read er right out 
loud. 

INOBE— (Reads) "Chief of Police, Cherry ville." 

SID — (Braces up) 

INOBE — (Continues to read) "Escaped from Drake County Jail, Edger- 
ton, James Bradley, held for robbery — age thirty — medium height — dark 
complexion — wore gray suit — may appear de-men-ted — three hundred dol- 
lars regard — if captured, hold and notify Henry Shank, Sheriff of Drake 
County." (Short pause, studying telegram) Must want him bad, of- 
ferin three hundred dollars fer 'im. 

SID — Well, I should say so. An Jim down at the deepot says thet 
telergram cost seventy^five cents jest to send it. 



NOBE — (Loud and emphatic — slaps telegram with back of R hand) 
Thet's the way them dumned county politicians run things — alius spend- 
in money. Probably if they had ben tendin to business, the feller'd 
never got away. (Hands telegram back to Sid) 

SID — Indicates telegram) I showed this to the boys down to the store 
last night an none on 'em could say what "de-men-ted" was. A travellin 
feller spoke up an said "Bug House" was it, but I'll be goldurned if I 
kin find out 'what "Bug House" is. Thet's kind o' the reason I wanted to 
see you. I thought you might know. (Puts telegram back in pocket 
book and in pocket) 

NOBE — I hain't quite certain on it, but I guess if you look up "de- 
men-ted" in some dictrony, you'll find it means the man's crazy. 

SID — (Surprised) You don't say so? 

NOBE— (Nods) Yep. 

SID — (Thoughtfully) Guess it's wuth three hundred dollars to take a 
feller what's crazy, but I've ben doin my duty all the time an if the 
criminal (goes up C) comes into my hands, I'll tackle him crazy er no 
crazy (Comes down C, bravely. Shakes forefinger at Nobe) There's 
all is a way of handlin them things, 'Nobe, an I'm studyin of it all the 
time. Ben readin them Sherlock Holmes books sense I was lected an 
durned if I ain't gettin most as good as him some ways. 

NOBIE — Never heerd on him. 

SID — Why, he a great detecative what can hunt crime and criminals 
'by jest lookin at things. 

NOBE — Y'll git a chanct now ter see if you can do like him, I guess. 

SID — And I kin show y'ou I'm prepared to do it. Why lots er things is 
plain to me now thet tother folks can't see head ner tail to. 

NOBE — iNow, Sid, you'd better give up readin them Shylock Homer 
detecative stories an quit trying to spy out things tother folks kin see 
when they're plain as daylight. We don't need no detecative down 
town. We want a man to see thet the common laws is obeyed, an when 
a big crime is committed — why we kin send an git a detecative. 

SID — 'Now, that's jest where you make a mistake. By bein able to 
handle crime, why I kin save the town lots o' money. 

NOBE — (Well, maybe, but how ibout thet telergram? While me an you 
is talkin thet James Bradley may come an go an you never see 'im. 

SID — Is thet so? Do you think I'm fool nough to fergit him? I've 
been watchin fer him you bet. You see there's two ways he can come 
into town. He kin ride some animal or vehicle er he can walk. All 
the roads coming into town cept the railroad meets at Slocum's store 
an from there you kin see the railroad track jest the tother side the 
water tank. Thet's what we call the vantage pint an I've been settin 
there on a salt barrel all mornin waitin an watchin. 

NOBE — An you jest sot there an let the passenger train go by with- 
out you bein at the deepot? 

SID — An do you think so? You bet I didn't fergit it. Says I, this is a 
three hundred dollar job an hang the expense, so I got Jim Camp-bell 
to go to the train fer me — thinkin the store were more important. I 
gev him ten cents an it only tuk him nine minutes — thet's pretty good 
pay. 

NOBE^(Nods). 

SID — He's wotchin now in my place down to the store. ([Looks down 
road L) 

NOBE — Don't see how you kin afford to be hirin him. 

SID — Oh, he works cheaper when the job's longer. I'm only gevin 
him ten cents fer the rest of the mornin. (Thoughtfully) Guess seein 
as thet Bradley feller's crazy, I'd better keep Jim fer a few days fer I 
may need 'im. 



SI BAKER — (Enters LU, and comes through C. Stops just inside 
gate. He is carrying two large grips. The one in his L hand has "Bug 
House" printed in large letters on its side. He holds this side so the 
audience can see it) Howdy! 

NOBE-SID— (Turn quickly). 

NOBE — Good morning, Si. 

SID — (Importantly goes to R of Si) Why bean't you in school terday? 

SI — (Drops grips L of gate, "Bug House" so the audience can see it) 
Can't you see I'm workin? (Stretches arms) 

SID — Yes, ibut yer not workin all the time and ye've got to go to school. 
I'll hev you boys understand thet when I was lected Chief o' Police I 
swore to do my duty, an I'm doin it. 

NOBE — (Nobe has been looking at grips, now rises and goes up RC a 
little) Whose setchels hev you got? 

SI — (Pointing to grips) Them belongs to a feller what got of fen the 
train. 

SID — (Surprised) What train? 

SI — The passenger train, er course. 

SID— (Glances at Nobe). 

SI — We'd ben here long ago, only he keeps stoppin an lookin in the 
grass. 

SID — '(To Nobe) Was you spectin company? 

NOBE — Not thet I knows on. (To Si) Sure he's comin here? 

SI — Yes, he's comin. Least he told me to ibring them setchels up here. 

SID — (Slyly) Is he dark complected — kind o' medium tall? 

SI — Guess so. 

SID— Acts kind o' de-men-ted? 

SI — Never seen a feller what's got that. (Looks at grips and backs 
away) Is it ketchin? 

NOBE: — Sid means is he actin crazy — kinder queer like. 

SI — Never seen a feller what was real crazy, but he's kind o' queer — 
keeps diggin in the grass all the time an a talkin to hisself. 

SID— (Excitedly) B'gosh, I bet it's thet feller an he's comin right 
into my hands. Y'd better stand round, Nobe, you know I may need yer 
help. (Goes to Nobe and stands close to him) 

SI — (R of gate) Say, what's yer all talkin bout? Is there goin to be 
a fight? 

SID — (Bravely. Rubs star) Well, I guess ther may be — but it won't 
last long. 

LEWIS RUTLBDGE — (Enters LU, carrying handkerchief folded up. 
Enters gate C, stops) Good morning, gentlemen. 

NOBE^SID— Howdy do. 

SID — (Eyes Lewis suspiciously) 

LEWIS — (Going to grips) Beautiful morning. (Opens one of the 
grips and takes out a small bottle. Comes C a little) 

NOBE — Yes, an jest what we need fer the corn. 

LEWIS — '(Takes insect from handkerchief and puts it in bottle. Holds 
bottle up) There you are, old 'boy, in spite of the chase you gave me. 

NOBE-SIDnSI — (Crowd up close and watch Lewis) 

NOBE — (Aside to Sid) Nothin but a big grass hopper. (Laughs) 

LEWIS — (Overhearing remark) Yes, but it's one of the best speci- 
mens I ever saw. Here, boy, here's two bits for 'bringing those grips up 
here. (Holds out quarter to Si) 

SI — (Comes forward grinning and takes the money) Gosh! 

SID — (Aside to Nobe) A hull quarter! 

SI — (Looks at money in hand, then at Lewis, and grins bashfully) 

9 



Thank you. (Starts to go then stops suddenly) Say, do you want me 
to carry 'em back? 

LEWIS— Maybe— I'll let you know. 

SI— All right, I'll be ready. 

SID — (Officiously) Now, you git to school! 

SI — (Makes face at Sid) 

SID— (Starts for Si) 

SI— (Runs off LU) 

LEWIS — (Laughs lightly at Si's hurried exit, then turns) I'm looking 
for Mr. Hartley. 

NOBE — I'm No'be Hartley. (Cross to Lewis) What kin I do fer you? 

LEWIS — (Shakes hands with Nobe) Pleased to meet you, sir. 

NOBE— Same to you. 

LEWIS — They tell me down at the station that you keep summer 
boarders and I came to see if you would take me. 

NOBE — (Hesitatingly) Well, we do sometimes — Alfie says it's con- 
siderable trouble, but it kind o' helps out on her pin money, fer she 
gits the pay. 

SID — (Has walked up around Nobe and Lewis and is slyly looking at 
grips) 

LEWIS — 'She won't have to go to any extra trouble on my account. 

NOBE — Want to stay all summer? 

LEWIS — I really don't know. It all depends on hoiw: certain affairs 
turn out. 

SID — (Aside, nods head and looks wise) 

NOBE — What be you — an agent? 

LEWIS — IWell, hardly. (Wipes neck with handkerchief) 

SID — Be you a travellin feller? 

LEWIS — I should say not. (Pulls down cuffs) Guess again. 

NOBE— I gev up. 

SID— (Aside) Not me. (Aloud) I see you hev a sign on yer setchel. 
What does thet mean? 

LEWIS — (Laughing) Oh, the boys at college put that on there some- 
time ago. They said I was "Pug House." 

SID— (Startled) 

LEWIS — (With more confidence) And better have my sign out. They 
poke fun at me because I am an Entomologist. 

NOBE — Is thet anything like a somnambolist? 

LEWIS— (Laughs heartily) Hardly. 

NOBE — I'd a cousin marry one o' them fellers and she'd the dumn- 
dest time keepin track o' him nights. 

LEWIS — Some men have that same fault without being somnam- 
bolists. 

NOPE — (Laughs) Guess yer right. 

SID — (Aside) What are they talking about? 

LEWIS — I am collecting insects for the college. In other words, I'm 
a 'bug hunter. 

NOBE — You can't make much ketchin bugs, I should think. 

LEWIS — Oh, it helps out in vacation — we college boys do most any- 
thing to pay our way — mow lawns and — 

NOBE — (Quickly slaps Lewis on back) You're jest the man I'm look- 
in fer. We got a bran new lawn mower — hain't even broke it in yet. 

LEWIS — It will be good exercise. 

NOlBE^Maybe you need it — I don't. 

SID — (Has been restless, now breaks in) An you say you come on 
the train? 

LEWIS — Yes, of course. 

10 



SID— I didn't know anybody got off en the train this mornin. 

LEWIS— Oh, I didn't get off at the station. You see I was out late last 
night and I was peacefully sleeping when the "Con" told me iwe had 
passed Cherry ville. They let me off at the water tank and I walked 
back. It's a long walk, too. 

NOBE— Most a mile. 

LEWIS— (To Nobe) Well, how ahout it, Mr. Hartley, will you take me? 

NOBE— ('Starting toward house R) I'll go see Alfie. (At porch) 
Can't promise nothin till I see her. (Enters house R) 

SID — (DC, slyly) Don't spose you know who I be? 

LEWIS— (RC) Well, I can't say that I do. 

SID.— (Proudly) I'm the Chief of Perlice. (Rubs star) 

LEWIS— Indeed. 

SID — The hull works. 

LEWIS— That's quite an honor. 

SID — Well, I guess so. Thought I might jest as well tell you. You'd 
find it out somehow an I wanted you to git it straight. 

LEWIS 1 — What's the name, please? 

SID — Jest common Sid Bartlett. 

LEWIS— Glad to know you, Mr. Bartlett. (Shakes Sid's hand) 

SID — (Confused) Same to you. 

LEWIS — (Looking about the yard, etc. Remarks casually) Have 
much crime around here? 

SID— (With meaning) Well, we hain't yit, but I'm prepared to handle 
any what turns up. I hain't very big, but I'm alius ready an there 
ain't nobody kin bluff me. (Poses) That's the kind of a bean I am. 

LEWIS— (Smiles) Indeed. (Turns and looks at house R) 

SID — (Aside) Guess thet will hold 'im fer awhile. 

LEWIS — (Still looking about) This seems like quite a nice place. 

SID— -Yes, tolerable. 

INOBE — (Enter from house R) Well, we kin keep you fer awhile, but 
you'll hev to take jest (what we got — no fancy cooking, but jest plain, 
hullsome food. 

LEWIS— Fine! That's just what I am looking for. 

ADFIE — (Enters from house R. Has large work apron on — shows 
great surprise) Why, Mr. Rutledge, how do you do. I'm surprised to 
see you. (Goes to Lewis and shakes hands). 

iSID— (Aside) I'll be durned! 

LEWIS — (Confused) I'm somewhat surprised myself. 

NOBE — I never noticed I didn't know yer name, M<r. Rutledge. 

ALFIE — (To Nobe). I met MR. Rutledge when I was at school in 
Staceyville. (To Lewis) But what in the wide world ibrings you here? 

LEWIS — (Confused) Oh. — (Short pause) why — I'm collecting insects 
for the college. 

NOBE— (To Alfie) Lookin fer bugs. 

ALFIE — (To Nobe) Yes, I know. (To Lewis) So you are interested 
in entomology? 

LEWIS — Yes — always — could I have a drink of water? 

NOBE— (Points to bucket on bench in front of house) There's the 
bucket. Help yerself. 

ALFIE-NORE— (Converse aside) 

LEWIS — (Goes down to bench and takes drink. Aside) Rutledge is 
a good name; I'll keep it. 

ALFIE — (Goes to house) Come in, Mr. Rutledge, and see the room 
we can give you. Maybe you won't want to stay after you see it (laughs) 
and sample some of my cooking. 

LEWIS— I'm not a bit afraid of that. 

11 



ALFIE^LEWIS— (Enter house R). 

NO-BE— (To Sid) Not a bad kind o' feller. 

STD — B'gosli, Nofoe, thet's the criminal — jest like the telergram says 
he is. 

NOBE — (Light laugh) Oh, he's jest a college feller lookin fer bugs. 
Don't you remember thet tother feller what was here two year ago a 
gettin grasses an leaves fer the college. 

'SID' — Yes, but he was a little dried-up feller. (Points towards house 
R) Better look out fer him. You can't alius tell by lookin at a frog 
jest how far he's goin to jump. Seemed kind o' sprised when Alfie 
called him by name. 

NOBE— But it want -Mir. Bradley. 

SID — Maybe thet was a alibi. I've a durned good notion to rest him. 
(Start) 

NOBE; — (Stops Sid) Beter wait till you git some evidence. 

SID — (Holds out ha,nds with fingers spread) My fingers is jest itchin 
to put 'im in the calaboose. 

AN ASTASIA BACKUS— (Enters L 1 slowly. Has small fish on stick 
and a stick for a fish pole. She drawls her words and is slow and awk- 
ward in all her actions) iS'a-ay. I ben fishin — see what I ketched. 
(Holds up fish) 

NOBE — Crotch all fish-hooks — taint wuth ibringin hum. 

T ASIA— (Admiring fish) Hain't it better'n nuthin? 

NOBE — Thet's bout all. You git in the house quick er you'll ketch 
somethin r/.ore'n fish. Alfie needs you — we got company. 

TASIA— (Drops fish and pole) Who be they? 

NOBE — It's a young college feller lookin fer bugs. 

TASIA — We haint got none. (Begins to primp) 

NOBE — What you tryin to do now? Hurry up an help git dinner. 

TASIA— Yes, sir. 

NOBE — (Points to bench up by fence) Take some o' them pans an 
pails in the house with you. 

TASIA — Yes, sir. (Gets a pan and pail from bench by fence and 
starts for house R smiling in expectancy — falls on steps and drops pan 
and pail. Picks them up and enters house R) 

NOBE — She's a good fer nothin thet's certain — don't earn her salt. • 

SID — Ben a wonderin why you kept her. 

NOBE — Well, her folks is mighty poor an Alfie thought we might 
make suthin out'n her, but I guess taint no use. 

SID — Too poor trash to ibegin with, I reckon. 

NOBE— Guess thet's bout it. 

TASIA — (Enter from house R and stand in front of door) Sa-ay, I'm 
goin to git soms wood. 

NOOBEi — Guess you know where the wood pile is — help yerself. 

TASIA — Yes, sir. (Eixit RU, above the house) 

NOBE. — Thet's jest the way with her — never does nothin out tellin 
someone bout it. Her father is the same way. Guess she inherits it 
from him er maybe she jest comes by it natural like. 

TASIA — (Enters RU, with two or three small sticks of wood, starts 
slowly for house R) 

NOBE — (Not seeing Tasia) She don't know enough to come in out'n 
the rain. 

TASIA — (Holds out hand as though trying to feel rain) Taint rainin, 
is it? 

NOBE — (Laughs) Jes pourin down. 

TASIA — I can't feel it. (At steps, turns) Sa-ay, haint he swell? 

NOBE— Who do you mean? 

12 



TASIA— (Giggling) Why, thet college feller. (Turns and falls on 
steps — picks up wood and enter house R, giggling) 

SID — The gals all seem to like 'im. (Looks at watch) Gosh, I got 
to be goin. (Looks at watch again) Most twelve o'clock. (Starts to- 
wards gate C, but stops when Lewis enters) 

LEfWIS — (Enters from house R) Everything is satisfactory, Mr. 
Hartley. 

NOBE — We'll do the best we kin by you. (Goes to house) Dinner'll 
soon be ready — ef ycfu want to wash up a bit fust, you'll find the wash 
dish on the bench there an there's heaps o' soft water in the barrel. 
(Enters house R) 

LEWIS — Thank you. (Proceeds to wash at bench in front of house) 

SID — '('Short pause) You come to the right place — best eatin any 
where round here. 

LEWIS — But five dollars is a little high for country board. (Takes 
towel from porch post and starts to wipe face) 

SID;— You'll find it's wuth it. 

TASIA — (Enters from house R) Sa-ay, here's a clean towel. (Bash* 
fully holds it out to Lewis. Grins at him) 

LEWIS — Never mind, this one is all right. 

TASIA — (Drops towel on bench and hangs around porch post) I'm 
glad you come. 

LEWIS— (Wiping hands) Indeed. Why's that? 

TASIA — Cauce now we'll hev more preserves to eat. 

LEWIS^-That will be nice. 

TASIA— Do you like 'em? 

LEWIS — Just watch me. (Hangs up towel) 

TASIA — An Alfie says we'll hev things nice now all the time — white 
table cloth on every day and the silver knives an forks. 

LEWIS — Everything fixed up, eh? (Takes comb from pocket and 
starts to comib his hair) 

TASIA — Uh-huh. Sa-ay, do you like sociables? 

LEWIS— What are they? 

TASIA — Church parties. 

LEWIS— Oil. 

TAiSIA-^Do you like 'em? 

LEWISES ometimes. Why? 

TASIA — Cause now you kin take me. Perry, he never takes nobody 
but Alfie. 

LEWIS — (Laughs) That's very selfish — especially when there are 
other nice girls around. (Puts comb back in pocket) 

TASIA,— Who be they? 

LEWIS— Aren't you one of them? 

TASIA- ("Turns away giggling) Now you stop. 

NOBE — (Enter from house R) Tasia, git in the house an help lift the 
vittles— what do you spose we're keepin you fer? 

TASIA — Yes, sir. (Starts for door, smiling back: at Lewis. Bumps 
into side of door — enters house R) 

NOBE — Come, Mr. Rutledge, better set in afore things gits cold. 

LEWIS— Thank you. (Enters house R) 

(NOBE — Haint you comin, Sid? Alfie's set a place fer you. 

SID — No, we got chicken fer dinner — guess I'll be joggin along hum. 

NOBE— C Enters house R) 

SID — (After being sure that Lewis and Nobe are out of sight, cau- 
tiously goes to grips) Wonder what's in them setchels? Thet there 
sign, "Bug House," looks mighty superstitious to me. (Stoops and is 
about to examine grips) 

13 



PERRY HALCDMB— (Enters LU) Hello, Sid. 

SID — (Startled, looks up confused) Why, howdy, Perry — howdy do? 
PERRY — Nice day. (Enters gate C and goes to bench by house R) 
SID — Yep. (Coming down a little) Got them taters bugged? 
PERRY — (Starting to wash face) Every one. Gave them a good dose, 
too. 

SID — (Forced laugh) Kind o' hard on the bugs ain't you? 

PiERRY — I hope so. 

ADFEE — (Enters from house, smiling) (Hello, Perry! 

PERRY — (Looks up from wash basin) Hello, Alfie! 

ALFIE — Thought I heard you. We didn't look for you home for dinner. 

PERRY — (Taking towel from post) We got through sooner than we 
expected. (Wipes face and hands) 

ALFIE — Well, hurry right in, Perry — dinner is all ready. 

PERRY — All right. (Combing hair with comb on post) I'll be there 
in a jiffy. 

ALFIE — (In lower tone) Better put on your coat. We have a boarder 
now:. 

PERRY— (Slight pause, looks at Alfie) That so? 

ALFIE — '(Pleased) And you can't guess who it is. 

PERRY— (laughs) Well, hardly. 

ALFIE — (As though breaking a pleasant piece of news) Mr. Rutledge! 

PERRY— (Thinking) Rutledge? Rutledge? 

ALFIE — Oh — don't you remember — 

PERRY — Oh, yes, I do remember now. (Coldly) He's that fellow at 
Staceyville you're always talking about. 

ALFIE — Now, Perry — 

PERRY — (Laughs half-heartedly) You know you are. You only met 
him once cr twice, but he made quite an impression. 

ALFIE— Perry— 

PERRY— You can't deny it. Well, I'll fix up a little. (Starts to roll 
•down sleeves) 

ALFIE — Do hurry, Perry, for we are waiting. Won't you come in, Sid? 

SID — No, I reckon nox — kind o' busy jest now. 

ALFIE— (Enters house R) 

SID — Thet Rutledge feller says he's down here lookin fer bugs fer 
the college. 

PERRY— (Half aside) Is that all? (Louder) Then he shouldn't 
pass up Jim Alexander's potato patch. He could find all he wants over 
there. (Half-hearted laugh) 

SID — (With meaning and coming closer to Perry) Looks like a slick 
feller — the kind wimmin folks likes. 

PERRY — (Abruptly) Yes, I suppose so. (Buttons collar) 

SID — Better kind o' keep yer eye on 'im. 

LEWIS — (Laughs heartily in house) 

ALFIE — (Laughs in house) Oh, Mr. Rutledge! 

PERRY — (Looks at house with scowl on his face. Slight pause. 
Quick look at Sid and exit quickly into house R) 

SID — (Goes up a little and looks after Perry) Don't think Perry likes 
'im very well an he ain't even seen 'im yet. (Cautiously goes up to 
grips, looks them over, picks them up and lifts them up and down as 
though guessing their weight) Pretty tolerable heavy. Wonder what's 
in 'em? 

LEWIS — (Enters from house R, napkin in hand) I forgot my grips. 

'SID — (Drops grips and steps back) I see you did an I was jest goin 
to bring 'em in to you. Some tramp might a lugged 'em off. 

14 



LEWIS — (Quick searching look at Sid) Thank you. (Takes grips and 
enters house R) 

SID — I'll be gol durned! Fraid some one'd find out what's in 'em I 
spose. I know most nough ibout 'im now to put 'im in the calaboose. The 
clouds o' spertition thet's hanging over 'im is pretty dark. (Looks at 
ground) Thet's one o' his tracks an I'll take it fer it might come in 
handy. (Takes out large tape measure and measures footprint). Twelve 
inches — one foot. (Makes record in small note book) He'll hev a hard 
time a foolin Sid Bartlett, you kin bet on thet. (Exit through gate C, 
going LU. Looks back at house R) I feel jest as sure o' thet three 
hundred now as I do I'll hev chicken fer dinner. (Exit LU) 

CURTAIN. 



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Evening. About three 



SCENE 1: Living room in the -Hartley home, 
months later. 

A plain interior. Window RC in back (not essential). Door LC in 
back. Doors Rl, RU and LU. Large talble down C with cover. A small 
table or stand is L of window. At each end of the large table and in 
front of it is a common chair. Common chair to R of window and (be- 
tween the doors on the R. Old rocking chair with cushion down L. Hat 
rack made of a board with five or six nails, hangs R of door LC. On 
the floor beneath the hat rack is an old lantern and a pair of old car- 
pet slippers. A cheap novel, a newspaper, lighted lamp and plate of 
apples are on table C. Si's hat and an old coat or two hang on hat rack. 

TASIA-SI — (Discovered at rise of curtain seated in front of table C. 
Tasia sits R and Si L. Both are eating apples. Si has mouth full and 
is just finishing an apple. They eat in silence a few. moments, glancing 
at one another foolishly) 

TASIA — Sa r ay, ain't you glad you come here to work out? 

SI — (With mouth full, grins at Tasia) Reckon I be bout as glad as 
you be. 

TASIA — (Giggles) Now you stop. 

SI — Guess I be goin to stay till Christmas. (Takes another apple and 
starts to eat it) 

TASIA — (Glancing at apple plate) Spose the apples'll last that long? 

SI — * (Grins) Well, if they don't, may be I'll give you some candy. 

TASIA— (Looking down bashfully) Oh, SI- 
SI — (Seriously) I will, se if I don't. (Slight pause) Say, you goin 
to*the sociable? 

TASIA — (Shakes head and sighs) Nope — don't know yet. 

15 



SI— (Grins) I be. 

TASIA — Oh, it's goin to be swell! They're all goin to dress up in 
false faces and things. 

SI — I know they be. Why don't you know if you're goin er not? 

TASIA — Haint nobody asked me. 

SI— (Grins and shuffles his feet) Gosh! 

TASIA— (Slight pause) An it ain't stylish to go 'ithout a feller. 

SI — Guess Mr. Rutledge'll be goin with you. 

TASIA — (Shakes head) Nope. Sence Perry went away he's orful 
sweet on Alfie. (Sighs) Spose she's goin 'ith him. 

SI — (Grins) Guess he's kind o' steppin round heir purty good all right. 

TASIA — (Not heeding the remark, sighs) He's an orful swell feller. 

SI — Aw, go on — haint no sweller'n nobody else. It's jest cause he's a 
city feller you girls is all stuck on him. 

TASIA— We haint nuther. 

SI — Yes you- be. But you jest wait. When I git fixed up fer the 
sociable he won't be the only one what's swell. 

TASIA — i(Shaking head slowly) Oan't nobody be sweller as him. 

SI — (Guess Alfie thinks so. I saw him tryin to kiss her tother day. 

TASIA— (Looks doubtfully) Aw, you didn't. 

SI — Yes I did — down to the bridge. 

TASIA— (Giggles) Oh, Si— 

Si—Bet you'd let him kiss YOU. 

TASIA— I wouldn't nuther. 

SI — Aw, bet you would. Bet you'd let most any feller kiss YOU. 
(Slides chair towards Tasia a little) 

TASIA — You don't know nuthin bout it. 

SI — (Grins and slides chair) I bet you would. 

TASIA — (iSmiles, shakes head) Nope. 

SI — (Slides chair closer) Bet you would. 

TASIA, — (Looks down, shakes head) Wouldn't nuther. 

SI — (Leans over, kisses Tasia quickly, laughs) I knowed you would. 

TASIA — (Looks at Si a moment, startled) Si Baker, don't you dast 
do that agin. 

SI — I dast — but I won't. (Grins) 

TASIA — (Pouting) Taint nice to kiss more'n onct anyhow. 

SI — ' (Grins) 'Tis if you want to. 

TASIA — Taint nuther. 

SI — 'Tis. (Tries to kiss Tasia again) 

NOBE — (Enters door LC. Wears coat and old felt hat. Sees Si and 
Tasia, coughs and smiles). 

SI — (Quickly slides chair back to place and starts eating apple 
furiously) 

TASIA — (Confused) Aw — aw — (quickly) Sa-ay, Mr. Hartley, Si says 
my tooth needs fixin. (Points to front tooth) 

SI — (Surprised, looks at Tasia and then at Nobe) Didn't nuther. 

TASIA — (Reaches over and nudges Si to give him the hint) Yes, you 
did. 

SI — (Looks at Tasia in surprise) What you pokin me fer? 

NOBE— (Laughs, starts to remove coat and hat and hang them on rack) 

TASIA— (To Nobe) Well, he was lookin at it. 

SI — Aw, go on. I want nuther. 

TASIA — (Nudges Si again) Yes, you was. 

SI — (Pushes Tasia's hand away) I want. 

TASIO— You was, too. 

SI — (Straightening up in chair) I tell you I want nuther. (Bangs 
fist on table. Rises, angry) 

16 



NOBE — Here, here, fustthing you know you two will be fightin. (Picks 
up carpet slippers. Coming down L of table C) 

■SI— (Starts LU) 

tNOHE— Si, you hain't got that old mare in yet and we want to use 
lier in the mornin. 

SI — (Goes up to hat rack in a provoked manner, puts on hat and 
starts to exit LC) 

NOBE— (At table C, turns to Si) Better take the lantern. (Takes 
chair and sits L of table C) You can't see out there now. It's blacker 
than black cats. (Begins to take off boots and put on slippers) 

SI — (Slowly gets match from pocket and starts to light lantern) 

TASIA — (Slowly goes up around table to Si while he is busy with 
lantern) 

NOBE — (Still busy with boots) An don't you forgit to shut the barn 
door. We don't want to be chasin them calves round agin tonight. 

SI — All right. (Turns and looks at Tasia in disgust) 

TASIA — (Glances at Nobe, then holds face up to Si to be kissed) 

SI — (Looks at Tasia a moment, makes face at her, exits LC, quickly 
slamming door. 

TASIA — (Slight pause looking at door LC. Aside) He's mad now. 
(Slight pause) I don't care. (Sighs, comes down slowly to table C, 
picks up novel, sits R of table and begins to look for her place) 

NOBE — (Looks at Tasia, smiles to himself) When are you goin to 
hev thet tooth fixed? 

TASIA— Don't know yit. 

NOBE — (Takes boots and puts them R of door LC) 

TASIA — (Giggles) Ain't sure it needs fixin. 

NOBE! — (Coming down to chair L of table C) No, I guess you 
haint. (Sits, puts on glasses, picks up newspaper and looks it over a 
moment) Alfie got back yet? 

TASIA — '(Busily reading novel) Nope, not yet. (Short pause, then 
bursts out) Oh, Mr. Hartley, but this is a nice book — the lovers is 
kissin an fightin all the time. An there's a feller in it what stold a lot 
o' money and he's jest like Mr. Rutledge. 

NOBE— Humph! 

TASIA — (Sighs) It's most like Si an me — only they're more stylish. 

NOBE — Seems to me you can't think off nuthin but boys an style. 

TASIA — (Busy in novel and not catching the remark) Uh-huh. 

MRS.— (Slight pause. Knock LC) 

NOBE 1 — There, see who thet is. (Turns and looks LC) 

TASIA — (Provoked, goes up to door LC, reading novel on the way. 
Opens door LC) 

MRS. — Good evenin. 

TASIA— Evenin. 

iNIOBE — (Rises) Even, Mis Squires. Come in. 

MRS. — (Enters LC, wearing heavy wraps) 

NOBE — (Shakes Mrs.' hand) Lay off yer wraps an hev a cheer. 
(Points to the rocker down L) 

TASIA— (Closes door LC) 

MRS.— (Taking off wraps) Can't stay long. 

TASIA — '(Takes wraps and hangs them on hat rack. Goes down to 
table reading novel and sits R of table C) 

NOBE — (As Mrs. begins to remove wraps, starts towards door LC) 
Joe come with you? 

iMIRS. — No, he's down town. I rode as fer as Alexander's to see them 
a minute an walked over here. (Sits in rocker down L and makes her- 
self comfortable) 

17 



NOBE — (Coming down L (of tabie C) Glad you come over. (Sits L 
of table C) 

MRS. — (Takes knitting from work bag and gets ready to knit) Joe's 
goin to stop fer me on his way back. (Knitting and rocking) Don't 
spose you've heerd the news? 

NOBD— ^What's up now? 

MRS. — Why we've bought the hotel over to the Junction. 

NOBE— You hev? 

(MjRS., — (Nods) Yes, we got a good chanct to trade the old farm 
off an we tuk it. 

NOBE — Well, well, I be sprised. 

MRS. — Guess it sprised most everybody. He /wants to git out right 
quick an we're goin to move over there day after termorrer. 

NOBE^— Ye be? Well, well! 

TASIA — (Excitedly 'exclaims over novel) Oh — oh — ooh! 

MRS. — (Jumps. Half aside) There, you made me drop a stitch. 

NOBE — (Turns quickly to Tasia) Tasia, it's time you was in bed. 
We got lots to do termorrer. 

TASIA— (Still reading) Yes, sir. 

NOBE— Come, hurry up. 

TASIA — Aw, can't I finish this chapter — they're goin to the church 
jest now. 

iNOBE — That's a good place to leave them. The ceremony kin wait. 

TASIA— ^Please, cant I stay? 

NOBE— Stay nuthin— git to bed. 

TASIA— Pleaso, Mr. Hartley— 

NOBE— Do as I tell you. 

TASIA — >(Pouts and slowly puts novel on table, starts LIT, slowly) 

NOBE^Hurry up. 

TASIA- -I'm hurryin jest as fast as I kin. 

NOBE — Not fast nough to suit me. (Starts as though to get up) 

TASIA— (Quickly exits LU). 

NOBE — She most drives me crazy. 

MRS. — She does seem provokin. (Slight pause) Hear anything from 
Perry these days? 

NOBE — Yes, Alfie gits letters from him right along. He's doin fust 
rate to the Farm School an says he wants to come hack here agin next 
summer. 

MRS. — He must like it here. 

iNOBE — Guess he does. I told Alfie to write him I was dependin on 
him. 

MRS. — (Slyly) Mr. Rutledge seems to be kind o' cuttin Perry out 
with Alfie. 

NOBE — Hold on — thet's one thing you aoi me can't talk about, fer it's 
bound to make me fightin mad. 

MRS. — Scuse me, I didn't 'tend to hurt yer fellins none. 

NOBE — Then don't say no more bout it. 

ALFIE-LEWIS— (Enters LC) Alfie wears light cape or shawl and 
Lewis wears dark suit and cap) 

ALFIE — Why, good evening, (Mrs. Squires. 

LEWIS— Good evening. 

MRS — Good evenin — good evenin — kind o' chilly out, ain't it? 

ALFIE— Yes, the air is full of frost. 

iM'RS.— Ben out walkin? 

LEWIS — (Exits RU, leaves cap and enters immediately. Comes down 
R of table C and sits. Picks up Tasia's novel and carelessly turns the 
leaves) 

18 



ALFIE — (Hangs wraps on rack and turns, smoothing her hair) We 
w'ere down to see the Stuarts. 

MRS— Thet sociable's goin to be purty good, I hear. 
ALFIE— We hope so. We have it tomorrow night, you know. (Gets 
chair RU and brings it down back of taible C and sits) 

MRS. — Well, it's about time you did — you've ben long nough gettin 
it up. 

ALFIE^Yes, we have been quite a long time, but one thing after 
another has detained us. I suppose you and iMtr. Squires will be there. 

MRS. — I be kind o' curious to see it, but we'll be purty busy termorrer 
an too tuckered out to come. 

NOBE— They jest bought the hotel over to the Junction. 

ALFIE— (To Mrs.) You have? 

MRS. — Yes, traded the old farm fer it. 

ADFIE— Well, I declare! 

MRS. — Yes, an we start movin over there termorrer. (Slight pause) 
When'll you be goin back to the city, Mr. Rutledge? 

LEWIS-^My work at the college doesn't begin until next month, but 
I may go back any time now. 

ALFIE — (Quickly glances at Lewis in a disappointed manner) 

INOBE,— You ought to see the bugs he's ketched— didn't know we had 
so many livin round us. 

MRS. — Heerd he had a good many. 

ALFIE — Wouldn't you like to see them? 

MRS — I would kind o' like to look at 'em if it hain't too much 
bother. 

LEWIS— (Rising) No trouble at all. I will be glad to have you see 
them, but you will have to come to my room. (Starts RU) 

ALFIE-^Coma this way, Mrs. Squires. (Goes RU with Mrs.) 

iMIRS. — In jest a minute. (Puts knitting in work bag and goes RU 
with Alfie) 

LEWIS— (Holds door open RU) 

MRS.— (Aside to Alfie as they exuent) Did you know thet Mary 
Harrington's feller had gone back on 'er? 

IM[RS.-ALFIE— (Exuent RU) 

LEWIS — (Smiles, exits RU, leaving door partly open) 

NOCBE — (Picks up newspaper) She's the durndest gossip in this hull 
town, an thet's saying a good deal. 

SID— (Knock LC) 

NOBE— That must be joe. (Looks LC, calls) Come in. 

SID— (Opens door LC) 

NOBE — Why, good evenin, Sid — come in — come in. 

SID—(Enters LC, looks about) 

NOBE — (Points to rocker down L) Set down and make yerself to 
hum. 

•SID— Nope, haint got no time. Came up here on special and private 
business. 

LEWIS — (Cautiously peeps around door RU, at Nobe and Sid) 

SID — (Looks carefully about room) 

LEWIS — (Dodges out of sight, but immediately comes back) 

SID — (Takes large tan colored book from pocket) Bill Slocum gev 
this to me fer you. (Holds out pocket book). 

NOBE— (Takes pocket book and looks at it) What's that? 

SID — It's the hundred dollars what's comin to you on them taters you 
sold 'im last week. (Points to pocket book) Better count it. 

NOBE — (Removes C bills and begins to count money) 

19 



SID — He's goin away on the nine o'clock train tonight and couldn't 
see you hi: self, so got me to bring it up here. 

NOBE — It's all here — one hundred dollars. 

SID — Bill said you got the top price, fer they was the foest taters he 
ever seed — want a scab on one o' them. 

NOBE — (Looking at money) Guess I better send Perry some o' this, 
fer he showed me how to raise 'em thet way. (Holds out pocket book) 
Here's yer wallet. 

SID — Thet's fer you, too. Bill gev out some to his best customers. 

(NOBE — i (Looking pocket book over) He did? Well, I'm 'bleeged to 
him. (Putting money in pocket book) 

SID— -Oot yer name inside so you kin identify it. 

NOBE — (Looks in pocket book) So it has. Tell Bill I'm much 
'bleeged. (Slight pause, thoughtfully) Kind o' wish he hadn't sent it. 
tonight. (Goes up to hat rack and puts pocket book in inside pomket 
of coat) I don't like keepin money in the house. 

LEWIS — (Very cautiously watches Nobe as he puts money away and 
as Nobe turns he exits RU and closes door carefully) 

NOBE — (Coming back to table) I'll take it upstairs when I go to bed. 
I don't usually lock up the house nights, but I guess I'd better tonight. 

SID — May not do you no good anyway. 

NOBE — (Turn j quickly to Sid) What do you mean? 

SID— Haint thet Rutledge feller still here? 

NOBE— What if he is? 

SID — Nuthing, only I don't trust him no more'n I ever did. 

NOBE— (Smiles) Yer still suspicious be you? (Sits L of table C) 

SID — You !bet I be. (Coming down close to Nobe) All I'm waiting 
fer now is to get all the evidence an then I'll 'rest him. (No matter 
what you and the rest of the town say I'm getting more superstitious o' 
him every day. 

'NOBE — What makes you feel thet way? 

SID — Fust place, what's keepin him here so long? Perry's ben back 
to school most two months. 

NOBE — He don't go to the same school an he don't hev to go back till 
next month. 

SID — Is thet SO? Are you sure thet's the reason? 

NOBE— Thet's what he says. 

SID — An yer foolish nough to believe 'im. I tell you, Nobe, I don't 
believe he's a colleg feller at all. He's one o' them gentlemen convicts 
— the cute kind — but if my sperstitions gits much stronger, I'dd hev to 
'rest 'im no matter what you think. 

NOBE — You'd better not do it on suspicion. 

SID' — If we perlice never did nuthin on superstition we wouldn't be 
wuth our salt. He looks like a crook to ma an I hate to see Alfie a 
running round with him. 

NOBE — (Rise, angry) Now, that's enough! You kin talk bout him 
all you want, but don't you go draggin Alfie into it. 

LEWIS — (Enters RU and listens as before) 

NOBE — An you better be sure you got the right man afore you go 
monkey doodlin round an arrest him. 

;-n> — Now look here, iNobe; I know what I'm doin an don't you fer- 
git that. 

LEWIS — (Startled, listens more intently) 

NOBE — (Sinks into chair L of table C, and appears thoughtful) 

SID — You an Alfie think this feller is Lewis Rutledge, but he ain't 
any more'n I be an I'll hev all the proof one o' these days — see if I 
don't — an when I do — 

20 



MRS.— (Off RU) Well, I'm glad I saw 'em. 

LEWIS — (Swings door RU wide open, smiles) 

MRS .-ALFIE— (Enter RU ) . 

MRS. — Thet's more bugs than I ever spect to see agin — (sees Sid). 
Why, good evening, Sid. 

SID^( Slightly confused) Howdy do— howdy do. (Starting LC) Well, 
Nobe, I guess I'll hev to be joggin back to town. 

MRS. — (Up C) Don't hurry away. It isn't late. 

SID — No — but I got to be on duty. 

NIOIBE — (Absent mindedly) Well, come agin some other evenin. 

SID — Yes, I'll drop in agin afore long — 

LEWIS— (Turns to close door RU) 

SID — (Glances at Lewis) Afore long. (Exit LC) 

ALPIE — (Sees look that Sid gives Lewis) 

MRS. — (Coming down L of Nbbe) How's it happen he's up here this 
time o' night? 

LEWIS — (Turns and paers out window) 

ALFIE — (Goes to Lewis and stands looking at Nobe and then at Lewis) 

iMfRS. — (Going to rocker down L) Got some one to help him out 
down town? (Slits, takes out knitting) 

NOSE— '(Still thoughtful) Didn't say nuthin ibout it. Guess the town's 
quiet nough without no police. 

MRS. — (Busy knitting) Wonder what's keepin Joe so long? He's so 
easy like I alius am afraid he'll make a bad bargain when he's alone 
down town. 

NOBE — (With meaning) Yes, he is easy sometimes. 

VOICE— (Off stage LC) Whoa! 

MRS,— There's Joe now! "Talk of angels and hear their wings." 
(Rises and puts knitting in work bag as she goes up stage) 

NOB©— (Rises) 

VOICE— (Off stage LC) All right, mother. 

MRS, — (Opens door LC), calls) In a minute, Joe. (Closes door) 

NOBE — (Going up LC) Wonder if he won't come in a bit. (Exit LC) 

ALFIE — (Gets wraps from rack for Mrs.) 

MRS. — (Not seeing Nobe exit and busy putting on wraps) No, no, 
we must git hum — twon't do fer us old folks to be out too late. Be- 
sides we got lots to do termorrer. (To Alfie) I hev to kind o' bundle 
up more'n I used to— ^even if I ain't quite so stylish. (Putting on mittens) 
Now do come over an see us after we git settled over to the Junc- 
tion. An you, too, Mr Rutledge, if you happen to be here. 

LEWIS— (Stands R of Alfie) Thank you. 

ALFIE — Oh, I'll be over once in a while. 

MRS. — (Ready to go) There, I guess I'm all fixed. (Bustling to- 
wards door LC) My, but I've kept Joe waiitin. (Kisses Alfie) Good bye. 

ALFIE— Good bye. 

MRS. — (Patting Alfie on shoulder) INow do be sure an come over to 
see us. 

ALFIE^Yes, I will. 

MRS— (In door LC) Good bye, iMir. Rutledge. 

LEWIS — Good bye, and success to the Squires Hotel. 

MRS.— Thank you. (Exit LC, going (L) 

ALFIE — (Stands in open door LC, looking off L) 

LEWIS — (Comes back of Alfie and stands looking out door LC) 

ALFIE — 1( Slight pause. Waves hand off L) Good bye. 

MRS.-VOICE^-(Off LU) Good bye. 

ALFIE — (Closes door LC. Smiles) She'll be a great landlady. 

21 



LEWIS — (Coming down R of table) Never can tell. She may be all 
right. 

ALFIE — (Coming down back of table) 

NOBE — (Enters hurriedly LC, closes door, slaps arms about himself) 
By crickets, but it's sharp out. (Coming down L of table C and taking 
seat) Joe seems to think they've got a good thing in that hotel. (Wipes 
glasses with bandanna handkerchief. Takes newspaper) 

ALFIE — (Laughing) I hope for the best ibut fear the worst. 

NOBE — I see by the paper they heven't ketched the feller yet what 
burgled the Elmdale store two weeks ago. 

LEWIS — (Again glancing through novel) And I guess they never will. 

(NOBE — (Gives Lewis a quick, suspicious look) What makes you think 
that? 

LEWIS' — With a two weeks' start these country police can never over- 
take nim. 

NOBE' — Well, I hope they do. iHe stole bout three hundred dollars. 

LEWIS — (Looking at Nobe, smilling) Is that all? 

NOBE— That's enough. 

LEWIS — (Laughs lightly, places novel on table, going up RU) Yes, 
quite a small fortune. (Exits RU) 

NO-BE — (Looking in paper) Yes, too much to lose. 

ALiFIE|—<( Watcher Lewis exit. Turns to Nobe) Daddy, what's wor- 
rying you tonight? 

NOBE — (Looking at paper) Nothin, I guess. 

ALFIE — (Leaning over table) Yes, there is, daddy. You have been 
so kind of thoughtful ever since Sid left. ((Pause, glances RU, then 
turns to CNtobe again) I saw Sid look suspiciously at Lewis, I mean Mr. 
Rutledge, and just now you did the same thing. 

NOBE — (Patting Alfie on head) Alfia, you're iworryin bout nothin. 

ALFIE — Why did Sid come up here tonight? 

NOBE — He wanted to see me on business and — 

SI — (Enters quickly LC, out of breath) I can't catch ithet old mare. 
Durn her, I chased her more'n fifteen miles, I bet. (Puts out lantern 
and sets it down R of door LC. Hanging up hat) You bet I'll work her 
good an plenty termorrer. 

NOBE — (Laughs) Now don't you do nothin rash. You ain't used to 
it. Better git to bed an make up your mind to git up good an early in 
the mornin. 

SI — (At door LU) All right, but you'll hev to call me. I don't hear 
thet old larm clock more'n nothin. 

NOBE — I'll call you, all right. 

SI— (Exit LU). 

NOBE — (Putting down paper and taking off glasses) It's gettin late. 
We'd all better git to bed. (Rises) 

ALFIE — ( Slowly) Yes, I guess we had. 

NOBE — (Going LU) There's lot o' work fer tomorrer. 

ALFIE — I'll come just as soon as I straighten things up. 

NOBE: — (At door LU) I wouldn't bother too much. 'Good night 

ALFIE — Good night, daddy. 

NOBEr— (Exits LU). 

ALFIE — ( Stands in thought a few moments. Glances after Nobe and 
then towards RU. Sighs. Replaces chair R of window, also the one 
between doors Rl and RU. Straightens the two chairs at table C. 
Smooths cushion i.i rocker. Comes back to table 'C and arranges the 
articles upon it. Looks RU again, and taking lamp, starts slowly to- 
wards LU). 

22 



LEWIS — (Enters LU, leaves door open so light shines into room) 
Alfie! 

ALFIE — (Stops and turns slightly to Lewis) 

LEWIS — Don't go yet. (Coming down to back of table C) 

ALFIE — I must go. It's getting late. 

LEWIS — Oh, come now, put the lamp down. I want to talk to you. 

ALFIE— No, I must go. (Turns LU) 

LEWIS — (Going to Alfie) A few moments more sleep won't make 
any difference. (Takes lamp and places it on table C, smiles and holds 
out arms) Come. 

ALFIE — (Stands LU, looking straight ahead of her) 

LEWIS — '(Looks at Alfie a moment, smiles) Why so thoughtful? 
(Slight pause. Goes to her and puts arm about her) 

ALFIE — (Looking down) Something happened tonight. (Slight pause) 
It wasn't very much, but it worries me. 

LEWIS' — (Placing hand under Alfie's chin, raises her face) It can't 
be very serious. Tell me what it is. 

ALFIE — (Looking Lewis straight in the eyes) Do you really want to 
know ? 

LEWIS — (Releasing Alfie, but holding both her hands in his) Of 
course I do. Has any on© a better right to know? 

ALFIE — When I told you yesterday that I would marry you, I was 
the happiest I had ever been. 

LEWIS — (Smiles expectantly) Yes — 

ALFIE— Without thinking I gave my consent to keep our engagement 
a secret. I know now that was wrong — all wrong. 

LEWIS— And why should that be "all wrong"? 

ALFIEi — Daddy should know about it, — he must know. When I saw the 
way he looked at you tonight it decided me that he must know. 

LEWIS — (Laughing) Is that all? (Embracing Alfie) Why, then, we 
will tell him all about it tomorrow. 

ALFIE— Everything ? 

LEWIS — Why, what is there to tell except that you are to be my wife? 

ALFIE — (Looks down, doesn't answer) 

LEWIS— Can't you speak? 

ALFIE — (Half -hysterical) Oh, I don't know what to say — forgive me, 
Lewis — but can'it you — won't you tell all about yourself — everything? 

iLEWIS^Why, I have told you, haven't I? 

ALFIE — Yes, and I believe you, but you must tell daddy. Sid thinks 
you are a — a — convict — and all that and I fear he has made daddy half 
believe it, too. I want you to prove to daddy, as you have to me, that 
you are worthy of mie. 

LEWIS— (Leads Alfie to chair L of table C. Stand back of table) 
ALFIE— (Sits L of table C) 

LEWIS — Alfie, when I first came here I was only amused to know 
that I was mistaken for an escaped convict, but now I am hurt to learn 
that perhaps your father mistrusts me. But an honorable man has noth- 
ing to fear from suspicion, and I am more than willing to prove to your 
father, as I did to you, that instead of being a red-handed villain, I am 
only a poor but humble man whose most daring exploits have been 
nothing more or less than hunting bugs. (Laughs lightly. Pause) Any 
man can be under suspicion, you know that, Alfie, but there are few 
indeed who can prove their innocence any easier than I can. I feel 
sure that if you:* father has any distrust in me, I can easily dispel it. 

ALFIE,— (Turning to Lewis) I know you can, Lewis, and for that 
reason I want you to tell daddy everything. 

23 



LEWIS — I will gladly do that so don't worry any more about it. 
(Petting Alfie) 

ALiPIE — I wouldn't have said a word to you, Lewis, only I wanted 
daddy to know that everything was right before his mind is poisoned 
against you by what the gossips continue to say. (Ris'es and reaches 
for lamp) 

LEWIS — (Lays his hand upon Alfie's) I am glad you told me this for 
I wouldn't have you worried one minute on my account or any other 
for that matter. (Takes lamp) Kbw go to bed (leading Alfie to LU) 
and have a good sleep and we will have a long talk with your father 
tomorrow. (Opens door LU, gives Alfie the lamp) Good night. 

ALFIE— Good night. (Slowly exits LU). 

LEWIS — (Closes door LU, stands holding it a moment) That settles 
it. I must get out of here even if I lose her. Things can't go on like 
this much longer or I'll get the worst of it — and that means the "pen" 
for me. I, Comes down to table C) I've played a pretty good game and 
I've lost. Old S.d has my number and it's no telling when he will jump. 
It's up to me to quit while quitting's good. (Slight pause) Yes, that 
midnight train must see me on my way. (Starts) I wonder if it's still 
there? (Turns quickly and gets Nobe's coat from rack and brings it 
down to table C, taking pocket book out as he comes down. Smiles) 
Luck is with me anyway. (Lays coat on table and takes money out of 
pocket book, counts it, holding up so as to get light from door RU) 
Four twenties and two tens — one hundred bucks? That and what I got 
in Elmdale makes four hundred. (Puts money back in pocket book) 
The old man will be doubly surprised in the morning, for both the 
imn* r and I will be gone. (Laughs lightly) 

PERRY — ■ (Knocks sharply at door LC) 

LEWIS — (Starts in surprise. Quickly puts pocket book in pocket. 
Throws coat under table C so it shows from front. With quick, stealthy 
steps exits RU) 

PERRY — (Knocks again. Slight pause, then knocks a third time) 

LEWIS — (Enters RU with lighted lamp. Has removed coat. Goes 
to door LC and opens it) 

PERRY — (Enters LC smiling. Wears new suit and hat) 

LEWIS — (Shakes Perry's hand heartily) Why, Perry, how are you? 
Where on earth did you drop from? (Closes door LC) 

PERRY — Just got in on the nine o'clock. Folks all gone to bed? 

LEWIS — Yes, long ago. (Sets lamp on table C and stands back of it) 

PERRY — (Coming down L of table C and looking about) Gee, it seems 
good to get back. (Lays hat on table) How's everything? 

LEWIS — Fine and dandy. But what ibrings you here? We didn't 
expect you. 

PERRY — Well, you see that sociable comes off tomorrow night and 
I thought I'd skip school a day or so and take it in, and then I wanted 
to surprise Alfij — and — everybody. (Sits L of table C) 

LEWIS — They will be surprised and glad to see you I know. 

PERRY — But that isn't all of the surprise. What do you think, I 
have won the big corn prize at school. 

LEWIS— You have? 

PERRY — Yes. The Bankers' Association gave it and it's ong hundred 
dollars. 

LEWIS — Indeed! That is good news. 

PERRY — (Taking large envelope from inside pocket) There it is — 
all of it. (Takes six bills from envelope and hands them to Lewis) 
Doesn't, that look good? 

24 



"LEWIS — (Tabes money and quickly counts it) Four twenties and 
two tens, eh? 

PBRRY — Yes, and I'm mighty proud of that. (Taking money from 
Lewis) But I'm prouder yet to think I won that prize itself. 

LEWIS— You ought to be. 

PERIRY — And I know Alfie and Mr. Hartley will be proud, too, when 
they see it. They're just libs my own kin to me. 

LEWIS — They ought to be very proud. You have my congratulations, 
I am sure. (Struck by a .sudden thought) Just. wait a minute, Perry, 
and I'll give you something to put your small fortune in. (Exit quickiy 
RU) 

FERRY — (Looks about room in pleased manner) Won't Alfie be 
proud of me! I can it ell her now what's been in my heart all this time — 
I've done something worth while at last — and I'm going to keep right on. 
I— 

LEWIS — (Enters RU with Nobe's pocket book in hand) Here you 
are, Perry. (Coming down back of table C) Mr. Slocum gave a few of 
these to his best friends. I have no use for mine and you are wel- 
come to it. 

PERRY — (Takes pocket book and looks it over smiling) Thank you, 
Mr. Ruttledge. It's just the right thing, and after I have put the money 
in the bank in the morning I can use it to keep my notes and papers in 
at school. 

LEWIS:— It will be just the thing for that. 

PERRY — 'Say, Mr. Rutledge, would you let me sleep with you tonight? 

LEWIS — (Not knowing what to say) Why — what's the idea? 

PERRY — I want to give the folks a real surprise by walking in on 
them at breakfast and they'd be sure to hear me if I went to my old 
room upstairs. 

LEWIS — That's a good idea, but you will have to wait until I get 
things in order. Mrs. Squires was looking at my collection tonight and 
I have the bed and room all littered up. 

PERRY — Just so you get a place where I can sleep it will be all 
right. I promise not to meddle. 

LEWIS 1 — (Taking lamp) I will have it ready in just a minute. (Exit 
RU) 

PERRY — i(IPuts money in pocket book, looks at it admiringly) A 
hundred dollars — all mine! 

NOBE — ('Slight pause, then fumbles at door LU) 

PERRY — (Hears Nobe, pushes pocket book into L coat pocket and 
grabbing hat hurriedly exits Rl) 

NOBE — (Enters quickly LU. Wears trousers but no vest and is in 
stocking feet. Hair is slightly ruffled. Goes quickly to hat rack and 
feels for his coat. Finds it gone, stands a moment in thought, then 
feels his pockets absent mindedly. Goes RU, and in a husky voice, calls) 
Mr. Rutledge! Mr. Rutledge! 

LEWIS'— (Off RU) Hello. 

NOBE— ^Bring the light quick! 

LEWIS— (Enters RU with lamp) 

NOIBE — (iGilances at hat rack) I've been robbed! 

LEWIS — Robbed? (Notices with satisfaction that Perry is gone) 

NOiBE — Sid Bartlett brought me a hundred dollars tonight. I put it 
in my coat pocket (pointing to rack) a.nd now they're both gone! 

LEjWIS — Why, yes, I remember seeing your coat hanging there. 

NOBE— (Excitedly walking back and forth) It hain't there now. 
Some thief has tuk it. 

LEWIS — Now don't get excited. Perhaps Alfie to'ok the coat away. 

25 



NODE— Alfie? She wouldn't do that. 

LEWIS — Not if she knew you had money in it and had forgotten it? 

NOBE — She didn't know nothin bout it. Nobody knew ibut Sid and me 

LEWIS — (Setting lamp on table C) Better ask her about it anyway 
to make sure. 

NOBE — Guess yer right. (Goes quickly to door LU and calls) Alfie! 
Alfie! 

ALFIE-^(Off LU) Yes, daddy. 

NOBE: — Come down here, quick! (Turning to Lewis) It's gone, Mr, 
Rutledge, I know it's gone! I don't know what made me fergit it thet 
way. (Coming down a little — turns quickly and going ito door LC, tries 
it and found it unlocked) And I didn't even lock the door? Some 
trarr.p must a sneaked in and tuk it. (Coming down to Lewis, looks at 
him sharply and speaks slowly) Did you hear anybody come in? 

LEWIS — I have been in my room all the time with the door open, 
but I didn't hear anyone enter. 

ALFIE — (Enters LU. She is partly dressed, but wears a long wraip. 
per and slippers. Appears somewhat alarmed, hurries to Nobe) Daddy, 
what's happened? 

NOBE — The money, Alfie, the money! 

ALFIE^-What money? 

NOBE — Sid brought me a hundred dollars tonight. I put it in my 
coat a hangin there (pointing to hat rack), and now it's gone! 

ALFIE— (Looks LC and then at Nobe) Are you sure your coat was 
there, daddy? 

NOBE— Of course I be! 

ALFIE — I can't believe anybody could come in here and take it with 
out Mr. Rutledge knowing it. 

LEWIS — (Starts a little) I don't see how they could. I haven't been 
out of my room and I didn't hear even the slightest sound. 

ALFIE — You must have misplaced the coat, daddy. 

INOIBEi — '(Slowly shaking head, looking down) 

ALFIE — Perhaps you left it in the kitchen. 

NOBE — (Slowly shakes head) No, I didn't Alfie. It was up there. 

ALFIE — We'd better look in the kitchen anyway. 

LEWIS 1 — That's what I would suggest. (Taking lamp) 

ALFIE — You may have left it there, you know. (Goes to door Rl 
and opens it. Sees Perry. Staggers back in surprise) 

PERRY — '(Enters Rl, smiling) 

AiLFIE — (Exclaims) Perry Halcomib! 

NOBE-LEWIS 1 — (Nobe gasps) Perry! (Lewis pretends 'surprise) 
Perry! 

PERRY— Yes, it's me. 

NODE — (Almost in (whisper) What be you doin here? 

PERRY — (Looks from one to the other in sobered surprise) Why — 
why — I was going ito give you a surprise. 

NOBE — We're sprised I guess jest bout as much as you be. 

LEWIS— (Places lamp on table C) 

PERRY— Why, what about? 

NOBE — My money what's jest ben stole. 

PERRY — Mr. Hartley — you don't^think that I— 

ALFIE — (Looks at Nobe and happens to see coat under table. Gets 
it quickly and holds it up. Looking at Perry, she holds coat towards 
Nobe) Here's your coat, daddy. 

LEWIS — (Gomes down R of Alfie, watching Perry) 

NOBE — (Grabs coat and quickly feels in pockets) The money's gone! 

26 



PERRY — (Coming forward a little) t wish you would tell me what 
ithis is all about. 

NOBE^There ain't nuthin to tell. (Holds out hand) I want thet 
hundred dollars you 'ev got! 

PERRY — '(Unconsciously takes pocket book from L coat pocket and 
looks at it) 

LEWIS — (Comes forward quickly and takes pocket book from Perry) 
Here's your money, Mr. Hartley. (Hands pocket book to iNobe) 

PERRY — (Stands dumbfounded — looks first from Noibe to Alfie) 

NOBE — '(Excitedly counting the money) 

LEWIS- -(Watching Nobe with satisfied smile) 

ALFIE — (Gives Perry agonized look. Turns to front looking straight 
ahead. Half aside) Perry Halcomb, a thief! (Sinks into chair R of 
table C, quickly turns and drops head or arms on table, weeping) 

CURTAIN 

ACT II. 

SOENE 2 — Same as Scene 1, Act II. A few moments later. 

PERRY-NOBE-ALEHMiEWIS— (Discovered at rise of curtain. Perry 
seated R of table C. Nobe is standing L of table C. Alfie iback of 
table C. Lewis stands R of Perry. Perry's hat and Nobe's coat are 
on table C) I ' ! H 1 * 1 

NOBE — I don't know what Ito say, Perry, fer I never thought you'd 
do a thing like this. 

PERRY — It's all a mistake, Mr. Hartley. If your money is gone, 
don't accuse me for I didn't steal it. 

NOPE— (With suspicion) IMIaybe not. 

PERRY^: (Slight pause) Why, you don't really think I'm the ithief, 
do you? 

'NOBE — (More strongly) What kin I think? Everything's dead sot 
agin you. You bein in there (points Rl) when Alfie opened the door — 
an hrevin my money — 

PERRY — I didn't have YOUR money— it was mine. 

HNf'OBE — (Dryly) I guess it would a toen your'n all right if we hedn't 
ketched you jest in time. 

PERRY — (Springing to his feet) I'm not a thief, I tell you! That 
money belongs to me, every dollar of it. 

NOBE — (More slowly to give emphasis) When you left here fer 
school you only hed forty dollars an now you say this hundred is yours. 
(Indicates pocket book) Where did you get it? 

PERRY— I earned it. That's how I got it. 

NOBE— Earned it doin what? 

PERRY — I wrote the best essay in school and the prize was that 
hundred dollars. (Points to pocket book) 

LEWIS — (Sneering) Quite a valuable prize it seems to me. 

PERRY — (Not getting Lewis' meaning) It was the best one ever of- 
fered at school and I was mighty proud to win it. (Looking down) And 
I thought you would all be proud of me, too. So I came down here to 
surprise you and I was going to tell you all about it in the morning. 
Now (everything's gone wrong. (Slight pause and ithen looks from 
one to the^ other) I see it all now, you're playing a joke on me- — just 
to see how 1 ! would act. 

NOBE — Per as I kin see it haint no joke. 

PERRY — (Lightly) Well, if it isn't, then why did Mr. Rutledge take 
the money and hand it to you when he knew it was mine. 

27 



NOBE-ALFIE— (Surprised) 

LEWIS — (Feigns surprise) 

NOiBE — How could he know it was your'n? 

PERRY — Why, I showed it to him just 'before you came down. 

NOBE — (Not believing Perry) You did? Why he didn't even know 
you was here. 

PERRY — Oh, yes he did. I showed him the money and told him how 
I got it. (Turns to Lewis with a smile) Come, fess up. Didn't I? 

LEWIS — ( Light, sneering laugh) Well, of all bluffers you are the 
best. You certainly know how io frame up evidence, Mr. Halcomb. 

PERRY — (Astonished) You mean — I didn't show it to you? 

LEWIS — (Curtly) That's it exactly. I never saw you or that money 
and you know it. 

PERRY — (Turns to Lewis in angry manner) You never saw me? 

LEWIS — You heard what I said. 

PERRY — Why, you — (makes start for Lewis) 

ALFIE — (Quickly lays hand on Perry's shoulder) Perry! 

PERRY — (iSltops but still glares at Lewis) I ought to beat you for 
that, you — you — (starts for Lewis again) 

NOBE-ALFIE— (Hold Perry) Perry! 

NODE — Set down, Perry. Don't do nuthin like thet. 

PERRY — i ('Sinks back into chair) 

ALFIE- 1 — (Stands by Lewis as if to protect him) 

NOBE — There hain't no use gettin excited fer it won't do you no 
good. If you kin prove what you say, you haint got nuthin to fear, 
an it haint no use fightin over it. 

PERRY — I can prove it, Mr. Hartley, ibut when a lying — 

ALFIE— Perry— 

NOBE — Now don't git excited, Perry, an say somethin you'll be sorry 
fer. I hope you kin prove yer story, but I don't see how. You say Mr. 
Rutledge saw you an he says he didn't. 

LEWIS— (Satisfied smile) 

NOBE — Here's the money — (takes money from pocket book) four 
twenties an two tens — jest what I had. Kin you prove it's your'n an 
not mine? (Slight pause) If it is your'n, where did you git my wallet? 
(Shows Perry the name inside) Thet's my name, haint it? 

PERRY — (Looks at name dumbfounded, a shade of suspicion comes 
over his face and he turns itoward Lewis) Yes — 

ALFIE — (Finally convinced of Perry's guilt, exclaims) Oh! (Covers 
face with her hands) 

LEWIS — '(Puts arm about her, consoling her) 

NOIBE — Kin you explain how you got this? (Indicates pocket book) 

PERRY — (Glances at Alfie a.nd Lewis, bows head. Speaks in low 
voice) I'd rather not tell you — just now. 

NOBEi — You can't clear yerself till you kin tell me ithet. (Looks at 
Perry a moment and then puts his hand on Perry's head) I hain't goin 
to be hard on you, Perry, cause I couldn't. I don't believe you ever 
done nuthin like this afore, an I'm going to gev you a chanct to make 
good. (Thinking a moment) Guess you'd betiter stay here fer a day 
or so, jest as you planned, and then go back to school. We wont none 
of here say one word, an let this be a lesson to you never to do nuthin 
like it agin. 

ALFIE — (Slowly coming to Perry) Yes, Perry, daddy's way is best. 
We will all forget this awful thing (voice breaks) and try to help you. 

NOBE — ( Going LU, turns to Perry) Yer old room is ready fer you. 
Better come upstairs to bed. 

28 



PERRY — (.Slight pause, rises determinedly, takes hat, quickly goes 
LU) 

NOiBE^-(Holds doo:° open LU) 

FERRY— ^(Stands just a moment in doorway, looking at Alfie, then 
with suppressed emotion, exclaims) Good night! (Exits quickly LU) 

NOBE — (Exits LU and closes door slowly) 

ALFIE — (Turns to Lewis weeping bitterly) Oh-h-! 

LEWIS — (Consoling her) Why, why, Alfie, what's the matter? 

ALFIE 1 — Oh, I'm broken hearted! 

LEWIS — Just because you have been deceived in a friend, I suppose. 
Come now, that's nothing to weep over. Our friendship is often be- 
trayed, you know, so don't take it too much to heart. 

ALFIE — (With hands on Lewis' shoulders, looking into his face) It's 
not that, Lewis, that breaks my heart — no, it's not that.. I know such 
things do happen, but not like this. He's a thief — do you understand — 
a thief? And we have thought so much of him and trusted him all 
this time — why, if I hadn't met you — -(breaks out weeping) and now 
he's a thief! Oh, how could could he — how could he! 

LEWIS — (Men do some strange things for the sake of money, Alfie. 
Your faith in him was misplaced and unappreciated that's all. 

ALFIE — And he tried to drag you into it to prove he was innocent. 

LEIWIS — He had to make his bluff good and I appose he thought I 
would help him out. When I refused to lie about it, why he bluffed a 
little harder, that's all. 

ALFIE! — But he was so earnest about it that for a moment I thought 
that maybe you did know something you would not tell. 

LEWIS— (Stopping Alfie) There, there, now— let's forget all about 
it. That's a good girl. 

ALFIE — I cannot forget it, Lewis, but I want you to know that I am 
sorry that even for one little moment I suspected you. I do trust you, 
Lewis, and nothing can destroy that trust. 

LEiWIS— '(With arms about Alfie) You're a brave good girl a»nd I'm 
proud to claim you as my wife. 

SI — (Enters LU, grins, coughs) 

ALFILEi — (Quickly goes to table C with head (bowed) 

LEWIS' — (Stands with hands in pockets and smiles at Si) 

SI — (Winks at Lewis. 'Gets lantern and starts to light it, with back 
to Lewis and Alfie) Thought I heerd the old mare whinnerin out to 
the barn. Guess she's glad nough now to git in. (Turns and looks 
at them a moment, grins) Never mind me. I never see nuthin. (Aside 
as he gets hat from rack) Cept when I'm lookin. (Exit LC, looking 
back and grinning) 

ALFIE— (Goes LU quickly) Good night. 

LEWIS— Good night. 

AliFIE— (Exits LU) 

LEWIS — (Goes up and looks out window, comes down back of table C, 
slowly) Humph! Can you beat it? Here I was, just about to make 
my get away when this boy from school turns up and suspicion falls on 
him. That changes the situation. He can't prove his innocence for 
some time, if at all, and in the meantime — yes, I know I can persuade 
that trusting girl to go with me. iShe's the kind to stand by a fellow 
right or wrong — just the kind of wife any man needs. Once get her 
away from here and she'll never come back — and in a few years this 
farm— (pause) Yes, I'll take the chance. This isn't the first tight 
place I've been in and I guess — 

SI— (Enters LC with lantern) Twant the old mare after all. (Looks 
around, grins at Lewis) Gosh, yer all alone, haint yer? 

29 



LEWIS — (Sternly) That's enough from you. 

SI — (Taken back a moment) Aw, say, can't a feller joke without you 
gettin sore? I didn't mean nuthin. 

LEWIS — Then shut up, you fool. (Takes lamp and exits quickly RU, 
closing door) 

SI — i(Stands dumbfounded a moment) Gosh (slight pause) he called 
me a fool! (Looks RU) Never seed him flare up like thet. Maybe 
his supper didn't set well, er somethin, but it won't do him no good 
to get sore on me fer I don't care fer him no more'n nuthin. (Blows out 
lantern and exit LU. .Heavy footfalls off LU, as though going upstairs) 

-CURTAIN. 

ACT III. 

SOElNiE: Sarnie as Act II. The next evening. 

ALPIE — (Discovered seated R of table C. Abstracted manner) 

SI — '(Stands L of table C. Has small mirror propped up on table 
and is trying to tie a loud bow tie. Wears old trousers, white shirt and 
high stand-up collar. He is busy for several moments, then jerks tie 
off in exasperated manner) Gol durn this gol-durned necktie! 

ALFIE— (Startled, looks at Si) 

SI — IBet the next tie I git will be all fixed so it won't need no tyin. 
(Starts trying again) I never kin git this one fixed. 

ALFIE — Let me see. (Rise and come in front of table) Perhaps I 
can tie it for you. 

SI — ('Coming to Alfie) Maybe you kin. Yer handy thet way. (As 
Alfie is busy with tie) I'm fixin all up swell fer the sociable. 

ALFIE — tSlniles faintly) Tasia will be very proud of you. 

SI — I don't care if she is er not. She ain't the only girl they is I 
guess, an she'll find it out, too. 

AI^IE — Oh, come now, you're not really mad at her, are you? 

SI — Jest about chuck full. Guess she'll find out I'm bout as spunky 
as she kin be. If she wants iMJR. Rutledge, she kin hev him. Don't make 
no difference to me. 

ALFIE — i (Amused) Why, Si, I didn't know they were in love. 

SI — I don't know as HE is, but Tasia's alius talkin bout him bein 
swell an it makes me gol-durned mad. 

ALFIE — (Finishing tie) There you are. Your tie is very pretty. 

SI— It oughter be — cost a quarter. (Admires tie in mirror a moment) 
Gosh, it looks fine! Guess I'll go now an get on my new togs. (Starts 
LU, then turns to Alfie) Jest wait till you see 'em. Got 'em offen the 
feller what had the auction store down town last week. 

ALFIE — You're getting ready rather early, aren't you? 

SI — Them new togs is goin to take some time to get 'em 'justed. You 
see they hain't jest like what I iben wearin. (Satisfied smile) 'Say, but 
they're swell — cost four and a half. 

ALFIE — (Humoring Si) Four dollars and a half, my! 

SI — Bet they did, but I made him throw in a cady hat. 

ALFIE— A stiff hat, too! 

SI— Uh-huh, you bet! I hain't goin to wear no false face ner nuthin 
— jest my new togs. 

ALFIE — (Sitting R of table C) I haven't a doubt you will make quite 
an impression. 

SI— What's that? 

ALFIE — Why — you will be more stylish than the other boys. 

SI — You bet I will. Everybody'll be lookin at me. 
ALFIE — (Smiling) I'm sure they will. 

30 



SI — Well, here I go to get 'em on. (Exit LU) 

ALFIE. — ('Slight pause, then sighs) Oh, if I were only as happy as 
that boy! But I never can be again, I never can. (Looking straight 
ahead of her) 

PERRY — '(Slight pause, enters LC, softly. Closes door and hat in 
hand, comes down back of table C) Alfie. 

ALFIE. — (Without looking at Perry) Yes — Perry — 

PERRY — I've stayed away all day because I thought it was best after 
what happened last night. I've been thinking things over and I guess 
I'd 'better go away and never come back. 

ALFIE — (Still looking before her) 

PERRY — ('Confusedly, after a' pause) We used to think a good deal 
of eajh other, Alfie, and as I came here last night I can't tell you how 
happy I was because I was going to see you again — and I thought you 
would ibe glad to see me — and perhaps proud of me, too. Then this 
awful thing happened, and when I tried to clear myself I saw that you 
doubted me — and — that you loved him. (With eyes on Alfie, points to 
door RU. Half turn away and fumble hat) That hurt me more than 
the other did. (Pause) I know things look black for me, but you don't 
believe me guilty, do you, Alfie?' You can't believe that. 

ALFIE — (Turning to Perry) What else can I believe? Daddy's 
money was gone and you had it. 

PERRY — I swear I didn't take it. I can prove that. 

ALFIE — Thaf's what you said last night, and a wihole day has gone 
by and you haven't done so — you haven't even tried to prove it. 

PERRY — Can't you understand? It's you I'm thinking of and not 
myself. 

ALFIE— (Surprised) Me? What have I to do with it? 

PERRY — Don't you see? If I'm proven innocent, suspicion will point 
at him. 

ALFIE: — (Rising quickly) How dare you suggest such a thing? Mr. 
Rutledge is too much of a gentleman to stoop so low? I'll not hear one 
word against him. 

PERRY — (Quietly) I'm not accusing Mr. Rutledge and for your sake 
I'm going to do all in my power to make you happy by going away (be- 
fore anything happens that might cause you more sorrow. I know you 
love him, Alfie; yes, I can see that. I know, too, that Sid and others 
will think of him as the thief, if they find me innocent. No matter 
how guiltless he is it might be hard for him to convince them, and the 
sneers and scorn would be hard for you to bear. It's for that reason I — 

LEWIS— (Enters RU. Pleasantly) .Still here, eh? (We thought you 
had gone. 

PERRY — iM)r, Rutledge, I thought at first I couldn't go while this sus- 
picion was hanging over me, but now I've thought it all over and I'm 
leaving tonight. 

LEWIS— That's the best thing you could do. 

PERRY — GBut I have something to say to you before I go. Alfie, don't 
you leave us a few moments? (Goes LU and holds door open) I want 
to have a talk with Mr. Rutledge and I think it best that you should 
not hear it. 

ALFIE— ^(Glances at Lewis) 

LEWIS— (Nods, "all right") 

ALFIE— (Reluctantly exits LU) 

PERRY — .(Closes door and comes down L of table C) I couldn't say 
what I wanted to while Alfie was here, but now I'm going to ask some 
plain questions and I want plain answers. 

LEWIS— '(Sitting R of table C) G-o ahead— I'm listening. 

31 



PERRY — I want you to know that I'm leaving here for Alfie's sake 
and not for yours or mine. Proving my innocence would bring suspicion 
on you and that would mean sorrow for Alfie. I don't want that. 

DEWIS — (Sarcastically) No, I suppose not. 

PERRY — If it wasn't for that, I'd show you up after what happened 
last night. 

DEWIS— (Smiles) In what? 

FERRY — You know what I mean — howi you lied about me! 

DEWIS — (Jumps up) Now you be careful how you talk to me! 

PERRY — OCalmly) I'll talk to you just as I please, and what I say 
will be to the point. Why did you deny seeing me last night? 

DEWIS — Simply because I did not want to be a witness against you. 
Would it have helped your case any, if I had confessed I had seen and 
talked with you? You know I would have been forced to tell them 
that I had left you here alone. 

PERRY— ^What if you had? 

DEWIS — That would have given you the chance to take the money, 
wouldn't it. 

PIERRY — I wasn't looking for the chance to steal the money — I didn't 
even know it was there. If you had been man enough to tell the truth, 
you would have said that I was here just a little while before they 
came in and that I showed you my hundred dollars. That wiould have 
cleared nue easily enough. But for some reason you lied about it. I'm 
not accusing you of stealing the money, but where did you get Mr. 
Hartley's pocket book? 

DEWIS — CComing close to Ferry in a threatening manner) Now 
you listen to me! I've heard enough from you! It's come to a show 
down between us and you'd better beat it and keep your mouth shut. 

PERRY — Not until I have an explanation from you. 

DEWIS — You said that you were going. Now get out or I'll see you 
in jail where you (belong — you thief! 

PERRY — (Throws down hat. Doudly) Take that back! (Seizes 
Dewis by throat and forces him to his knees, shaking him) Take it 
back, you dog, or I'll choke the life out of you! 

ADFIE; — '(Enters DU, stand in astonishment) 

DEWIS--(Break3 away) Don't try anything like that? You— 
(rushes at Perry) 

PERRY — (Is about to strike Dewis) 

ADFIE — (Alarmed, exclaims) Perry! (Rushes down to Perry) 

PIERRY — (Turns to Alfie mutely) 

ADFIE — (Stepping between them) What does this mean, Dewis — ■ 
Perry? Tell me! 

PERRY— Why— why— 

DEWIS — (Rearranging collar and tie) Mr. Halcomb became angry 
and forgot himself, that's all. 

ADFIE — Perry, I'm ashamed of you that you could — 

PERRY — Forgive me, Alfie — I'm sorry. (Picks up hat, turns and 
goes up to door DC, and exits DC) 

AD^IEi — (Goes to Dewis quickly) What's happened? Tell me! 

DEWIS — (Turning it off lightly) Oh, it's nothing. We got into an 
argument and he let his temper get the best of him for the moment. 
(Daughs lightly) There was no danger of anyone getting hurt, you 
knowi, so don't be frightened over it. 

ADFIE — But I can't understand. Nothing was wrong when I left here 
and in a few moments I hear angry words and rush in to find you two 
fighting. What WERE you quarreling about? 

DEWIS— (Smiles at Alfie) Can't you guess? 

32 



ALFIE — No. (Pause) You — you weren't quarreling about me? 

LEWIS — What else could we quarrel about? 

ALFIE — 'But I cannot understand why you and Perry should quarrel 
over me. 

LEWIS — Now,, now, no more worrying. I'm going to my room and 
will soon be ready to go down to Stuart's with you. 

ALFIIE^But Lewis— 

LEWIS — Don't ask any more questions — that's a good girl. Go and 
get ready. (Exit RU) 

ALFISE — (Stands a moment looking after Lewis, then turns to front) 
And they were quarreling about me — why — (starts) I wonder if it 
wasn't that money! 

NOBE — (Enters RC with lantern) Trumans jest went by. (Sets lan- 
tern by door LC. Hanging up coat and hat) They'll be early nough, 
I guess. (Coming down to rocker L) Spect they don't want to miss 
nuthin. (Sits) Prom what I hear, most the hull town's goin to be 
there. (Slight pause, motions Alfie to him) Alfie. 

ALFIE — (Comes to Nobe and kneels on his R) 

NOBE — Alfie, Mr. Rutledge was talkin to me awhile ago an I guess 
you know bout what he said. 

ALFIE— Yes, daddy — 

NOBE — »He said he asked you to marry him and you said "yess." 

ALFIE — >(Nods head slowly) 

NOlBE — Are you sure you love him? 

ALFIE — (Looks up quickly) Oh, daddy, I've been so happy since he 
came — the happiest I have ever been, — and I DO love him! 

NOBE — Maybe you do, Alfie, but I've ben watchin an carin fer my 
little girl all this time an I wouldn't want no harm to come to her. 
You better be sure bout yer love afore you hev him. I ain't got nuthin 
agin him an as fer as I know he's a gentleman an might make you a 
good husband, but he ain't jest our kind with his city manners an all 
thet, an marriages of thet sort don't alius turn out right. 

ALFIE — But I know ours will, daddy. What my heart tells me must 
be right. 

NOlBE — Thet's all we hev to jedge by sometimes, so if yer heart tell 
you, why it mus be right. 

ALFIE — I know it is, daddy. iHe loves me — he has told me so, so many 
times and I know I will love him — always. 

NOiBE — When a man has loved an cared fer a daughter fer so long 
it seems kind o' hard to hev some one come an take her, but I want 
you to be happy an I know you must hev a hum of your own some day. 
Your mother used to even think o' thet and she was alius plannin great 
things fer you though you was only two year old when she died. Said 
you was goin to 'be married in her weddin dress an all 'thet. Thet's why 
I've been so careful to keep it fer you, Alfie, an when you git married 
I want you to wear it jest like she wanted you to be. 

ALFIE — And I will wear it, daddy. It shall be my wedding dress. 

NOBIE — <She was jest bout like you be — I wouldn't want you to change 
it none if you kin help it. An when you wear it, I hope you'll be as 
happy as she was (voice breaks) when we stood up together. 

ALFIE — Daddy! (Throws herself into Nobe's arms) 

SI — (Slight pause. Enters LU, wearing loud suit that is too small 
and an ill-fitting, colored hat. Poses) Now what do you think? 

ALFIE! — (Rises and turns to Si) 

NOBE— (Looks at Si and smiles) Yer all rigged up fit ter kill, 
haint yer? 

SI — (Turning around) Ain't I swell? 



ALFIE — (Smiling sadly) Well, I should say. (Goes to table C) 

SI — (To Alfie) Guess I forgot to thank you fer fixin my tie. 

ALFIE— I never thought of it. 

SI — You've ben orful good to me. (Abruptly) Here's some candy. 
(Takes handful of hard, dirty candy from pocket and holds it out to 
Alfie) 

ALFIE — (Smiling) Thank you, Si. I'll get a nice box to put it in. 
(Goes up to stand by window and gets a fancy candy box and brings it 
down to table C) 

SI — (Drtps candy into box, gets two or three more pieces from 
pockets and drops them in box. Stands admiring it) Looks pretty 
good, don't it? 

ALFIE 1 — (Smiling) Almost good enough to eat. 

SI — Thef's what it's fer. Ben carryin it round more'n a week. Bet 
Tasia's sorry she didn't git it. 

ALFIE — We can give her some anyway. 

SI — Well, eat all you want first. (Looks at Alfie) Say, why ain't 
you gettin ready fer the sociable? 

ALFIE — (Sadly) I'm not feelin well — perhaps I won't go. (Puts lid 
on box) 

>NOBE — (Shows concern) 

SI— Ctosh, 'thet's too bad. Well, I better be goin. (Starts up LC) 

ALFIE — Aren't you going to wait for Tasia? 

SI — (Turns) Nope. You see we don't hitch no more. 

ALFIE — Oh, com 3 now, Si, don't be mean. She is just dying to go and 
it will break her heart if you wont' take her. 

SI — Let it break — see if I care. 

ALFIE— Si! 

SI — Ain't no use argyfi-en with me cause I won't do it. (With door 
open) Say, I'll tell you all about the sociable an swipe you some cake. 

ALFIE — Oh, you needn't mind. You can tell me all about it but 
don't steal any cake. 

SI— Yes I will, all I kin git. I'd do most anything fer you. (Exit LC) 

NOBE,— Why ain't you goin, Alfie? 

ALFIE — Oh, daddy, I just can't go tonight. 

ImOiBEi — They'll be s pectin you an wonderin where you are. 

ALFIE 1 — I know they will, but I just can't go after ALL that's hap- 
pened. (Pause) I'll stay home with you. 

SI — (Bursts in LC, and runs down R. Doesn't stop to close the 
door) Look out! Look out! He's comin! 

ALFIE-NOiBE — (Look at Si in wonderment) 

NIOBE^ (Rises) Well, what the— 

SID — (Appears in door LC. Wears Indian head dress and blanket. 
Has his star pinned to the blanket. Stands in door with folded arms) 
Howi! 

NOiBE — (Laughs) Good evenin, Sid. 

ALFIE — My, you're a real Indian, aren't you? 

SID' — (Disappointed, comes down L a little) Didn't think you'd 
know me. 

SI— (Grinning) Gosh, I DIDNT! 

NODE — Guess I'd know you no matter what you had on. Come down 
here to show off? 

SID — Hed to go right by here anyway. Thought I'd let you see me. 

(NOBE — (Looking Sid over) Pretty good disguise. 

SID— 'Well, I guess SO. Seen a pictur like this onct in the Perlice 
Gazette. 

34 



NOBIE — (Laughs) Thought maybe you got it out'n some o' those 
Shylock Homer ibooks. (Goes down to rocker and sits) 

SID — Nope, haint nuthin like thet in them. (Sees candy box on table 
C and comes down to it as he speaks) Kind o' nice candy box. 

ALFIE — (Starts to get box) Yes, won't you havi© some? 

SID — Nope, I got a bad tooth. (Looks at candy box a moment) Well, 
I must be joggin on. Comin along, Si? 

SI — (Starting L) Yep. Say, I'll swap togs with you an gev you a 
dollar to boot. 

SID — Maybe SO, but I won't swap. I'm goin to show the folks thet 
the Chief o' Perlice knows how to disguise itself. (Rubs star) Come 
on, Si. 

SID-SI— (Exuent LC, going L) 

NIOBE — (Laughs) Sid is sure crazy bout bein a detecative. Why, he 
wouldn't dast 'rest nobody if he hed a chanct. They'll hev lots o' fun 
with him down there tonight. 

TASIA — (Enters LU, wearing comedy dress, etc. Grins) S'a-ay, haint 
this swell? (Spreads skirt) 

ALPIE — (Suppressing smile and going to Tasia) Very nice indeed. 

TASIA— I think it's jest orful swell. 

ALFIE — (Turning Tasia around) I should say so. Where did you 
get it? 

TASIA— Can't you guess? 

ALFIE— At Mr. Slocum's? 

TASIA-^( Shakes head) Nope. 

ALFIE— Sent away for it? 

TASIA— (Shakes head) Nope. 

ALBIE — I give it up. (Goes to 'table €) Where DID you get it? 

TASIA — (As though breaking a great secret) Down to the auction 
store. 

NOiBE — Humph! Thet feller must a done a good business. (Rise 
quickly and speaks going up L) There, 'by jing! I forgot to shut thet 
windmill off. (Putting on coat and hat) It's a good thing I thought of 
it. We'd be flooded out by mornin. (Exit LC) 

ALFIE: — Are you going now, Tasia? 

TASIA — (Bashfully stands LU, with hands folded) Nope, I'm waitin 
fer Si. (Grins) 

ALFIE|^Waiting for Si? Why, he's gone. 

TASIA — No he haint — yer jokin me. (Grins) 

ALFIE — No, I'm not. I asked him to wait for you, but he wouldn't. 

TASIA — (Pause a moment, looking at Alfie in a dejected manner — 
almost crying) Then I can't go, thet's all. 

ALFIE' — Why of course you can — why not? 

TASIA — (Looking down and shaking head) Cause I can't. (Sniffling) 
Taint nice to go 'ithout a feller — an — an Si's the only one I got. (Cries) 

ALFIE — Oh, Tasia, Tasia, what's the matter with you? (Slight 
pause) Stop that crying this minute! The very idea — a great big girl 
like you — you ought to be ashamed of yourself. 

LEWIS— (Enter RU, hat in hand) All ready, Alfie? 

ALFIE — No, I'm not going. 

TASIA — ■( Begins to dry her eyes) 

LEWI«— (Coming down to Alfje) Not going? Why not? 

ALFIEr— I— I— I don't feel well (bows head) a,nd I think I'd better 
stay at home. 

LEWIS — I'm awfully sorry to hear that. Then I won't go either. I'll 
stay and keep you company. 

TASIA — (Sickly Grin) Sa-ay, you won't hev to stay. I'll go 'ith you. 

35 



LEWIS-— You will? ] 

TASIA — Uli-huh. (Bashfully) I'm all ready an waitin. 

LEWIS — (Smiling) You are very kind, Tasia, but I can't accept this 
time. 

TASIA — Oh, please, Mr. Rutledge, I want to go orful bad — I do! 

LEWIS— No, I'm going to stay with Alfie. 

TASIA — But I can't go 'ithout a feller. (Cries) An nobody waon't 
go with me. Don't nobody love ME! (Cries) 

ALFIE — (Goes to Tasia and comforts her) There, there, now Tasia, 
don't cry. 

TASIA — (Continues to cry) 

ALFIEi — Wie all like you, you know we do. 

TASIA — no you don't — nobody does. I wish I was dead, I do! 

ALFIE — Oh, come now, don'tt be foolish. You can go even if we 
don't. We'll watch and when someone comes along we'll ask them to 
let you go with them. So run along upstairs and dry your eyes and 
we'll call you when someone comes. You'd better get a wrap of some 
kind to wear, it's cold out. 

TASIA — I don't need no wrap cause I hain't goin. (Hain't got no 
feller to go with me. (Cries) 

LEWIS— Why, Where's— 

ALFIE — (Holds up hand to stop Lewis, turns to Tasia) iNtow don't 
be silly. Forget all about a "fellow" and go. You'll have the best 
time you ever had. 

TASIA — Nope, I won't. (Crying) I haint goin no place no more. Oh, 
I wish I was dead — I wish I was dead! (Exit LU crying) 

LEWIS — (Smiling j Poor Tasia, she's sure having an awful time. 
Don't you think we had better all go? 

ALFIE 1 — (Coming down L) Oh, no, no, not tonight. I'm not myself, 
I guess — I don't know what to do or say. Please, please don't keep 
urging me. (Sinks into rocker with face in hands on back of rocker, 
sobs) 

LEWIS — (Stands looking at her in astonishment) Why Alfie, Alfie! 
What in the wide world is the matter? 

SID — ^(Enters LC, quickly, without knocking. Curtly) Evening, Mr. 
Rutledge. 

LEWIS — 'CR of table, laughing at Sid) Well, you're some Injun, be- 
lieve me. 

ALFIE — (Rises quickly, wiping eyes) 

SID — You bet I be! An you'll find it out afore I get through. 

ALFIE — (Alarmed) What do you mean, Sid? 

■SID — I mean I'm goin to 'rest him. 

ALFIE— ^Sid— 

SID — An there ain't goin to be no fussin bout it nuther. 

LEWIS— (Smiles at Sid) Well, here I am. 

SID — I knoiwi you be an you hain't goin away till I take you. (Goes 
to table C and picks up box of candy. To Alfie) Where did you git 
this box o' candy? 

ALFIE— Why— 

LEWIS— (Quickly) I gave it to her. 
• SID — (Turning on Lewis quickly) I jest wanted you to say thet. It 
proves yer crime an I'm goin to 'rest you. 

LEWIS— What crime? 

SID — iBurglarin the Elmdale store two weeks ago. 

LEWIS 1 — You better be careful about accusing me. 

SID — An you better be careful how you talk to me. I represent the 
law an I hain't the jokin kind. I've ben keepin the news of the Elmdale 

36 



robbery from the public, but I've ben sperstitious io'f you jest the same. 
Besides 'the tother things they was six boxes of fancy candy stole. 
(Points to bottom of box) An there's their mark on this one — X Y Z 

LEWIS — (Laughs) I bought that for Alfie two days ago at Slocum's. 

STD— Is thet SO? 

ALFIE — Yes, I saw him buy it, Sid. We ate the candy and it's filled 
with some that Si gave me. 

LEWIS — 'Don't make a fool of yourself, Sid, run along back to the 
sociable. 

SID — Hain't ben there yit. I saw this candy box here and it come 
to me it might be goo^l evidence an b'gosh it is. 

LEWIS — Take my advice and go on about your business. 

SID — I hain't got no other business while you're running around loose. 
(Tat.s out handcuffs) Stick out yer hands! 

NOBE^ (Enter LC) 

ALFIE — (Grabs Sid's arm) No, Sid, no. 

NOBE — (Coming down L of Alfie) What's goin on here? 

ALFIE — (Quickly turning to Nobe) Sid is going to arrest Mr. Rut- 
ledge. 

NOIBE— (To Sid) What he you goin to do thet fer? 

ALFIE — He says Mr. Rutledge robbed the. Elmdale store. 

NOBE— Taint so! 

SID — You bet it is! (Holds out candy box) An here's the evidence 
right here. 

ALFIE — No, it isn't, daddy. M(r. Rutledge bought it at Slocum's store. 

NOBE — Look here, Sid, Mr. Rutledge is all right an I want you to Let 
him alone. 

LEWIS — Yes, you've hounded me ever since I came here and I'm 
getting tired of it. 

SID — Thet ain't a goin to stop me. Was you ever in Edgerton? 

LEWIS — Yes, for quite a while. 

SID — (B'gosh thet's another good clue — stick out yer hands! 

NOBE — Hold on, Sid, you hain't gevin him a fair chanct. 

LEWIS— One doesn't always look for that, Mr. Hartley. (To Sid) 
I'll square with you later. 

SID — Maybe you will (starting toward Lewis with handcuffs) but we 
better be joggin down to the calalboose. 

ALFIE^Stop Sid! (Goes to Lewis) You shall not take Mr. Rut- 
ledge on such flimsy evidence as you have! 

NOBE — She's right, Sid, an I'll stand good fer him if you want him 
termorrer. 

SID — You don't know nuthin bout him. This feller ain't Lewis Rut- 
ledge any more'n you an I be. I found thet out some time ago by writin 
the Chief o' Perlice at S'taceyville. (With emphasis) Lewis Rutledge 
haint never left the town. 

ALFIE — (Gives Lewis an inquiring look) 

SID — I was goin to tell you all a-bout it last night when Mis Squires 
interfered. This box o' candy ain't all the evidence I got, you kin bet 
on thet! If it don't prove no good, I got nougii tother tn.ngs up my 
sleeve to send him back to Edgerton. 

LEWIS — (Laughs) That sounds interesting. Bring on your evidence. 

SID— You bet I will, Mr. James Bradley, an I want 'em all to hear. 
Fust place, them setchels o' your'n was stole from a young college feller 
on the train. Kin you deny thet? 

LEWIS — I most certainly can. 

SID — Kin you deny them tracks o' your'n out there in the flower 
bed under yer window? 

37 



LEWIS— What tracks? - 

SID— I guess you know all right. Next morning after the Elmdale 
burglarin I come up here an found 'em, an they're there yit. They are 
the same size zactly like them you made in the yard when you fust 
come here. Kin you explain 'em? 

LEWIS — Oh, I refuse to listen further to such nonsense. (Turns to go) 

SID — Stay right where you be! I'm goin to search you fer more evi- 
dence. 

LEWIS — Search me? (Laughs) You're crazy! 

SID— I be, eh? 

LEWIS — Yes, you're worse than that. 

SID— (Throws off blanket, pushes up sleeves) Can't nobody call me 
names! (Starts for Lewis) 

NOBE-ALFIE^— (Seize Sid and hold him) 

SID — (Struggles) Let me at 'im! Let me at 'im! 

NOBE— Don't git excited! 

LEWIS — (Sees chance of escape and runs for door LC) 

SI— (Appears in door LC with old musket, which he points at Lewis) 
Wait a. minute! 

LEWIS— (Stops) 

SI — Throw up yer hands, gol durn you! 

LEWIS— (Ho.-ds up hands) 

SI — (Grins > I'm a fool, ain't I? 

LEWIS'— (Disgusted, growls) Ah! 

ALFIE-NOBE-SID— (Turn to Lewis and Si) 

SID — (Rushes up to Lewis and handcuffs him, roughly brings him 
do/An R of table C) Pretty cute, ain't yer? (Begins to search Lewis) 

SI — (Calls out door, aside) Come on in, Perry. 

PERRY — (Enters LC, closes door, comes down L) 

ALFIE r -(Not knowing what to do, stands holding Nobe's arm — looks 
at Lewis and Sid in frightened manner) 

SID— h (Finds large envelope in Lewis' inside coat pocket) Wha-t yer 
got here? (Looks in it, then takes out six bills. Half aside) Gosh, 
better 'n I spected. (Takes slip of paper from his pocket and hands 
it to Nobe) Look at thet. 

NOBE— (Takes paper and looks at it) What's thet? (Putting on 
glasses) 

SID— Them's the numbers on the money I brought you last night 
Thought they might come in handy so I tuk 'em. (Hands the six bills 
to Nobe) I guess you'll find them four twenties an two tens has the 
same numbers as is on thet paper. 

NOBE— (Surprised, compares them quickly) Yes— jest the same. 

PERRY— (Comes to Nobe and looks over his shoulder, pleased) 

ALFIE— (Stands gazing at Lewis as if spell bound) 

SID— (Takes slip and money from INtobe and holds them ibefore Lewis) 
Kin you deny thet evidence, Mr. Bradley? 

LEWIS— (Shows alarm but quickly recovers /himself) What are 
you driving at now? 

SID— I'm not drivin at nuthin, I'm right there. Them numbers on 
the paper and the money is the same an I guess now you'll hev a hard 
time provin how you got thet hundred. 

ALFIE— ^(Bewildered) Lewis— Sid— 

SID — (To Lewis) Well, what do you say? 

LEWIS — Guess you've got me. 

SI— (Coming down a little, very bravely) You bet he has, gol durn 
you! 

TASIA— (Enters LU. Tearfully) Sa-ay, is the sociale all over? 

38 



gjD — Not y e t. But I got to take Mr. Rutledge to his new boardin 
place fust. He's goin to leave right away. 

TASIA— Sa-ay, I'll help git his things ready. (Exits RU, quickly) 

iSTD— 'Puts Lewis' hat on) Well, I guess we better be joggin on. 
(Starts up C with Lewis) Spect they'll be sprised to see you back at 
Edgerton, an he - to pay me thet three hundred. 

PERRY — (Haa gone up and stands in front of door LC) Just a mo- 
ment, Sid. Before you take him away I want to ask him if he remem- 
bers now that he saw me 'before Mr. Hartley and Alfie came in. 

LEWIS — Yes, I hold you no grudge, Perry, and before all I want to 
say that you are innocent. 

PE'IRY — (Coming down) Do you believe me now, Alfie? 

ALFIE — Yes — Perry. (Goes to Perry) 

NOBE— (Goes up and opens door LC. To Sid) Git him out of here 
as quick as you kin. 

SID — (To Lewis, Come on. 

TASIA — '(Enters RU hurriedly, with arms full of large pasteboard 
boxes) Wait a minute. 

SIDJLE WIS— (Stop) 

TASIA — (Goes close to Lewis, holds out boxes) Here's yer bugs. 

LEWIS — (Growls) Ah! (Knocks iboxes out of Tasia's arms) 

TASIA — (Looks at Lewis in wide-eyed surprise and then at scattered 
boxes. Exclaims) Oh! Oh! 

SID — (Jerks Lewis toward door LC) Come on! 

SID-LEWIS— (EXuent LC, going R) 

NOBE— (Shuts door LC, stands thoughtfully) 

Si— (Grins. To Nobe) He's a fool, ain't he? 

CURTAIN. 
THE END. 



\/_ 



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39 



